It recently came to me that I should probably try my hand at some legitimate writing every once in a while. So I whipped this guy up. Where my English majors at? Lemme know what needs work. Hopefully you guys find it readable.
Ryan and Jacob
Both Ryan and Jacob were successful young lads
Smart and likable they were both college grads
Friends for many years, they set out to find
What they should do with their smart, cunning minds.
Both men dreamt of stardom, of movies and shows,
To make people laugh and blow milk out their nose.
But both also wanted family, to love and to care for,
A wife and children to hold and be there for.
The guys were offered two jobs writing jokes
On new sitcom called The Odd Folks.
It was what they had wanted since they were boys
They were as excited as kids with new toys
Their faces fell, when they realized they
Must move to the city and there they would stay.
Both had serious girlfriends with commitments to jobs
And long distance relationships always end in sobs.
"I guess," said Ryan "It's one or the other."
"Go work on the show or stay with our lovers."
Both wanted to marry their girl, you see,
But also wanted to accomplish their dreams.
"Well here's what we'll do" said Jacob, quickly hatching a plan
"One of us will go become America's funniest man."
The other will stay and start a good home life
take the woman they love most and make them their wife.
So Ryan broke up with his girlfriend, and started writing in the city
Jacob stayed with his girl and kept going to his job that was quite shitty.
Both did quite well in their own different ways,
Jacob married his girl and had children to raise.
Ryan outgrew the writing and went on a comedy tour,
He became quite famous which the movie studios couldn't ignore.
He was signed to contracts, Did movies and ads.
And his quotes from his stand-up became the latest fads
Jacob's children grew older, went through middle school and above,
And they always signed his birthday card "To daddy with love".
He quit his job at office, he stayed home and gave them care,
His wife's career was more important, and to him that was fair.
Eventually, Ryan had a family of his own and a house to boot,
Although he couldn't be home that often, (there were movies to shoot).
Jacob saw the success of his friend, and realized his horrible mistake,
While Ryan had it and had eaten it, too, Jacob had only gotten the cake.
When the movie deals were gone, and his contracts expired,
Ryan settled in to watch his children's lives transpire.
To his horror he realized that they had passed him by,
He didn't know what made his son happy or made his daughter cry.
His dreams had led him on a road of his own satisfaction,
Lost in his desires, he never saw his children's reactions.
He missed his son's basketball games and his daughter's dance recitals,
He never had a family vacation, or read them books from the title.
Now when he sat at his dinner table and saw his offspring's faces,
Without a hint of recognition for him, he had to look at his laces
If they saw his tears, then they'd think he was insane,
and he'd lose the small chance he had to get in their brain.
Now he bitterly thought of deal he made and the life he left behind,
And all he could think to do was pray that life would invent itself a rewind.
No fame or money was worth your children being strangers.
To take it all back, he would face any of life's dangers.
And so the two men grew old, discontent and unhappy.
For they now both thought that their life was more crappy.
Jacob was bitter about his unaccomplished dreams,
and Ryan had ripped his family apart at the seams.
So, they both passed thinking themselves a great failure,
Believing that getting what the other had would be their savior.
So learn from these friends and understand what you must do,
The great key to living your own life and just being you.
As Dumbledore said, Our decisions are who we are,
Actions are louder than words and they go quite far.
Ifs mean nothing, it's the way time is built,
Dwell on them and you'll be consumed with guilt.
Your life is your own, no one else can have it,
So look at what you've got and make it a habit.
Focus on the brights spots and be proud that they are yours,
To define a wasted life: It's a life that the owner abhors.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Christmas Special: Get Yourself A Man For Christmas!
The question that I am asked the most, being Sam Sheehan, is "Why do you waste time on ridiculous and pointless internet entertainment?". This is, obviously, the dumbest question that I've ever heard, so I ignore it. The question I am asked the second most is, "Why are all the good men gay or taken?". Usually, I respond "Because good men often get dates with women quickly, and those that don't go out with women are gay.", but recently I made a discovery that changes all of that for you single ladies. A magical, untapped man demographic of single, desperate men to fit any personality type. I'm talking, of course, about the ugly man.
You heard it here first, girls, uggos are the new "in" guy. Sure, you may think you are only attracted to attractive guys, but let me break it down for you. Say you hook up with good-looking guy. You are on cloud-nine, next stop good mood town. But then, you let your mind wander back to something he said as he was leaving this morning. "Thanks, that was one of the most fun times I ever had". One of? Not the best? And usually guys lie about that stuff... That must mean he's had a lot more that were better than me... Was he was settling for me? One train of thought later you're two pints of cherry garcia deep and nothing's stopping the tears.
Now let's take the uggo hook up. Rather than have to think of something funny and work up the courage to walk over to the cute guy, all the uggo needs is some casual eye contact. What was your expression? Disgust? Rolled eyes? Blank stare followed by a quick look away to pretend the eye contact never happened? Doesn't matter, you gave him eye contact and that's the biggest opening he'll get all night. Now, rather than have to abandon your friends and put effort into being flirty, you'll have the uggo standing behind 3 feet behind you all night. This way, you can be part of the complaining when Trina hooks up in the bar with that boy who's been jerking her around, ("She's so dumb! Whatever, I'm done trying to help her.") and then turn around pull your hook up out the door with you when you leave. You're in total control of what time you guys go home.
The next morning you don't get any of that "one of the best" bullshit. You are the best. You don't need him to tell you. Like this cross between John Beluchi and Gollum is ever going to get with anyone better than you. Fat chance. You'll live on in his mind as the best girl he ever had, and blow any swamp creatures in his future out of the water. Settling? Like hell you were settling. You set out that night to bag an uggo, mission accomplished.
And this isn't even where ugly dudes really come up big. Sure, walking out in control and on top in a hookup is awesome, but imagine doing it EVERY DAY. That's right! Uggos make even better husbands! If you are looking for examples of what make them such great husbands, hold on to your hats, cause it's a laundry list.
If they are ugly, chances are that things like friends and social gatherings didn't happen all that much for them. This means plenty of extra time on their hands. What to do with that time? Either focus on how ugly they are, or do something constructive. For this reason alot of ugly guys are really good at something. Whether it be carpentry, accounting, or picking the locks on your doors so he can watch you sleep, the uggos have skills that can ensure that you and your children will have some bank to live on.
Speaking of the children, yet another perk of having the busted husband. You will always be the looks in the family. Now your kids will probably be considerably better looking than your husband (I mean, they are YOUR kids after all.), but if any of his repulsive genes manage to wiggle their way in, which is pretty likely, they'll bring your children down to at least average. You know that Fountains of Wayne song "Stacey's Mom"? That's you! When surrounded by your not-hot spawn and genuinely hideous husband, you instantly become MILF of the year. (Warning: If for some reason your daughter somehow escapes the touch of her father's genes, there is a chance she could eventually be prettier than you. For damage control, keep her head shaved and limit her wardrobe to frump.)
Having a bad day? Take it out on the husband. He still can't believe you said yes when he proposed with a ring pop in front of his favorite arcade version of Pacman, and as a result is terrified that any second you will realize your mistake and leave him. So, capitalize! Really let loose and channel that negativity into him. He won't fight back out of fear of losing you, after countless flagpole wedgies in high school he is used to the abuse, and you will feel loads better. Win-Win-Win.
Well, there it is. If that's not a convincing enough case for you, I don't know what is. Now get out there and find a Quasimodo of your very own. Christmas is a time for love, ladies, haven't you seen Love Actually?
Blogger and its employees would like to remind the readership that the opinions of this blog are strictly those of the author. Again, as we email you every week, all hate mail should be sent to shnts11@gmail.com. Blogger apologizes to anyone who may have been offended by this entry and does not condone ugly marriage.
You heard it here first, girls, uggos are the new "in" guy. Sure, you may think you are only attracted to attractive guys, but let me break it down for you. Say you hook up with good-looking guy. You are on cloud-nine, next stop good mood town. But then, you let your mind wander back to something he said as he was leaving this morning. "Thanks, that was one of the most fun times I ever had". One of? Not the best? And usually guys lie about that stuff... That must mean he's had a lot more that were better than me... Was he was settling for me? One train of thought later you're two pints of cherry garcia deep and nothing's stopping the tears.
Now let's take the uggo hook up. Rather than have to think of something funny and work up the courage to walk over to the cute guy, all the uggo needs is some casual eye contact. What was your expression? Disgust? Rolled eyes? Blank stare followed by a quick look away to pretend the eye contact never happened? Doesn't matter, you gave him eye contact and that's the biggest opening he'll get all night. Now, rather than have to abandon your friends and put effort into being flirty, you'll have the uggo standing behind 3 feet behind you all night. This way, you can be part of the complaining when Trina hooks up in the bar with that boy who's been jerking her around, ("She's so dumb! Whatever, I'm done trying to help her.") and then turn around pull your hook up out the door with you when you leave. You're in total control of what time you guys go home.
The next morning you don't get any of that "one of the best" bullshit. You are the best. You don't need him to tell you. Like this cross between John Beluchi and Gollum is ever going to get with anyone better than you. Fat chance. You'll live on in his mind as the best girl he ever had, and blow any swamp creatures in his future out of the water. Settling? Like hell you were settling. You set out that night to bag an uggo, mission accomplished.
And this isn't even where ugly dudes really come up big. Sure, walking out in control and on top in a hookup is awesome, but imagine doing it EVERY DAY. That's right! Uggos make even better husbands! If you are looking for examples of what make them such great husbands, hold on to your hats, cause it's a laundry list.
If they are ugly, chances are that things like friends and social gatherings didn't happen all that much for them. This means plenty of extra time on their hands. What to do with that time? Either focus on how ugly they are, or do something constructive. For this reason alot of ugly guys are really good at something. Whether it be carpentry, accounting, or picking the locks on your doors so he can watch you sleep, the uggos have skills that can ensure that you and your children will have some bank to live on.
Speaking of the children, yet another perk of having the busted husband. You will always be the looks in the family. Now your kids will probably be considerably better looking than your husband (I mean, they are YOUR kids after all.), but if any of his repulsive genes manage to wiggle their way in, which is pretty likely, they'll bring your children down to at least average. You know that Fountains of Wayne song "Stacey's Mom"? That's you! When surrounded by your not-hot spawn and genuinely hideous husband, you instantly become MILF of the year. (Warning: If for some reason your daughter somehow escapes the touch of her father's genes, there is a chance she could eventually be prettier than you. For damage control, keep her head shaved and limit her wardrobe to frump.)
Having a bad day? Take it out on the husband. He still can't believe you said yes when he proposed with a ring pop in front of his favorite arcade version of Pacman, and as a result is terrified that any second you will realize your mistake and leave him. So, capitalize! Really let loose and channel that negativity into him. He won't fight back out of fear of losing you, after countless flagpole wedgies in high school he is used to the abuse, and you will feel loads better. Win-Win-Win.
Well, there it is. If that's not a convincing enough case for you, I don't know what is. Now get out there and find a Quasimodo of your very own. Christmas is a time for love, ladies, haven't you seen Love Actually?
Blogger and its employees would like to remind the readership that the opinions of this blog are strictly those of the author. Again, as we email you every week, all hate mail should be sent to shnts11@gmail.com. Blogger apologizes to anyone who may have been offended by this entry and does not condone ugly marriage.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Old Indie... Gone?
#EDIT: I'd like to clear up an issue regarding this post, and my use of the word indie. Yes, everyone who has facebook chatted me, Indie is short for independent, meaning artist who aren't signed to a major music label. When the absolute literal definition is taken, the indie genre of music is simply all artists who are not majorly signed ("IND(I)Ependent"). However, it is also widely used in a much more loose term to describe the genre of unique-sounding alternative and electronic music that usually comes bands not signed to major labels. Lots of bands that were once literally "indie" are picked up by major labels and are still sorted under the genre of indie rock or indie electronic even though later albums are produced under major music labels. So in this post, I am referring to the style of music. If you insist on using the term literally, I suggest you suspend your disbelief or rig your computer to distplay "unique-sounding alternative" when I use the word indie. You will likely enjoy the article much more.#
Before I get called out on this, I'd just like to start this post off by saying that I am indeed a musical poser. I discover most music three years after it's been out and long after it has lost it's sparkle to even the most die hard of fans. I enjoy most pop and hip-hop that makes the top ten on itunes these days and 9 times out of 10 will choose to listen to that over what the Pitchfork crowd would call good music.
That being said, I'd like to think I'm fairly in tune with what falls into the jurisdiction of the indie branch of music. Which is exactly my point. In today's modern culture is indie music the same as it was in the 1990's, and is indie even a fitting term for it?
Particularly this decade, what with the internet really coming into its own and electronic copies of music being easy to come by, bands that have been labeled "indie" have found themselves shooting to the top of the charts. Owl City, a solo synthpop project by Adam Young (that I was listening to last year.. HA!) was picked up by Universal Republic after his first two albums that he made in his parents basement were uploaded onto Itunes, where they did quite well. This fall, the single "Fireflies" hit number 1 on Itunes and remained there for several weeks.
For the past few months, as I've been sitting on my couch listening to my music and feeling quite smug about getting in touch with the indie scene. One of my favorite albums of the summer is Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. In my opinion, it's very much an album in that the songs feel like they all go together and play off of one another, rather than a hodgepodge of whatever they happened to come up with in the studio that day. I particularly enjoyed the two singles off the album, "1901" and "Lisztomania".
My smugness was replaced with horror when I saw the new ad campaign for the Cadillac SRX.
In the days following my discovery, the realization hit me that if it was on a car commercial in the middle of a patriots game, 1901 likely didn't count as being indie anymore and, even worse, was probably well known. My fragile musical ego was shattered. How could this have happened?
With my musical self respect still reeling, I would receive another blow in the form of the ads for Michelob Ultra and its shameful fruit-infused spinoff. While the Kooks "Shine On" was nowhere near the mainstay that "1901" was in my music library, it still hurt to see such a pretty song bent over the table and violated by mango flavored beer. Then, the marketing industry really went for it and snatched one of my favorite songs of all time to use in a spot for the Palm Pixi. Thank you Sprint, for that murder of Passion Pit.
Well, at least I can take solace in the fact that my once-indie darling Bloc Party is safe and sound and would never sell out in such a... OH MY GOD!
Ok, Ok, don't panic... It is, after all, an Olympics ad. That's pretty cool to have your song on an Olympics ad and SRXT isn't even that popular. It could be way worse. Imagine, if they had sold one of their biggest songs to something commercial and meaningless. Oh dear.
Now let me draw an important line here. That important line is what I call "The OC effect". Arguably, the most defining characteristic for The OC in its four seasons was the incredible soundtrack they were able to procure. Ryan and Marissa's kiss on New Year's? Seth and Summer's slow dance? The infamous season two finale that is so often spoofed? No one will ever question their use of these songs, because use of a song in a movie or show creates a sort of iconic feel within the scene (if used right). Looking back on it, I'm ecstatic that they used "Blue Light" on the OC. Now, having your song on the OC legitimizes it as being a legitimately good song.
By they way, Josh Schwartz has kept at it, and his shows Gossip Girl and Chuck have really good soundtracks too. The shows plug Bon Iver, MGMT, and (again) one of my personal favorite Bloc Party songs in Signs. It's because of this OC effect that I was excited when the new Valentine's Day trailer featured Lisztomania.
When I take a step back, however I realize just how integrated and present in today's media this "indie" music is. The indie music isn't buried anymore, it's out in open, carrying on its business. It can now be discovered with minimal effort. So now I can declare it.
The old style of indie is dead.
Then a new thought hits me. What if indie isn't dead? What if it merely shed its skin to adapt to this new, ever-changing world? Taking on a better camouflage?With posers like me acquiring tools like Pandora and Last Fm, indie would need to work to stay away from me. Go deeper than it's ever gone before, use diversions to keep me smug and content in thinking I've found it. It's only now I realize, with a heavy heart, just how duped I've been all along. I never caught up to indie. It has a three day head start on me. All I can find of it, is what it chooses for me to find. It's like Jason Bourne, only wearing a cardigan.
Know this now indie. You may have outsmarted me. But I will not rest, I will not sleep, and I will not eat until I catch you. So beware underground music listeners. Musical Judgment Day is coming. We posers will one day listen to what you do. Then the final victory will be achieved.
Here is your doomsday clock. Tick Tock.
Before I get called out on this, I'd just like to start this post off by saying that I am indeed a musical poser. I discover most music three years after it's been out and long after it has lost it's sparkle to even the most die hard of fans. I enjoy most pop and hip-hop that makes the top ten on itunes these days and 9 times out of 10 will choose to listen to that over what the Pitchfork crowd would call good music.
That being said, I'd like to think I'm fairly in tune with what falls into the jurisdiction of the indie branch of music. Which is exactly my point. In today's modern culture is indie music the same as it was in the 1990's, and is indie even a fitting term for it?
Particularly this decade, what with the internet really coming into its own and electronic copies of music being easy to come by, bands that have been labeled "indie" have found themselves shooting to the top of the charts. Owl City, a solo synthpop project by Adam Young (that I was listening to last year.. HA!) was picked up by Universal Republic after his first two albums that he made in his parents basement were uploaded onto Itunes, where they did quite well. This fall, the single "Fireflies" hit number 1 on Itunes and remained there for several weeks.
For the past few months, as I've been sitting on my couch listening to my music and feeling quite smug about getting in touch with the indie scene. One of my favorite albums of the summer is Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. In my opinion, it's very much an album in that the songs feel like they all go together and play off of one another, rather than a hodgepodge of whatever they happened to come up with in the studio that day. I particularly enjoyed the two singles off the album, "1901" and "Lisztomania".
My smugness was replaced with horror when I saw the new ad campaign for the Cadillac SRX.
In the days following my discovery, the realization hit me that if it was on a car commercial in the middle of a patriots game, 1901 likely didn't count as being indie anymore and, even worse, was probably well known. My fragile musical ego was shattered. How could this have happened?
With my musical self respect still reeling, I would receive another blow in the form of the ads for Michelob Ultra and its shameful fruit-infused spinoff. While the Kooks "Shine On" was nowhere near the mainstay that "1901" was in my music library, it still hurt to see such a pretty song bent over the table and violated by mango flavored beer. Then, the marketing industry really went for it and snatched one of my favorite songs of all time to use in a spot for the Palm Pixi. Thank you Sprint, for that murder of Passion Pit.
Well, at least I can take solace in the fact that my once-indie darling Bloc Party is safe and sound and would never sell out in such a... OH MY GOD!
Ok, Ok, don't panic... It is, after all, an Olympics ad. That's pretty cool to have your song on an Olympics ad and SRXT isn't even that popular. It could be way worse. Imagine, if they had sold one of their biggest songs to something commercial and meaningless. Oh dear.
Now let me draw an important line here. That important line is what I call "The OC effect". Arguably, the most defining characteristic for The OC in its four seasons was the incredible soundtrack they were able to procure. Ryan and Marissa's kiss on New Year's? Seth and Summer's slow dance? The infamous season two finale that is so often spoofed? No one will ever question their use of these songs, because use of a song in a movie or show creates a sort of iconic feel within the scene (if used right). Looking back on it, I'm ecstatic that they used "Blue Light" on the OC. Now, having your song on the OC legitimizes it as being a legitimately good song.
By they way, Josh Schwartz has kept at it, and his shows Gossip Girl and Chuck have really good soundtracks too. The shows plug Bon Iver, MGMT, and (again) one of my personal favorite Bloc Party songs in Signs. It's because of this OC effect that I was excited when the new Valentine's Day trailer featured Lisztomania.
When I take a step back, however I realize just how integrated and present in today's media this "indie" music is. The indie music isn't buried anymore, it's out in open, carrying on its business. It can now be discovered with minimal effort. So now I can declare it.
The old style of indie is dead.
Then a new thought hits me. What if indie isn't dead? What if it merely shed its skin to adapt to this new, ever-changing world? Taking on a better camouflage?With posers like me acquiring tools like Pandora and Last Fm, indie would need to work to stay away from me. Go deeper than it's ever gone before, use diversions to keep me smug and content in thinking I've found it. It's only now I realize, with a heavy heart, just how duped I've been all along. I never caught up to indie. It has a three day head start on me. All I can find of it, is what it chooses for me to find. It's like Jason Bourne, only wearing a cardigan.
Know this now indie. You may have outsmarted me. But I will not rest, I will not sleep, and I will not eat until I catch you. So beware underground music listeners. Musical Judgment Day is coming. We posers will one day listen to what you do. Then the final victory will be achieved.
Here is your doomsday clock. Tick Tock.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Fantasy America Excited For Fantasy Super Bowl This Sunday.
The fantasy sports world is abuzz over fantasy football's most important game and the storybook matchup that will be featured in the title bout. The Cinderella story of the Sheehan Shitpies are arguably the feel good story of the century, making Jason McElwain look like Pacman Jones. They have their work cut out for them, though, as they will be facing the powerhouse juggrenaut Delonte's Allstars coached by the infamous Daniel Klotz. What makes this matchup so interesting, is how universally one sided fan support appears to be in America. ESPN's Bill Simmons probably summed it up best.
"It's, no doubt, the story of good vs evil, corrupt vs pure, arrogant vs. humble. I have yet to talk to anyone who doesn't want to see the Shitpies pull this out by the end of Monday night."
The crazy emotional roller coaster that is the Shitpies season began earlier this fall, in their home city of Orphanville, when owner and team founder Mahatma Ghandi hired young, impressionable, coach Sam Sheehan to take the reigns of this young program and lead his team to victory. Unfortuanately, as we all now know, tradgedy struck during the final week of training camp, the stadium exploded.
"I had packed up early and had told [Offensive Coordinator Kevin] Poorman to have the guys finish drills. While I was driving home I heard the explosion, I was shocked I didn't know what to do...", Sheehan said of the incident, looking teary-eyed, but carrying a steely resolve ibehind the tears. "I realized later that this town (Orphanville had just suffered a death toll of several thousand in its latest tornado, hurricane, and nuclear meltdown triple-diasaster) needed its football team and, as coach, it was my job to provide that team and hope."
Sheehan then struck out on a mission vistinng every orphanage, homeless shelter, and leprecy clinic to recuit a team. "We only had time to get a few practices in, and true with our stadium gone we had to practice on the used needle dump, but I knew right off the bat we were something special." While playing the league's hardest schedule, (they would play the top half of the league twice) The Shitpies met up against the All-Stars twice. Once in week one and once in week ten. They lost both times.
"I credit Coach Klotz. He certainly has an unorthodox way of coaching, and it seems to pay off. I don't even mind that he threw scalding coffee in my eyes after both games instead of the customary handshake," said Sheehan of the only team to beat his misfits twice this season. Daniel Barbiter (Swahili for 'arrogant') Klotz is well known around the league for his ruthless attitude and narcissitic behavior.
"Let's get a couple things straight, I only coach for two reasons, to win and to make money." Klotz said in his now infamous post-game interview after advancing to the Super Bowl. "I'll stop coaching when I have enough money to laser engrave my visage on the moon, so the world never forgets my face and how much better i was at everything than everyone else. I will win every championship ever, because I am the best. Period."
"Of course I will continue to make my players takes steroids! I don't care if they are dead at 23, if they play for me, they are at their best. Also, I will continue to tape opponent's practices and threaten their families. Yes, the league knows about this. They can't do anything cause I am Danny Klotz and I am the best at everything." Klotz then had his team cool down by punting puppies and throttling senior citizens.
Coverage begins this Sunday on the NFL Network. If you don't have it, then fuck you.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Lil Jon or Mary Jo?: Taking Things My Mom Says Out of Context.
Today, whilst having a spirited discussion with my parents about normal run of the mill family business, my mom let the following quote fly from her lips.
"Was that Mary Jo or Lil' Jon?"
For those of you unfamiliar with either, Lil' Jon is a musician and somewhat-rapper commonly associated with the crunk movement and Mary Jo is my sixteen year old sister. I've provided pictures of both (Lil Jon is the one wearing the glasses...I think.) My mom's confusion is easy to understand as the similarities are numerous making distinguishing between the two of them virtually impossible. Besides the obvious similarities in appearance, they have quite a bit of behavioral similarities, too. Fortunately, I have developed a system for distinguishing between the two of them that uses their similarities and diffrences.
Similarities
1. Both have at one point in their lives purched neckwear that reads "Hoes ain't shit".
2. Both very much enjoy both reading Twilight and listening to Paramore. Preferably at the same time.
3. Both are huge Atlanta Thrasher and NHL fans.
4. Both have been brought up on gun charges
5. Both assured Chris Brown that Rihanna "had it coming".
6. Both agree that Andy Samberg is "hawt".
7. Both have been praised for their cooking skills.
8. Both have been known to make their own Purple Drank.
9. Both hang out with the Ying Yang Twins.
10. Both weigh between zero and five hundred pounds.
11. Both are either Caucasian or African-American.
12. Both are either male or female.
13. Both have 4 phrases they use with relative consistence.
Etc... Etc.... I could go on forever. They are practically identical. What seperates them is as follows. The only real way to ever tell the two apart.
Diffrences
1. Lil Jon's 4 phrases are "Hey!", "OK!", "YEAH!", and "What?".
Mary Jo's are "Can I have money?", "Drive me to (destination).", "Can you dowload me (song)?", and "Stop it, you are embarassing me.".
2. Lil Jon has never made me cry by stealing my Gameboy while Squirtle was evolving, preventing me from stopping the evolution to ensure Squirtle learned his moves at a lower level.
3. Lil Jon has never been hit in the face with a Gameboy by me after I learned my Squirtle had evolved to Wartortle.
4. Lil Jon has never cried to our parents and tattled on me for Gameboy-whipping him in the mouth.
5. Mary Jo's secret ingredient in Purple Drank is grape Jolly Ranchers. Lil Jon's is codeine.
6. Lil Jon watches Divine Design live. Mary Jo Tivo's it.
If you are in a situation where one of these six scenarios presents itself, you may be able to distinguish between the two. I would not get your hopes up, though.
As you can see, Mom's inability to distinguish her daughter from the Atlanta-based music producer is totally understandable. When I first told her I understood how she could get the two confused, she seemed to think I was being sarcastic. Even now, she seems embarassed by the quote, claiming it was taken out of context and that she was not referring to similarities in behavior or appearance, but rather trying to determine the source of a quote. If you could all help me in letting my mom know that she is not alone and that teenage girls are often confused with hip-hop peformers, I think it would be a load of her mind and help her get over her denial that she is confused between the two of them.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Wisdom of Granparents
I'm pretty excited about this post. It's been a long time in the making. You see, I have the best grandparents in the world. I'm sorry if you think you do, but you are just wrong. Around my freshman year of high school, I figured out just how unique my grandparents were and started recording some of their more notable quotes. What with the success of things like shit my dad says I feel the time is ripe to share these with the world. I've selected some of the best to put on this highlight reel. So sit back and enjoy some of their wisdome. We start with my most reasonable grandparent (Grammie Bagley) and move to my most eccentric (Grampie Sheehan).
Barbara Bagley (Mom's mom)
(on confusing me with my uncle)
"I don't know why I keep calling you Matthew, he looked much more manly at your age."
(on my grandfather's loss of hearing)
"NEIL! NEIL! If you are as deaf as him when you get older Sammy, check on your wife often to make sure she's not grabbing a belt to strangle you.
(on their Boston Terrier, Howie)
"I think he looks like that midget actor. What's his name? Gary Coleman, that's it!"
(on Twilight)
"I don't get it. Is she trying to kill him? Isn't he a vampire? It looks like he has sparkle herpes."
(on my best friend Devon)
"What a nice boy he is. He seems like he might be smarter than you."
Neil Bagley (Mom's dad)
(on hockey)
"Hockey's a great sport, but be careful. A lot of white supremacists watch hockey."
(on the Cubs)
"They aren't cursed. We were cursed. They've just sucked for a century."
(after watching one of my cross country races sophmore year of high school)
"Who is that Cape Elizabeth girl you like so much? That's what I thought! I was just talking to her dad. Bad news, though. When I said you were interested, he said she has a boyfriend."
(while watching CC Sabathia pitch against the Sox)
"I love it when professional athletes are fatter than me."
(while showing me his character on Everquest, the fantasy roleplaying computer game he plays)
"Look, I named my rogue Sam Henry! (the character is a giant rat) He's really good at sneaking around and stabbing backs! I wonder how long I've played him. (when he checks the time played is says a month and a half, as in 1008 hours.)
Susan Sheehan (Dad's Mom)
(0n our Border Terrier, Eddie)
"Oh my, her fur is so ratty. Let me give you some cream to rub in her fur."
(on social networking sites)
"Do you and your sister have that My Faces?"
(during the first Christmas dad brought mom home, while addressing my, at the time 16 year old, Uncle Mo and his zit.)
"Maurice, look at your face! You've got a great big thing on it. You are going to ruin Christmas!"
(on just plain uncomfortable topics)
"I'm not trying to put pressure on you Sam Henry, but I really want a great-grandchild before I pass on. I'm not saying you should go have random intercourse. Or that you shouldn't use protection. Just maybe you should get a girlfriend."
(on relationships, 5 days ago)
"Why don't you have a girlfriend, yet? Do they think you are ugly, or just annoying?"
Tom Sheehan (Dad's Dad)
(on philosiphy)
"Life's a just giant shitshoot, Sam. The trick is making most of it in the toilet."
(on Tom Brady)
"He looks awful. He can't throw the ball at all. He just looks tired. It's that supermodel girlfriend of his, she sucked the pudding right out of him.
(while picking up my dad from college with a 2 sheep in the back of the station wagon)
"Aw Jesus Christ, Billy. Don't be such a snot. I saw them in Old Town for a great deal. Just get in the car."
(during thanksgiving while looking out the window at my little cousins)
"Hey, Sue! I gave Dewey (11 at the time) the .22 to shoot some beer cans. He just handed it to Oliver (7 at the time) and I think he might drop it. Will you run out there and stop him? I got my slippers on."
(while cheering for me at any cross country race with a large crowd)
(yelling) "Go Sam! Don't you dare drag the family name through the mud again."
(on my losing the state cross country title by 5 seconds my senior year)
"Don't worry, Sam you'll probably only regret it for the rest of your life."
(on perseverance, while seemingly accidently insinuating that I'm ugly)
"You think you have it bad? Try being an ugly girl at a high school, sonny. I see it everyday, poor things, bawling their eyes out. Just be glad you are a boy."
(on the some of the best advice he ever gave me)
"Figure out what you want to do and just go do it. My father sold moonshine out of his wagon during the prohabition when he was 12. He knew he loved booze."
(on the Sheehan family line of succession)
"As my oldest grandson, I'm counting on you to clean the shit out of my pants when I get older. I think I pissed your dad and uncles off too much when they were younger."
(on my depression diagnosis)
"It's not that bad. Your grandmother had some depression. I'd come home from work and your dad and uncles (Dad is the oldest of 5) would be running around the house, tearing it apart. I'd find your grandmother upstairs sobbing and crying about wanting a baby girl. It was pretty funny."
(on being asked to leave Cornell after harrowing the dean's lawn with a tractor)
"I just didn't want to be there any more. So figured I'd go out with bang. That dean was a jerk."
Barbara Bagley (Mom's mom)
(on confusing me with my uncle)
"I don't know why I keep calling you Matthew, he looked much more manly at your age."
(on my grandfather's loss of hearing)
"NEIL! NEIL! If you are as deaf as him when you get older Sammy, check on your wife often to make sure she's not grabbing a belt to strangle you.
(on their Boston Terrier, Howie)
"I think he looks like that midget actor. What's his name? Gary Coleman, that's it!"
(on Twilight)
"I don't get it. Is she trying to kill him? Isn't he a vampire? It looks like he has sparkle herpes."
(on my best friend Devon)
"What a nice boy he is. He seems like he might be smarter than you."
Neil Bagley (Mom's dad)
(on hockey)
"Hockey's a great sport, but be careful. A lot of white supremacists watch hockey."
(on the Cubs)
"They aren't cursed. We were cursed. They've just sucked for a century."
(after watching one of my cross country races sophmore year of high school)
"Who is that Cape Elizabeth girl you like so much? That's what I thought! I was just talking to her dad. Bad news, though. When I said you were interested, he said she has a boyfriend."
(while watching CC Sabathia pitch against the Sox)
"I love it when professional athletes are fatter than me."
(while showing me his character on Everquest, the fantasy roleplaying computer game he plays)
"Look, I named my rogue Sam Henry! (the character is a giant rat) He's really good at sneaking around and stabbing backs! I wonder how long I've played him. (when he checks the time played is says a month and a half, as in 1008 hours.)
Susan Sheehan (Dad's Mom)
(0n our Border Terrier, Eddie)
"Oh my, her fur is so ratty. Let me give you some cream to rub in her fur."
(on social networking sites)
"Do you and your sister have that My Faces?"
(during the first Christmas dad brought mom home, while addressing my, at the time 16 year old, Uncle Mo and his zit.)
"Maurice, look at your face! You've got a great big thing on it. You are going to ruin Christmas!"
(on just plain uncomfortable topics)
"I'm not trying to put pressure on you Sam Henry, but I really want a great-grandchild before I pass on. I'm not saying you should go have random intercourse. Or that you shouldn't use protection. Just maybe you should get a girlfriend."
(on relationships, 5 days ago)
"Why don't you have a girlfriend, yet? Do they think you are ugly, or just annoying?"
Tom Sheehan (Dad's Dad)
(on philosiphy)
"Life's a just giant shitshoot, Sam. The trick is making most of it in the toilet."
(on Tom Brady)
"He looks awful. He can't throw the ball at all. He just looks tired. It's that supermodel girlfriend of his, she sucked the pudding right out of him.
(while picking up my dad from college with a 2 sheep in the back of the station wagon)
"Aw Jesus Christ, Billy. Don't be such a snot. I saw them in Old Town for a great deal. Just get in the car."
(during thanksgiving while looking out the window at my little cousins)
"Hey, Sue! I gave Dewey (11 at the time) the .22 to shoot some beer cans. He just handed it to Oliver (7 at the time) and I think he might drop it. Will you run out there and stop him? I got my slippers on."
(while cheering for me at any cross country race with a large crowd)
(yelling) "Go Sam! Don't you dare drag the family name through the mud again."
(on my losing the state cross country title by 5 seconds my senior year)
"Don't worry, Sam you'll probably only regret it for the rest of your life."
(on perseverance, while seemingly accidently insinuating that I'm ugly)
"You think you have it bad? Try being an ugly girl at a high school, sonny. I see it everyday, poor things, bawling their eyes out. Just be glad you are a boy."
(on the some of the best advice he ever gave me)
"Figure out what you want to do and just go do it. My father sold moonshine out of his wagon during the prohabition when he was 12. He knew he loved booze."
(on the Sheehan family line of succession)
"As my oldest grandson, I'm counting on you to clean the shit out of my pants when I get older. I think I pissed your dad and uncles off too much when they were younger."
(on my depression diagnosis)
"It's not that bad. Your grandmother had some depression. I'd come home from work and your dad and uncles (Dad is the oldest of 5) would be running around the house, tearing it apart. I'd find your grandmother upstairs sobbing and crying about wanting a baby girl. It was pretty funny."
(on being asked to leave Cornell after harrowing the dean's lawn with a tractor)
"I just didn't want to be there any more. So figured I'd go out with bang. That dean was a jerk."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Lady Gaga Discusses Ideas For Her New Music Video
Director: Ok, Stefani, I wanted to organize this meeting and really have a sit down about what you wanted to do with this "Bad Romance" video. I was kind of thinking something minimalist like "Single Ladies". That's really popular now. Maybe just you in a white room, so people can really focus on your performance.
Lady Gaga: Truth be told, Francis, I'd really like to do something that's kind of a chic throwback to thriller. After Michael's passing, it only seems right. But I like your idea, I agree we should keep it minimalist.
Director: Alright, that sounds great! Any specifics you had in mind?
Lady Gaga: Well I was thinking since I'm trapped by this relationship, we could have it take place in a sort of mental health hospital that sort of conveys that feeling of trapped, while still being able to play off of that minimalist structure we were talking about. They could be doing awful things to me, like force feeding me some liquid. We can cut in close-ups of me showing off my natural good looks and crying.
Director: Well, that sounds perfect! I must admit I was a little concerned coming into this shoot. You sort of have a reputation for demanding some peculiar things, but this sounds real and creative.
Lady Gaga: Great! I'm so glad to have a director I can work with, and who understands me! I've just had a great idea about how to work in the thriller thing, too!
Director: Really? That's awesome! Let me hear it.
Lady Gaga: We'll call the place we're in The Bath Haus of Gaga, and have myself and the back up dancers crawl out of coffins, and do some thriller throwback moves.
Director: Um, ok, that sounds good. Any thought to what I should be telling costume design for what you will be wearing.
Lady Gaga: Yes I have the perfect thing! Take that little crown the boy is wearing in Where the Wild Things Are and make it so big it covers my whole head except my mouth! Actually just make it full body.
Director: ...You sure that's what you want? I was kinda thinking...
Lady Gaga: Oh and while they are at it, have them work up an outfit for me that looks like something the elves in lord of the rings would wear. You know, like chainmail, but just panties, something that barely covers my nipples, and some chains to put on my face. I'll also need something red and skimpy, another full body suit that looks like an advertisement for a bedazzler, something that makes me look like a giant gyroscope. OH! And a giant polar bear skin cape!
Director: Whaaaa...? I mean those are pretty extreme... How could we ever make the backups fit in?
Lady Gaga: Oh just, put the backups in something that looks
like what I'm wearing. Oh and make all the guys cyborgs. That'll be awesome. I had another idea for a costume, but I changed my mind. I'll just do it naked. (Pulls out and lights crack pipe.) Do you mind?
Director: (stunned silence)
Lady Gaga: Cool, thanks. (In between hits on crack pipe) I just had a quick list of stuff I was hoping we could work in. I want a scene that kinda looks like the Matrix where I've got diamonds floating around me. Maybe put me in bathtub at somepoint with overdone eye makeup? I'm talking so overdone that the very memory of me will steal sleep from all that watch the video. Also, any chance we could hit the backup dancers with some horse tranquilizers, shrooms, and adderall all at once? It makes them all twitchy and weird, it'll look great!
Director: What? No! That's illegal! Jesus! Are you insane?
Lady Gaga: Oh, you sound like my cat when it talks to me. Oh! That gives me a great idea. Let's put a hairless cat in there somewhere! They are so cute! I also bought these glasses that look like they are already broken, and I really want to work them in. I figure I'll just do that in the opening 12 seconds when I'm playing with the Parrot Sharck. Hmmm, and aside from me setting a guy on fire and burning him to death using only my mind, I think that's it! What do you think Francis?
Director: Are you joking? That sounds like the most retarded idea for a music video ever. I would become the laughing stock of the town. I stick to my values! I got into this business to create art, not a cross between a Frankenstein, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and soft-core porn. No, no, a thousand times no!
Lady Gaga: What if I let us gratuitiously plug an alchohol, like Nemiroff?
Director: Ok, deal.
One Week Later > Batshit insanity is released on the world.
Lady Gaga: Truth be told, Francis, I'd really like to do something that's kind of a chic throwback to thriller. After Michael's passing, it only seems right. But I like your idea, I agree we should keep it minimalist.
Director: Alright, that sounds great! Any specifics you had in mind?
Lady Gaga: Well I was thinking since I'm trapped by this relationship, we could have it take place in a sort of mental health hospital that sort of conveys that feeling of trapped, while still being able to play off of that minimalist structure we were talking about. They could be doing awful things to me, like force feeding me some liquid. We can cut in close-ups of me showing off my natural good looks and crying.
Director: Well, that sounds perfect! I must admit I was a little concerned coming into this shoot. You sort of have a reputation for demanding some peculiar things, but this sounds real and creative.
Lady Gaga: Great! I'm so glad to have a director I can work with, and who understands me! I've just had a great idea about how to work in the thriller thing, too!
Director: Really? That's awesome! Let me hear it.
Lady Gaga: We'll call the place we're in The Bath Haus of Gaga, and have myself and the back up dancers crawl out of coffins, and do some thriller throwback moves.
Director: Um, ok, that sounds good. Any thought to what I should be telling costume design for what you will be wearing.
Lady Gaga: Yes I have the perfect thing! Take that little crown the boy is wearing in Where the Wild Things Are and make it so big it covers my whole head except my mouth! Actually just make it full body.
Director: ...You sure that's what you want? I was kinda thinking...
Lady Gaga: Oh and while they are at it, have them work up an outfit for me that looks like something the elves in lord of the rings would wear. You know, like chainmail, but just panties, something that barely covers my nipples, and some chains to put on my face. I'll also need something red and skimpy, another full body suit that looks like an advertisement for a bedazzler, something that makes me look like a giant gyroscope. OH! And a giant polar bear skin cape!
Director: Whaaaa...? I mean those are pretty extreme... How could we ever make the backups fit in?
Lady Gaga: Oh just, put the backups in something that looks
like what I'm wearing. Oh and make all the guys cyborgs. That'll be awesome. I had another idea for a costume, but I changed my mind. I'll just do it naked. (Pulls out and lights crack pipe.) Do you mind?Director: (stunned silence)
Lady Gaga: Cool, thanks. (In between hits on crack pipe) I just had a quick list of stuff I was hoping we could work in. I want a scene that kinda looks like the Matrix where I've got diamonds floating around me. Maybe put me in bathtub at somepoint with overdone eye makeup? I'm talking so overdone that the very memory of me will steal sleep from all that watch the video. Also, any chance we could hit the backup dancers with some horse tranquilizers, shrooms, and adderall all at once? It makes them all twitchy and weird, it'll look great!
Director: What? No! That's illegal! Jesus! Are you insane?
Lady Gaga: Oh, you sound like my cat when it talks to me. Oh! That gives me a great idea. Let's put a hairless cat in there somewhere! They are so cute! I also bought these glasses that look like they are already broken, and I really want to work them in. I figure I'll just do that in the opening 12 seconds when I'm playing with the Parrot Sharck. Hmmm, and aside from me setting a guy on fire and burning him to death using only my mind, I think that's it! What do you think Francis?
Director: Are you joking? That sounds like the most retarded idea for a music video ever. I would become the laughing stock of the town. I stick to my values! I got into this business to create art, not a cross between a Frankenstein, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and soft-core porn. No, no, a thousand times no!
Lady Gaga: What if I let us gratuitiously plug an alchohol, like Nemiroff?
Director: Ok, deal.
One Week Later > Batshit insanity is released on the world.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
My E-mail Inbox In 4 Years...Hopefully.
Dear Sam,
Ricky from College Humor here. I just wanted to let you know how appreciative we all are of you hanging with us for all these years. Remember when we first brought you on because of your gift with hunting down the funniest links. How long it’s been! I’m just really happy that after you got picked up by Entertainment Weekly for your hilarious articles, you stayed on writing for CH weekly. The videos that you made for us are still the number 1 viewed on you tube and have helped keep our channel ‘most viewed’ and ‘most subscribed’. I’ll admit when you teamed up and started making videos with Michael Swaim and Derrick Comedy, I was nervous you might leave us. However, you have kept up the quality work for all four of these great years. Thanks so much, from myself and the rest of the staff.
You’re the man,
Ricky
Dear Mr. Sheehan,
I’d first like to congratulate you on the amazing years by the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox. To be the General Manager of all three teams must leave you quite busy, and to have experienced championship and record breaking seasons with each team speaks to your in-depth knowledge and negotiation skills. In particular, your acquisitions of Dwight Howard, Roy Halladay, Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer, Chris Carpenter, Alex Ovechkin, and Sidney Crosby, while converting the latter two to play with Savard on the same line were all sheer brilliance.
I’m actually calling you to see if you would be interested in a job we have opening up here in Foxboro. As you know our Patriots’s GM job has been in question ever since the questionable decision to leave the defensive secondary in the hands of players whose total skill points on Madden are lower than Justin Bieber’s age. I was hoping that you, with your insightful and accurate knowledge of the sport along with your hard-nose negotiation skills, might be interested in the job. I understand you must be very busy, especially given your recent offers to manage Arsenal and coach Gonzaga’s basketball program. However, I will pay handsomely for your services and I hope you will consider my offer.
Sincerely,
Robert Kraft.
Dear Sam,
Hi Sam, this is Demetri Martin, we met at the Funniest Man in America awards show. First off, congratulations man. You totally deserve it after that sold out Madison Square Garden show. That bit you do about boners being the natural enemy of hugs was hysterical. The whole show was, for that matter. I was actually writing to see if you would be interested in doing a movie with me. I really haven’t been in the movie game since Taking Woodstock. I was hoping that you and Jason Siegel might be interested in helping me write and produce a new movie. I know you guys are really close after he called you his best friend in the world in that Entertainment Weekly article. I understand if you think this is beneath you, I mean if my first screenplay broke every box office record and won five statues , I’d be a hesitant to do something like this. (By the way, Romance Fail is one of my favorite movies of all time, your Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay statues are particularly well deserved.) If you and Jason are interested, just shoot me back an email and we can start bouncing ideas around.
Thanks,
Demetri
P.S. Do you think you can bring this up to Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow? I know they both love you and might be interested in doing this with us.
To Mr. Sam Sheehan
I hope this letter finds you in good health. This is Juliet with Armani men’s wear. First off Girgio and everyone here would like to say how impressed we are with your bold looks you’ve put out on the market. We never thought the grey hoodie would be chic again, but the confidence with which you wear your pristine wardrobe has been turning heads to say the least. We know you already have offers from Sean John, but we hope that might consider our own offer. We would love to create and carry your own Sam Sheehan line of hoodies and fashionably stained jeans. The craze would sweep America and we at Armani men’s wear would be the only ones who could handle such a volume. We were thinking the line’s tagline could be “Successfully Casual, Successfully Comfortable, Successfully Sexy” though we are totally open to other ideas. If you could write back with a time when we could sit down and talk business, I would be extremely grateful to you .
Sincerely,
Juliet Lockner
Yo my man!
Hey dude, great workout yesterday. I understand why you had to burn me on that last repeat. Gotta prep for those Olympics, huh? So I was talking to Ritz, Hall, Meb and some of the other guys. We were thinking of heading up to Colorado to train at elevation for a while. I understand if you can’t make it, as you’re such a busy dude. But we’d really appreciate it if you came out. We really need someone faster than us to push the intervals. Hopefully Lagat doesn’t have you doing mile training with him already (I know you two do that a lot.). Just something to think about. We can talk more this Sunday on the long run. I’m thinking 28 this week. Alright, later man
Your main man,
Galen
Dear Mr. Sheehan,
We here at the Jimmy Fund would like to thank you so much for helping us put on this charity music festival in Boston. We are predicting to raise at least 4 million in cancer research and it’s all thanks to you. We can’t thank you enough for getting all of these great bands to turn out for this three-day event. I just wanted to run through the list of performers one more time just to make sure we have it down.
Coldplay, The Killers, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, T-Pain, Daft Punk, Tiesto, Bloc Party, Arcade Fire, Phoenix, Akon, Maroon 5, Motion City Soundtrack, Dashboard Confessional, The Fray, Iron and Wine, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Ben Folds, Rhianna, Say Anything, MGMT, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Panic at the Disco, Timbaland, Hellogoodbye, Great Big Sea, Beyonce, Weezer, Guster, Bon Iver, Death Cab for Cutie, Jack Johnson, The Smiths, Barenaked Ladies, and Nickelback.
Just kidding on that last one, we’re trying to prevent cancer after all, not cause it. Just another fact check, are we leading off with Bloc Party and closing with a joint Killers-Coldplay show? I think that’s the way you had planned it, but I just wanted to make sure. We can’t begin to tell you how much this means to us, you getting all of these big names to play for charity. I know that you, Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers and Kele Okereke are all really good friends and hit the clubs together on the weekends. Could you please thank them so much for their kindness? One last time, thank you so much and email me back if anything here isn’t correct.
With gratitude,
Jessica Neason
Director of Activities
The Jimmy Fund
Hi,
I know you are usually supposed to wait three days or whatever, but I really want to see you again, so I figure that I could bend the rules this time. I just wanted to say I had the greatest time of my life last night. I mean I never knew anyone could cook the way you do. I go to restaurants where they say , “This is the best dish in the world Miss Bell!”, but that veal you made was hands down the best I’ve ever had in my life. I was hoping we could meet up soon. Maybe, discuss where you learned to dance the way to you do! I felt just like a princess in a movie. Or, if you don’t feel like divulging your secrets, maybe you could teach me to play piano. I don’t know how you write songs as pretty as the one you played for me last night. I probably could have paid a little more attention to the piano playing if I wasn’t laughing all night. No one has ever made me laugh that much in one night. So thanks for raising my standards so much, jerk. Seriously, give me a call sometime in the next few days. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Love,
Kristen
Sam,
You are cool enough to hang out with me now. I’ll text you later with the details. You bring the booze, and I’ll bring the bitches.
Bruce Braine
Ricky from College Humor here. I just wanted to let you know how appreciative we all are of you hanging with us for all these years. Remember when we first brought you on because of your gift with hunting down the funniest links. How long it’s been! I’m just really happy that after you got picked up by Entertainment Weekly for your hilarious articles, you stayed on writing for CH weekly. The videos that you made for us are still the number 1 viewed on you tube and have helped keep our channel ‘most viewed’ and ‘most subscribed’. I’ll admit when you teamed up and started making videos with Michael Swaim and Derrick Comedy, I was nervous you might leave us. However, you have kept up the quality work for all four of these great years. Thanks so much, from myself and the rest of the staff.
You’re the man,
Ricky
Dear Mr. Sheehan,
I’d first like to congratulate you on the amazing years by the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox. To be the General Manager of all three teams must leave you quite busy, and to have experienced championship and record breaking seasons with each team speaks to your in-depth knowledge and negotiation skills. In particular, your acquisitions of Dwight Howard, Roy Halladay, Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer, Chris Carpenter, Alex Ovechkin, and Sidney Crosby, while converting the latter two to play with Savard on the same line were all sheer brilliance.
I’m actually calling you to see if you would be interested in a job we have opening up here in Foxboro. As you know our Patriots’s GM job has been in question ever since the questionable decision to leave the defensive secondary in the hands of players whose total skill points on Madden are lower than Justin Bieber’s age. I was hoping that you, with your insightful and accurate knowledge of the sport along with your hard-nose negotiation skills, might be interested in the job. I understand you must be very busy, especially given your recent offers to manage Arsenal and coach Gonzaga’s basketball program. However, I will pay handsomely for your services and I hope you will consider my offer.
Sincerely,
Robert Kraft.
Dear Sam,
Hi Sam, this is Demetri Martin, we met at the Funniest Man in America awards show. First off, congratulations man. You totally deserve it after that sold out Madison Square Garden show. That bit you do about boners being the natural enemy of hugs was hysterical. The whole show was, for that matter. I was actually writing to see if you would be interested in doing a movie with me. I really haven’t been in the movie game since Taking Woodstock. I was hoping that you and Jason Siegel might be interested in helping me write and produce a new movie. I know you guys are really close after he called you his best friend in the world in that Entertainment Weekly article. I understand if you think this is beneath you, I mean if my first screenplay broke every box office record and won five statues , I’d be a hesitant to do something like this. (By the way, Romance Fail is one of my favorite movies of all time, your Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay statues are particularly well deserved.) If you and Jason are interested, just shoot me back an email and we can start bouncing ideas around.
Thanks,
Demetri
P.S. Do you think you can bring this up to Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow? I know they both love you and might be interested in doing this with us.
To Mr. Sam Sheehan
I hope this letter finds you in good health. This is Juliet with Armani men’s wear. First off Girgio and everyone here would like to say how impressed we are with your bold looks you’ve put out on the market. We never thought the grey hoodie would be chic again, but the confidence with which you wear your pristine wardrobe has been turning heads to say the least. We know you already have offers from Sean John, but we hope that might consider our own offer. We would love to create and carry your own Sam Sheehan line of hoodies and fashionably stained jeans. The craze would sweep America and we at Armani men’s wear would be the only ones who could handle such a volume. We were thinking the line’s tagline could be “Successfully Casual, Successfully Comfortable, Successfully Sexy” though we are totally open to other ideas. If you could write back with a time when we could sit down and talk business, I would be extremely grateful to you .
Sincerely,
Juliet Lockner
Yo my man!
Hey dude, great workout yesterday. I understand why you had to burn me on that last repeat. Gotta prep for those Olympics, huh? So I was talking to Ritz, Hall, Meb and some of the other guys. We were thinking of heading up to Colorado to train at elevation for a while. I understand if you can’t make it, as you’re such a busy dude. But we’d really appreciate it if you came out. We really need someone faster than us to push the intervals. Hopefully Lagat doesn’t have you doing mile training with him already (I know you two do that a lot.). Just something to think about. We can talk more this Sunday on the long run. I’m thinking 28 this week. Alright, later man
Your main man,
Galen
Dear Mr. Sheehan,
We here at the Jimmy Fund would like to thank you so much for helping us put on this charity music festival in Boston. We are predicting to raise at least 4 million in cancer research and it’s all thanks to you. We can’t thank you enough for getting all of these great bands to turn out for this three-day event. I just wanted to run through the list of performers one more time just to make sure we have it down.
Coldplay, The Killers, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, T-Pain, Daft Punk, Tiesto, Bloc Party, Arcade Fire, Phoenix, Akon, Maroon 5, Motion City Soundtrack, Dashboard Confessional, The Fray, Iron and Wine, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Ben Folds, Rhianna, Say Anything, MGMT, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Panic at the Disco, Timbaland, Hellogoodbye, Great Big Sea, Beyonce, Weezer, Guster, Bon Iver, Death Cab for Cutie, Jack Johnson, The Smiths, Barenaked Ladies, and Nickelback.
Just kidding on that last one, we’re trying to prevent cancer after all, not cause it. Just another fact check, are we leading off with Bloc Party and closing with a joint Killers-Coldplay show? I think that’s the way you had planned it, but I just wanted to make sure. We can’t begin to tell you how much this means to us, you getting all of these big names to play for charity. I know that you, Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers and Kele Okereke are all really good friends and hit the clubs together on the weekends. Could you please thank them so much for their kindness? One last time, thank you so much and email me back if anything here isn’t correct.
With gratitude,
Jessica Neason
Director of Activities
The Jimmy Fund
Hi,
I know you are usually supposed to wait three days or whatever, but I really want to see you again, so I figure that I could bend the rules this time. I just wanted to say I had the greatest time of my life last night. I mean I never knew anyone could cook the way you do. I go to restaurants where they say , “This is the best dish in the world Miss Bell!”, but that veal you made was hands down the best I’ve ever had in my life. I was hoping we could meet up soon. Maybe, discuss where you learned to dance the way to you do! I felt just like a princess in a movie. Or, if you don’t feel like divulging your secrets, maybe you could teach me to play piano. I don’t know how you write songs as pretty as the one you played for me last night. I probably could have paid a little more attention to the piano playing if I wasn’t laughing all night. No one has ever made me laugh that much in one night. So thanks for raising my standards so much, jerk. Seriously, give me a call sometime in the next few days. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Love,
Kristen
Sam,
You are cool enough to hang out with me now. I’ll text you later with the details. You bring the booze, and I’ll bring the bitches.
Bruce Braine
Science! As Made Simple by Sam Sheehan
Neuroscience: Our brain is trippy as shit. We can't figure out what exactly makes it work.
Physics: When matter goes away it turns into energy, when energy goes away it turns into matter.
Chemistry: Atoms make up shit. How much proton shit and electron shit makes atoms different. Different atoms make different shit.
Geology: Rocks aren't alive.
Nutrition: Eat the shit that makes up your body. What comes out, you don't need.
Exercise Physiology: Some people can run fast, and jump high cause their bodies are better.
Immunology: If you get a virus and your body survives it on it's own, you won't get it again.
DNA Replication, Recombination and Repair: Jurassic Park.
Marine Biology: This shit swims!
Ecology: When some shit dies, some other shit eats it.
Genetics: People bang and their kids look like them.
Advanced Genetics: When kids don't look like their parents it means they look like grandparents or another ancestor. That shit is called recessive.
Political Science: People argue.
Physics: When matter goes away it turns into energy, when energy goes away it turns into matter.
Chemistry: Atoms make up shit. How much proton shit and electron shit makes atoms different. Different atoms make different shit.
Geology: Rocks aren't alive.
Nutrition: Eat the shit that makes up your body. What comes out, you don't need.
Exercise Physiology: Some people can run fast, and jump high cause their bodies are better.
Immunology: If you get a virus and your body survives it on it's own, you won't get it again.
DNA Replication, Recombination and Repair: Jurassic Park.
Marine Biology: This shit swims!
Ecology: When some shit dies, some other shit eats it.
Genetics: People bang and their kids look like them.
Advanced Genetics: When kids don't look like their parents it means they look like grandparents or another ancestor. That shit is called recessive.
Political Science: People argue.
How to Become Sam Sheehan Circa 2004- A Socially Awkward Checklist
1. Tell a funny story. Stutter and ruin the punchline.
2. Wait for the right time to say some thing. Get interrupted.
3. Stumble while walking. Look back at invisible object.
4. Be polite and hold the door. They are slightly too far away.
5. A friend begins to walk away from you. Immediately follow.
6. Wash your hands after using the bathroom. Splash water on the front of your pants.
7. You laugh at a joke, but don't get it. Someone asks you to explain it.
8. Start a conversation with her. Immediately run out of things to talk about.
9. You move your bag so they can sit with you. They walk past you to sit with someone else.
10. Your waitress tells you to enjoy your meal. You say "You too."
11. Someone is walking towards you. You move to the side. They move to the same side.
12. You check your phone cause you have nothing to contribute to the conversation.
13. You say something funny only one person hears. They repeat it louder and get a great reaction from your joke.
14. Try to join in a conversation. No one hears you speak except one girl in the group who looks at you awkwardly while people continue to talk over you. You pretend you were only talking to her in the first place.
15. You didn't hear what they said so you laugh. It was a question, not a joke.
16. Show your friends a video you think is hilarious. You laugh the whole time you are watching it. They don't even smile.
17. Make a "your mom" joke. Girl next to you starts crying because her mom died of leukemia.
18. Wave back. She meant the person behind you. Touch head instead.
19. "Hey do you think we can meet this weekend? No, oh okay... Maybe next?"
20. Recognize friend of friend on other end of street. Signal and smile stupidly until proximity allows communication.
21. Start dancing. Feel weird and stop.
22. Shake hands. They grab too quickly and shake your fingers.
23. Close messenger window just as they post something.
24. Ask question in messenger window. Answer to your question appears a millisecond before you hit send, but you already hit send.
25. Pretend to be talking on cell phone so people won't talk to you. Cellphone rings in your ear.
26. How far along are you? Not pregnant.
27. Friend standing next to you gets invited to party. You don't.
28. Sing loudly to Ipod. Someone's just entered the room.
29. Lock eyes with cute girl. First to look away.
30. Can't be bothered finishing sentence. Uncomfortable silence.
31. Accidentally like girl's status on facebook. Girl's status "RIP Nana"
32. Film has scene with applause. Start clapping.
33. Break the silence, ask for time. You're wearing a watch.
34. Take your shirt off because it's too hot. Feel self conscious. Put shirt back on.
35. Walk into room with strangers. Walk back out.
36. Girl is online. You say "hey". Girl is offline
37. They went in for a pound. You went in for a high-five.
38. Say goodbye. Start walking same way.
39. Go in for handshake. They look away at the same time.
40. Notice stain on shirt at end of day.
If anyone has any questions to ask me. What's that? Oh I thought you said something...
....
Kay, well I'll see you later.
2. Wait for the right time to say some thing. Get interrupted.
3. Stumble while walking. Look back at invisible object.
4. Be polite and hold the door. They are slightly too far away.
5. A friend begins to walk away from you. Immediately follow.
6. Wash your hands after using the bathroom. Splash water on the front of your pants.
7. You laugh at a joke, but don't get it. Someone asks you to explain it.
8. Start a conversation with her. Immediately run out of things to talk about.
9. You move your bag so they can sit with you. They walk past you to sit with someone else.
10. Your waitress tells you to enjoy your meal. You say "You too."
11. Someone is walking towards you. You move to the side. They move to the same side.
12. You check your phone cause you have nothing to contribute to the conversation.
13. You say something funny only one person hears. They repeat it louder and get a great reaction from your joke.
14. Try to join in a conversation. No one hears you speak except one girl in the group who looks at you awkwardly while people continue to talk over you. You pretend you were only talking to her in the first place.
15. You didn't hear what they said so you laugh. It was a question, not a joke.
16. Show your friends a video you think is hilarious. You laugh the whole time you are watching it. They don't even smile.
17. Make a "your mom" joke. Girl next to you starts crying because her mom died of leukemia.
18. Wave back. She meant the person behind you. Touch head instead.
19. "Hey do you think we can meet this weekend? No, oh okay... Maybe next?"
20. Recognize friend of friend on other end of street. Signal and smile stupidly until proximity allows communication.
21. Start dancing. Feel weird and stop.
22. Shake hands. They grab too quickly and shake your fingers.
23. Close messenger window just as they post something.
24. Ask question in messenger window. Answer to your question appears a millisecond before you hit send, but you already hit send.
25. Pretend to be talking on cell phone so people won't talk to you. Cellphone rings in your ear.
26. How far along are you? Not pregnant.
27. Friend standing next to you gets invited to party. You don't.
28. Sing loudly to Ipod. Someone's just entered the room.
29. Lock eyes with cute girl. First to look away.
30. Can't be bothered finishing sentence. Uncomfortable silence.
31. Accidentally like girl's status on facebook. Girl's status "RIP Nana"
32. Film has scene with applause. Start clapping.
33. Break the silence, ask for time. You're wearing a watch.
34. Take your shirt off because it's too hot. Feel self conscious. Put shirt back on.
35. Walk into room with strangers. Walk back out.
36. Girl is online. You say "hey". Girl is offline
37. They went in for a pound. You went in for a high-five.
38. Say goodbye. Start walking same way.
39. Go in for handshake. They look away at the same time.
40. Notice stain on shirt at end of day.
If anyone has any questions to ask me. What's that? Oh I thought you said something...
....
Kay, well I'll see you later.
The Eighth Deadly Sin
Hi everyone. Usually I'm all fun and games, but right now I'm anything but. Why? Well, I just got back from the V-Dub (one of my favorite places in the world next to Tim Hortons, IHOP, and wherever a cool pint of Dublin Mudslide is) and let me tell you, this guy is not a happy camper. My friends Mike and Brady along with myself spent the better part of a half hour in search of a table with which to find refuge. Unfortunately, all of the tables were taken. I felt like the new girl in every teen comedy ever. "Don't sit there that's where the lacrosse kid sit". "Don't sit there, that's were the geeks sit! Do you want your social life ruined?". To ensure that no one else faces this travesty I'm going to impart a bit of advice. I'm only going to say it once so listen up.
SIT AT A TABLE COMPARABLE TO THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE YOU HAVE.
That's it. I know, I know girl with the orgo test. You absolutely have to have the table with sixteen seats, sit in the middle of it, spread your books out, and shoot a dirty look at anyone who sits with you. Guess what, toots? THERE ARE FUCKING PLENTY OF TWO PERSON SEATS NEAR THE DRINKS. Yes by the way, I mean you, girl with no friends who was sitting by herself at the 8 person table tonight. I'm sorry you don't have friends,really I am, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE SIT SOMEWHERE CONVENIENT.
"But Sam," you may say, "why don't you just sit with them?" they are starving for a friend after all. Well let me give you a little sampler of me sitting down with these people in a real life, dinner conversation .
(Me) "Hi, anyone sitting here?"
(Them) [quietly with a look of despise] "No"
(Me) "Awesome! I'm Sam, by the way."
(Them) "Hi" [goes back to studying with a look of supreme irritation]
(Me) "Man o'man. The ravioli again, huh? When is the V-Dub going to get some real food?"
(Them) [Without looking up from book.] "Hmmmm..."
(Me) "So what are you concentrating in?"
(Them) [Eyeing my XC jacket.] "Engineering, and I'm guessing you are majoring in COE."
(Me) "Yeah... That's right! I'm sorry, I didn't get your name!"
(Them) "Oh really? I thought I had mentioned it."
(Me) "Well maybe you did! I just might have missed it!"
(Them) [Under breath.] "Shocker..."
(Me) "What?"
(Them) "Nothing." [Meal continues until the end in silence.]
I guess there were seats on the left side of the V-Dub, but do you know what it means to sit on that side? It means, frankly, I suck. Anyone who's anyone sits on the right side. So if you have no friends to sit with, for the love of god sit on the left side. It is actually the eighth deadly sin to waste a perfectly good V-Dub table. At least on the right side of V-Dub, cause that's where us cool kids get it done.If you think this is condescending you and your friends have obviously never been without a table. If you never eat with your friends, you might be the problem.
SIT AT A TABLE COMPARABLE TO THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE YOU HAVE.
That's it. I know, I know girl with the orgo test. You absolutely have to have the table with sixteen seats, sit in the middle of it, spread your books out, and shoot a dirty look at anyone who sits with you. Guess what, toots? THERE ARE FUCKING PLENTY OF TWO PERSON SEATS NEAR THE DRINKS. Yes by the way, I mean you, girl with no friends who was sitting by herself at the 8 person table tonight. I'm sorry you don't have friends,really I am, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE SIT SOMEWHERE CONVENIENT.
"But Sam," you may say, "why don't you just sit with them?" they are starving for a friend after all. Well let me give you a little sampler of me sitting down with these people in a real life, dinner conversation .
(Me) "Hi, anyone sitting here?"
(Them) [quietly with a look of despise] "No"
(Me) "Awesome! I'm Sam, by the way."
(Them) "Hi" [goes back to studying with a look of supreme irritation]
(Me) "Man o'man. The ravioli again, huh? When is the V-Dub going to get some real food?"
(Them) [Without looking up from book.] "Hmmmm..."
(Me) "So what are you concentrating in?"
(Them) [Eyeing my XC jacket.] "Engineering, and I'm guessing you are majoring in COE."
(Me) "Yeah... That's right! I'm sorry, I didn't get your name!"
(Them) "Oh really? I thought I had mentioned it."
(Me) "Well maybe you did! I just might have missed it!"
(Them) [Under breath.] "Shocker..."
(Me) "What?"
(Them) "Nothing." [Meal continues until the end in silence.]
I guess there were seats on the left side of the V-Dub, but do you know what it means to sit on that side? It means, frankly, I suck. Anyone who's anyone sits on the right side. So if you have no friends to sit with, for the love of god sit on the left side. It is actually the eighth deadly sin to waste a perfectly good V-Dub table. At least on the right side of V-Dub, cause that's where us cool kids get it done.If you think this is condescending you and your friends have obviously never been without a table. If you never eat with your friends, you might be the problem.
If you ever feel like you have it bad
Howdy, y'all. I know Most usually write notes with the intention of being funny. Whether or not I succeed most times is a matter of opinion. In fact I kind of try to use most of my Facebook in attempts to be funny. But today. I'm not going to do that.
Lately, I feel like I've had a lot to mope about. These last 5 months have been rough to say the least. Really it's been give or take a year since everything was firing on all cylinders for me. Today, as I watched my two favorite sports teams suffer crippling losses, I really felt down. Then I remembered what it was that has kept me going this whole time. It's a story that I am going to tell you now. For obvious reason's I can't tell you how I know this boy or what his real name is, but I assure you he is quite real. This shit is heavy, so if you are in a good mood, hit up somewhere else
This is the story of "Parker". Parker was born into a family with quite a bit of strife. His mom was a drug addict and dealer, (probably, did a little smack while she was carrying Parker) and his dad quickly bailed out of the picture soon after Parker was born. Till about age three, he grew up in his mom's drug-dealer house and saw God knows what. Around then, she was picked up by the police on a drug charge. This left child-services with the question of what to do with little Parker. The mother's parents were dead, so this left them with no choice, but to track down Parker's dad. They found him, living two towns over with his new wife and two new kids. So child services brought Parker over to his dad.
Who immediately refused to take the three year old in. It seems he didn't want the delicate balance of his new home to be upset by the "tainted" Parker. When they asked the father if there was anyone in his family who could take care of the boy, he informed them that his parents were also dead and advised them to place him into the foster care system.
Child-services may have done just that, but someone turned up the following day to claim Parker. His Mother's Grandmother. His Great-Grandmother. Just 85 years young when she picked Parker up, the little old lady brought him back to her house to raise him. In the same town where his father lives with his new family. That has the same school district.
Luckily, Parker's mom still had a lot of friends on the outside. They often needed money and would go to Parker's great grandmother (we'll call her Nan) for handouts. Or, if she didn't have any, steal things to pawn. He calls these people his uncles and aunts. The ones that steal from him and Nan.
Given the circumstances, Nan did a pretty great job raising him. Though he would have some learning disabilities, that was pretty much it, and given his mom's drug use, it's kinda miraculous.
So he's in 6th grade, now and he's doing cross country at his local school. This is a sweet kid. No anti-social disorder like some kids have, he doesn't bully other kids. This is the kinda kid who asks what kind of Pokemon cards I have left and if I'll trade him. And every day at school he sees his two half brothers. 4th and 3rd grade. Does he see his dad drop them off in the morning? Probably not everyday. But to be a an 11 year old kid, to feel like you've done something to make your dad not want you, to see your brothers he's chosen over you, when all you did was exist... That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Parker's Nan is now 93. A couple of years past life expectancy. How much more time in a loving home does Parker have before he gets put into the system? He asked the person I know him through the other day, "If something happen's to Nan? Where will I go?" Apparently, he didn't say it sadly or like he was concerned. It was just a question. He was curious. Where would he go next?
Yet, Parker is out there running. He does it everyday. He's pretty much always dead last, but he just shakes it off. Talks to the other kids when he's done.
And that's Parker. I've known him for two years. I know we can all have tough times and it can be tough to get through them. But if things feel like they just can't get any worse, think of Parker. I know you hear stories like this in a magazine all the time. It's a whole different ball game when you can see the kid, talk to him, visit his house, etc. Just know that Parker is a real kid, he is out there and he is dealing with shit a whole lot more real than you and me.
Lately, I feel like I've had a lot to mope about. These last 5 months have been rough to say the least. Really it's been give or take a year since everything was firing on all cylinders for me. Today, as I watched my two favorite sports teams suffer crippling losses, I really felt down. Then I remembered what it was that has kept me going this whole time. It's a story that I am going to tell you now. For obvious reason's I can't tell you how I know this boy or what his real name is, but I assure you he is quite real. This shit is heavy, so if you are in a good mood, hit up somewhere else
This is the story of "Parker". Parker was born into a family with quite a bit of strife. His mom was a drug addict and dealer, (probably, did a little smack while she was carrying Parker) and his dad quickly bailed out of the picture soon after Parker was born. Till about age three, he grew up in his mom's drug-dealer house and saw God knows what. Around then, she was picked up by the police on a drug charge. This left child-services with the question of what to do with little Parker. The mother's parents were dead, so this left them with no choice, but to track down Parker's dad. They found him, living two towns over with his new wife and two new kids. So child services brought Parker over to his dad.
Who immediately refused to take the three year old in. It seems he didn't want the delicate balance of his new home to be upset by the "tainted" Parker. When they asked the father if there was anyone in his family who could take care of the boy, he informed them that his parents were also dead and advised them to place him into the foster care system.
Child-services may have done just that, but someone turned up the following day to claim Parker. His Mother's Grandmother. His Great-Grandmother. Just 85 years young when she picked Parker up, the little old lady brought him back to her house to raise him. In the same town where his father lives with his new family. That has the same school district.
Luckily, Parker's mom still had a lot of friends on the outside. They often needed money and would go to Parker's great grandmother (we'll call her Nan) for handouts. Or, if she didn't have any, steal things to pawn. He calls these people his uncles and aunts. The ones that steal from him and Nan.
Given the circumstances, Nan did a pretty great job raising him. Though he would have some learning disabilities, that was pretty much it, and given his mom's drug use, it's kinda miraculous.
So he's in 6th grade, now and he's doing cross country at his local school. This is a sweet kid. No anti-social disorder like some kids have, he doesn't bully other kids. This is the kinda kid who asks what kind of Pokemon cards I have left and if I'll trade him. And every day at school he sees his two half brothers. 4th and 3rd grade. Does he see his dad drop them off in the morning? Probably not everyday. But to be a an 11 year old kid, to feel like you've done something to make your dad not want you, to see your brothers he's chosen over you, when all you did was exist... That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Parker's Nan is now 93. A couple of years past life expectancy. How much more time in a loving home does Parker have before he gets put into the system? He asked the person I know him through the other day, "If something happen's to Nan? Where will I go?" Apparently, he didn't say it sadly or like he was concerned. It was just a question. He was curious. Where would he go next?
Yet, Parker is out there running. He does it everyday. He's pretty much always dead last, but he just shakes it off. Talks to the other kids when he's done.
And that's Parker. I've known him for two years. I know we can all have tough times and it can be tough to get through them. But if things feel like they just can't get any worse, think of Parker. I know you hear stories like this in a magazine all the time. It's a whole different ball game when you can see the kid, talk to him, visit his house, etc. Just know that Parker is a real kid, he is out there and he is dealing with shit a whole lot more real than you and me.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I record my thoughts as I watch the end of the Yankees game and the whole Red Sox game.
The actual text
(flavor context added after)
Top 1st:
Great, I have to watch the Sox on strikezone cause Joe Nathan can't pitch.
Good Jacoby, work that pitch count. It's ok, you worked that pitch count.
WTF was that DP? God damn it. Play like an MVP
Again, it's ok if you work the pitch count Victor.
(I was watching on MLB.coms strikezone. You see the typical early hopefulness of a fan at the beginning. Concern with working the pitch count, etc.)
Bottom 1st:
Sweet Jesus does this ump know what a strike zone is?
Nevermind, he does.
Three up, three down in 12 pitches? I can live with it. Good work Joshie.
(Standard first inning, I'm still feeling good.)
Top Second:
MOTHERFUCKING TWINS LEFT NATHAN IN. ARE YOU TRYING TO LOSE? HE'S SHAKEN GET HIM OUT OF THERE. FUCKING YANKEES.
I can't even watch Ortiz anymore. It hurts my heart.
No way that was a ball.
I guess pitching duels aren't that bad...
(Here we see the patented late game anger being worked in on the separate Twins Yanks game. I treat David Oritz like a loved one who has died. All i can do is cherish the memories.)
Bottom Second:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NATHAN? WORST PICKOFF ATTEMPT EVER.
Finally, Nathan you suck.
Good work Beckett.
(I still agree with this, Joe Nathan was terrible)
Top Third:
SUCK IT YANKEES, NICE HIT JOHNNY HAHAHAHAHA!
Wow, so fail call by the ref. Luckily Joe still grabbed a single.
Jesus, Where the fuck are the hitters? This game might be over before the Twins-Yanks.
(Early displeasure with the red sox offense begins to leak in. Though there is momentary elation with the Yankees woes.)
Bottom Third:
Learn to hit Delmon Young. God damn it... I'm not gonna be able to watch the sox.
First hit, Unfortunately not us...
FUCKING TWINS. God I hate the Yankees.
Good stuff Beckett, keep it up.
(I watch the Twins blow a bases loaded nobody out situation. I'm not happy. That will carry over to later that game.)
Top Fourth:
Ugh, Walk off for the Yanks. Gross. It's like if the refs had made the proper call earlier the game would be totally different. Oh wait. At least i can actually watch the Sox.
FUCK YEAH JACOBY ELLSBURY!
BOOOM! RUNS BABY!
God, Ortiz. Just... God...
(I'm angry about the Yankees win. Fortunately, we see the Red Sox generate points. The last time I will be happy in this game. Again we see the corpse of Ortiz stand in the box and watch the ball go by. Trouble is brewing.)
Bottom Fourth:
Uh oh, if abreu can hit...
Oh dear... first and third.
Fuck. Well one run in four innings is pretty good. That's a 2.50 ERA...
(We call this denial. That last line. The angel have found their stride. This is where I begin buliding toward rage blackout.)
Top Fifth:
I swear to god if if see one more avacodo ad...
OH GOD THAT WAS CLOSE. CHIN UP JASON, I'd still bone you.
God Gonzalez. You really can't hit... At all. Die slowly.
(The first death wish of the night. I will it to Alex Gonzalez for a particularly terrible at bat.)
Bottom Fifth:
Beckett, I want to fellate you. If that's not a word, it is now.
(I'm still in love with Beckett for keeping us in the game. I still might fellate him.)
Top Sixth:
Wow, Just wow. Who let my dad's softball team out into the batter's box. And why are they wearing red sox uniforms?
We are going to lose this game... Ugh.
(Terrible realization begins to dawn on me. I know where this is going. Rage will build even more quickly.)
Bottom Sixth:
I've never thought that whether or not I was gay was an issue for me. Beckett's making me rethink that. I wish I was kidding.
(Again, Beckett's pitching provides a glimmer of hope, the last I will see.)
Top Seventh:
One Pitch One Out... Yep, sounds like the 2009 Ortiz
How the fuck is Weaver not tiring? He's thrown 103... FOUL JASON BAY!!! FOUL LIKE THE WIND!
A BASERUNNER! HOLY SHIT!!!
ahhh that's more like the postseason sox I know. A weak ass fly out. Perfect.
(And we reach angry sarcasm. It's all downhill from here.)
Bottom Seventh:
Uh oh, since when does josh beckett throw balls?
Wagner's warming... Why? Beckett has thrown 87. This is the bullshit that loses us games.
GOD DAMN IT! FUCKING COCK SUCKING SOX CAN"T PROVIDE ANY FUCKING RUN SUPPORT AND NOW WE ARE LOSING!!!
MIKE NAPOLI IS A FAT SACK OF SHIT FUCKING HANGING OVER THE PLATE
Why do I like these fuck heads?.... Why....
Thank god...It's over.
(Here is the turning point in my spirit breaking. My only light was Beckett. Then it was dashed.)
Top Eighth
Wow... Dear god. Three pitch strikeout. Awesome work Jed Lowrie.
HOLY SHIT A HIT!!! Jacoby Ellsbury=the only red sox member to show up.
Wow, just FUCKING WOW. How the fuck did we make the playoffs.
(Now I'm hurt. The angry hurt of the fan of an underperforming sports team.)
Bottom Eighth
Go sit down Billy Wagner, and you think long and hard about what you've done.
Please Pap,... Save Us...
Ok, ok three runs isn't that bad. Let's go! Time to pull the thumb out of the ass.
(Note the false hope. Delirious off of the Moxie I have been drinking and nearing a rage blackout, I start talking crazy.)
Top Ninth
Oh god, the fly out. One down... COME ON!!!!
THERE WE FUCKING GO YOUK!!!!! DOUBLE CITY!!!
Oh dear... It's Ortiz. Please dear god, no double play...
Ugh, ortiz.... why... one out away...
Save us Jason Bay. SAVE US!!!
Oh thank god, a walk. I LIKE MIKE! LET'S GO LOWELL!!!!
MOTHERFUCKING GOD DAMN SHIT EATING RED SOX YOU GUYS CAN"T HIT SHIT AT ALL EVER. YOU SHOULD ALL GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF LEST YOU PROCREATE YOU BAGS OF SHIT. YOU ALWAYS RUIN MY FUCKING NIGHT WITH YOUR SHIT EATING TRUCKLOAD OF FAIL.
(And there it is. Red Sox's Nation's feelings summed up. One game away from elimination. Oh boy.)
(flavor context added after)
Top 1st:
Great, I have to watch the Sox on strikezone cause Joe Nathan can't pitch.
Good Jacoby, work that pitch count. It's ok, you worked that pitch count.
WTF was that DP? God damn it. Play like an MVP
Again, it's ok if you work the pitch count Victor.
(I was watching on MLB.coms strikezone. You see the typical early hopefulness of a fan at the beginning. Concern with working the pitch count, etc.)
Bottom 1st:
Sweet Jesus does this ump know what a strike zone is?
Nevermind, he does.
Three up, three down in 12 pitches? I can live with it. Good work Joshie.
(Standard first inning, I'm still feeling good.)
Top Second:
MOTHERFUCKING TWINS LEFT NATHAN IN. ARE YOU TRYING TO LOSE? HE'S SHAKEN GET HIM OUT OF THERE. FUCKING YANKEES.
I can't even watch Ortiz anymore. It hurts my heart.
No way that was a ball.
I guess pitching duels aren't that bad...
(Here we see the patented late game anger being worked in on the separate Twins Yanks game. I treat David Oritz like a loved one who has died. All i can do is cherish the memories.)
Bottom Second:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NATHAN? WORST PICKOFF ATTEMPT EVER.
Finally, Nathan you suck.
Good work Beckett.
(I still agree with this, Joe Nathan was terrible)
Top Third:
SUCK IT YANKEES, NICE HIT JOHNNY HAHAHAHAHA!
Wow, so fail call by the ref. Luckily Joe still grabbed a single.
Jesus, Where the fuck are the hitters? This game might be over before the Twins-Yanks.
(Early displeasure with the red sox offense begins to leak in. Though there is momentary elation with the Yankees woes.)
Bottom Third:
Learn to hit Delmon Young. God damn it... I'm not gonna be able to watch the sox.
First hit, Unfortunately not us...
FUCKING TWINS. God I hate the Yankees.
Good stuff Beckett, keep it up.
(I watch the Twins blow a bases loaded nobody out situation. I'm not happy. That will carry over to later that game.)
Top Fourth:
Ugh, Walk off for the Yanks. Gross. It's like if the refs had made the proper call earlier the game would be totally different. Oh wait. At least i can actually watch the Sox.
FUCK YEAH JACOBY ELLSBURY!
BOOOM! RUNS BABY!
God, Ortiz. Just... God...
(I'm angry about the Yankees win. Fortunately, we see the Red Sox generate points. The last time I will be happy in this game. Again we see the corpse of Ortiz stand in the box and watch the ball go by. Trouble is brewing.)
Bottom Fourth:
Uh oh, if abreu can hit...
Oh dear... first and third.
Fuck. Well one run in four innings is pretty good. That's a 2.50 ERA...
(We call this denial. That last line. The angel have found their stride. This is where I begin buliding toward rage blackout.)
Top Fifth:
I swear to god if if see one more avacodo ad...
OH GOD THAT WAS CLOSE. CHIN UP JASON, I'd still bone you.
God Gonzalez. You really can't hit... At all. Die slowly.
(The first death wish of the night. I will it to Alex Gonzalez for a particularly terrible at bat.)
Bottom Fifth:
Beckett, I want to fellate you. If that's not a word, it is now.
(I'm still in love with Beckett for keeping us in the game. I still might fellate him.)
Top Sixth:
Wow, Just wow. Who let my dad's softball team out into the batter's box. And why are they wearing red sox uniforms?
We are going to lose this game... Ugh.
(Terrible realization begins to dawn on me. I know where this is going. Rage will build even more quickly.)
Bottom Sixth:
I've never thought that whether or not I was gay was an issue for me. Beckett's making me rethink that. I wish I was kidding.
(Again, Beckett's pitching provides a glimmer of hope, the last I will see.)
Top Seventh:
One Pitch One Out... Yep, sounds like the 2009 Ortiz
How the fuck is Weaver not tiring? He's thrown 103... FOUL JASON BAY!!! FOUL LIKE THE WIND!
A BASERUNNER! HOLY SHIT!!!
ahhh that's more like the postseason sox I know. A weak ass fly out. Perfect.
(And we reach angry sarcasm. It's all downhill from here.)
Bottom Seventh:
Uh oh, since when does josh beckett throw balls?
Wagner's warming... Why? Beckett has thrown 87. This is the bullshit that loses us games.
GOD DAMN IT! FUCKING COCK SUCKING SOX CAN"T PROVIDE ANY FUCKING RUN SUPPORT AND NOW WE ARE LOSING!!!
MIKE NAPOLI IS A FAT SACK OF SHIT FUCKING HANGING OVER THE PLATE
Why do I like these fuck heads?.... Why....
Thank god...It's over.
(Here is the turning point in my spirit breaking. My only light was Beckett. Then it was dashed.)
Top Eighth
Wow... Dear god. Three pitch strikeout. Awesome work Jed Lowrie.
HOLY SHIT A HIT!!! Jacoby Ellsbury=the only red sox member to show up.
Wow, just FUCKING WOW. How the fuck did we make the playoffs.
(Now I'm hurt. The angry hurt of the fan of an underperforming sports team.)
Bottom Eighth
Go sit down Billy Wagner, and you think long and hard about what you've done.
Please Pap,... Save Us...
Ok, ok three runs isn't that bad. Let's go! Time to pull the thumb out of the ass.
(Note the false hope. Delirious off of the Moxie I have been drinking and nearing a rage blackout, I start talking crazy.)
Top Ninth
Oh god, the fly out. One down... COME ON!!!!
THERE WE FUCKING GO YOUK!!!!! DOUBLE CITY!!!
Oh dear... It's Ortiz. Please dear god, no double play...
Ugh, ortiz.... why... one out away...
Save us Jason Bay. SAVE US!!!
Oh thank god, a walk. I LIKE MIKE! LET'S GO LOWELL!!!!
MOTHERFUCKING GOD DAMN SHIT EATING RED SOX YOU GUYS CAN"T HIT SHIT AT ALL EVER. YOU SHOULD ALL GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF LEST YOU PROCREATE YOU BAGS OF SHIT. YOU ALWAYS RUIN MY FUCKING NIGHT WITH YOUR SHIT EATING TRUCKLOAD OF FAIL.
(And there it is. Red Sox's Nation's feelings summed up. One game away from elimination. Oh boy.)
If Edward Cullen were a real dude.
Phone Conversation between Edward and Bella. 2:46am
Edward: (away from the phone) Jasper just give the fucking shot to someone else, Bella is calling. (into phone) Hello?
Bella: Edward where the hell are you?
Edward: I'm out with Jasper and Emmett, like I said tonight when I left.
Bella: You said you'd be back by 12.
Edward: What does it matter? Why are you waiting up, so we can go to sleep together? Oh wait...
Bella: You are such an ass. You used to like watching me sleep.
Edward: When you slept, and you weren't putting out.
Bella: Charming, you are so drunk.
Edward: Are you being such a bitch cause I didn't invite your gay friend? Jason Brown or whatever? I said he could have one of my fakes. God knows I have gotten enough over the years. Just some of them are like 40 years expired. And you know... He's an Indian and I'm not.
Bella: It's Jacob, he's a Native American, and he's not gay.
Edward: Right, and the pope's protestant. No one grows their hair that long and dyes their teeth that white if they don't play for the other team.
Bella: Shut up Edward. You used to play piano, not sit around playing Halo all day. You used to care about me and Nessie.
Edward: 1.) I'm level 50, and one of the best Halo players in the world. You should be proud. 2.) And you used to be younger then me and smell like some kick-ass barbecue spare ribs, but you don't see me bitching.
Bella: (starts crying)
Edward: Yeah, go ahead cry, that's real mature. Jesus, what did you do slam a whole bottle of wine?
Bella: (sobbing) You can drink, so I can too.
Edward: Your supposed to be watching Nessie. Shit, we'll discuss this when I get home. Emmett's getting blacked out and he's totally gonna drink the blood of this girl who's totally busted.
Bella: I know what you are doing (hiccups). Reading the minds of those whores at the clubs just to get some ass. You cheating dick.
Edward: (away from phone) Jasper, I'm going to need you to calm her down when we get back. You know Alice and Rosalie don't pull this shit.
Bella: Fuck you, don't bother looking for me when you get back. I'll be at La Push.
Edward: Yeah, have fun straightening his hair. (hangs up)
Bouncer: 17, huh?
Edward: No, haha I was just playing.
Bouncer: Either way I see your body glitter in the strobes. That doesn't fly here. You're out.
Edward: (away from the phone) Jasper just give the fucking shot to someone else, Bella is calling. (into phone) Hello?
Bella: Edward where the hell are you?
Edward: I'm out with Jasper and Emmett, like I said tonight when I left.
Bella: You said you'd be back by 12.
Edward: What does it matter? Why are you waiting up, so we can go to sleep together? Oh wait...
Bella: You are such an ass. You used to like watching me sleep.
Edward: When you slept, and you weren't putting out.
Bella: Charming, you are so drunk.
Edward: Are you being such a bitch cause I didn't invite your gay friend? Jason Brown or whatever? I said he could have one of my fakes. God knows I have gotten enough over the years. Just some of them are like 40 years expired. And you know... He's an Indian and I'm not.
Bella: It's Jacob, he's a Native American, and he's not gay.
Edward: Right, and the pope's protestant. No one grows their hair that long and dyes their teeth that white if they don't play for the other team.
Bella: Shut up Edward. You used to play piano, not sit around playing Halo all day. You used to care about me and Nessie.
Edward: 1.) I'm level 50, and one of the best Halo players in the world. You should be proud. 2.) And you used to be younger then me and smell like some kick-ass barbecue spare ribs, but you don't see me bitching.
Bella: (starts crying)
Edward: Yeah, go ahead cry, that's real mature. Jesus, what did you do slam a whole bottle of wine?
Bella: (sobbing) You can drink, so I can too.
Edward: Your supposed to be watching Nessie. Shit, we'll discuss this when I get home. Emmett's getting blacked out and he's totally gonna drink the blood of this girl who's totally busted.
Bella: I know what you are doing (hiccups). Reading the minds of those whores at the clubs just to get some ass. You cheating dick.
Edward: (away from phone) Jasper, I'm going to need you to calm her down when we get back. You know Alice and Rosalie don't pull this shit.
Bella: Fuck you, don't bother looking for me when you get back. I'll be at La Push.
Edward: Yeah, have fun straightening his hair. (hangs up)
Bouncer: 17, huh?
Edward: No, haha I was just playing.
Bouncer: Either way I see your body glitter in the strobes. That doesn't fly here. You're out.
Swine Flu-A Poem by Sam Sheehan-Based on Twas The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Monday, a time for football,
We were sitting round the TV, from shortest to tall
Our picks had been made through Yahoo sports with great care
With hopes that Clinton Portis would perform better than fair.
The last thing we wanted was to go sleep in our beds,
With the promise of concussions to the players heads.
With Joe in his t-shirt and I in my cap,
I suddenly realized I felt like crap.
While they talked of which linesman was obviously fatter,
I ran to my bathroom to find out what was the matter.
I searched myself in the mirror for maybe a rash,
Maybe the hooker wasn't worth the No-STD cash.
I was shivering like a was standing outside in snow,
and I felt really out of it like I had done some blow.
As i realized it probably wasn't alchohol or beer,
I realized it may be CNN's greatest fear.
Since both Mike and I were feeling quite sick.
We went to the hospital and got there quite quick
They sat us in the waiting room and called us by name,
We waited 2 hours, which was really quite lame.
We got in the ER with other people who needed fixin'.
They put in rooms where our germs wouldn't be mixin'.
Mike, my good friend, was the first one to fall.
He was told he had swine flu by the doctor on call.
"While it's unlikely swine flu will cause you to die,
It will cause enough discomfort to make you cry"
When they told me what I has was also swine flu
I said "I heard you talking, I already knew"
We both had privately hoped there was a goof.
Hospitals diagnose swine flu to pay for their roof.
But alas it was true, there was nothing to be found,
Just sit in our rooms, recover, and mostly sit around
Now outside of our house, we aren't allowed to set foot,
We must wait for our friends to bring us some fruit.
Now I feel like someone who was addicted to smack,
who's going through withdrawal after they quit the crack.
The last thing I am now is jolly, happy, or merry.
Though, my Robutissin looks like it's made out cherry.
My stomach is tied up like a giant Christmas bow.
After eating my food that is brought to me by Joe.
Everything is achy including my teeth,
My skin feels like it's crawling, way down underneath.
Aside from the sore skin and my aching belly,
I'm denied contact with those whom I am friendly.
I suppose this is self pity I place on myself,
For the evil disease that fucked over my health.
So as I lay here in my disease ridden bed.
My I leave these thoughts instilled in your head.
Rhyming a poem to another is really hard work,
and swine flu sucks so don't spread it you jerk.
As I think to myself every time I blow my nose,
Swine flu fucks you up, from your ears to your toes.
As I'm here in quarantine, listening to the train station's whistles,
I'll poke you on facebook, then message you if that fizzles.
I leave you with this, before another sleepless night,
Taylor's video rocked, Kanye's not right.
We were sitting round the TV, from shortest to tall
Our picks had been made through Yahoo sports with great care
With hopes that Clinton Portis would perform better than fair.
The last thing we wanted was to go sleep in our beds,
With the promise of concussions to the players heads.
With Joe in his t-shirt and I in my cap,
I suddenly realized I felt like crap.
While they talked of which linesman was obviously fatter,
I ran to my bathroom to find out what was the matter.
I searched myself in the mirror for maybe a rash,
Maybe the hooker wasn't worth the No-STD cash.
I was shivering like a was standing outside in snow,
and I felt really out of it like I had done some blow.
As i realized it probably wasn't alchohol or beer,
I realized it may be CNN's greatest fear.
Since both Mike and I were feeling quite sick.
We went to the hospital and got there quite quick
They sat us in the waiting room and called us by name,
We waited 2 hours, which was really quite lame.
We got in the ER with other people who needed fixin'.
They put in rooms where our germs wouldn't be mixin'.
Mike, my good friend, was the first one to fall.
He was told he had swine flu by the doctor on call.
"While it's unlikely swine flu will cause you to die,
It will cause enough discomfort to make you cry"
When they told me what I has was also swine flu
I said "I heard you talking, I already knew"
We both had privately hoped there was a goof.
Hospitals diagnose swine flu to pay for their roof.
But alas it was true, there was nothing to be found,
Just sit in our rooms, recover, and mostly sit around
Now outside of our house, we aren't allowed to set foot,
We must wait for our friends to bring us some fruit.
Now I feel like someone who was addicted to smack,
who's going through withdrawal after they quit the crack.
The last thing I am now is jolly, happy, or merry.
Though, my Robutissin looks like it's made out cherry.
My stomach is tied up like a giant Christmas bow.
After eating my food that is brought to me by Joe.
Everything is achy including my teeth,
My skin feels like it's crawling, way down underneath.
Aside from the sore skin and my aching belly,
I'm denied contact with those whom I am friendly.
I suppose this is self pity I place on myself,
For the evil disease that fucked over my health.
So as I lay here in my disease ridden bed.
My I leave these thoughts instilled in your head.
Rhyming a poem to another is really hard work,
and swine flu sucks so don't spread it you jerk.
As I think to myself every time I blow my nose,
Swine flu fucks you up, from your ears to your toes.
As I'm here in quarantine, listening to the train station's whistles,
I'll poke you on facebook, then message you if that fizzles.
I leave you with this, before another sleepless night,
Taylor's video rocked, Kanye's not right.
I Single Handedly Write the Next Big Comedy
For the past two hours, as I packed myself up for my long journey home, I watched 40 Year Old Virgin which I thought I hadn't seen before, but it turns out I have. When it wrapped up, I started thinking about the comedic movie scene and tried to figure out how on Earth (as it's what I've always wanted to do with my life) I could possibly write something that funny. Then I started to look at some of my favorite comedies of the past two years and I began to see base sets and formulas for writing a successful comedic script.
First you need a story line. 90% of the comedies I love come from one of two groups of actors. There is the Will Ferrell set (Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, John C. Reilly, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson) and the Seth Rogen set (Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Bill Hader). These sometimes, but rarely, overlap (Stepbrothers). Even more rare is that a decent comedy comes out that doesn't contain one of these guys (The Hangover).
Upon closer inspection I've found that these groups have a set common theme for each of their movies. The Will Ferrell set formula is "protagonists have odd or strange occupation or hobby that is threatened in the movie by an antagonist and then resolved". These movies are characterized by humorous plays on exaggeration and heavy quotability. (Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Starsky and Hutch, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Stepbrothers.)
On the other hand the Seth Rogen set is "normal guys deal with a life trouble everyone eventually has and have a strange time while doing it" (Pineapple Express exception) Seth Rogen comedies are characterized by their unabashed, raunchy, dude talk and snappy dialogue combined with real-life elements that most people experience. (Superbad, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man.)
So let's make a movie! We'll go with the Seth Rogen set. So now we need a life trouble. Let's say the protagonist is fresh out of college and the movie is about his job search. Well, here is a selection from the script as Ryan (Jonah Hill and the protagonist) talks to his older brother (Seth Rogen) about the job search.
JOHN: How the hell could they not hire me? I went to Princeton, for fuck's sake. You know who went to Princeton? Fucking Woodrow Wilson, Ethan Cohen, even fucking Aaron Burr. Princeton blew Hamilton's head off his body and onto the ten.
MIKE: Did you wear those pants?
JOHN: Yeah
MIKE: Jesus, no wonder they didn't hire you.
JOHN: What's wrong with these pants? I got them at Men's Wearhouse.
MIKE: For one, It looks like you got them at a Men's Bathouse. They are the exact color of jizz.
JOHN: They are not the color of jizz. Jizz is a darker shade of cream.
MIKE: Have you ever seen jizz before? Do you even look into the tissue when your are done beating it?
JOHN: What? Why in fuck would I do that?
MIKE: What if something's wrong? What if there's blood in it or it comes out clear?
JOHN: Jesus!
MIKE: No bro, I'm serious. Checking the condition of your load is an important part of health. My friend Cal died of Ferringhopper's disease. Easy to deal with if they catch it early. But the only symptom is blood in the jizz. Strawberry cheesecake, is street name the doctors gave that symptom. Anyway if Cal had just taken a look inside the paper after flogging the dolphin, maybe he'd be here today. I thought I had it once. Turns out I was just a little hard on the old yogurt slinger.
JOHN: Well, until the high schools put out the "Your Jizz and You" informational videos for Health class I'm going to stick to the blind trial. And I doubt my pants being your shade of Jizz had anything to do with it.
I wrote it at three in the morning, so the jokes aren't the best. However, you get the point... Have a crazy job or hobby that you think might work as a movie? Try the Will Ferrell formula.
As you can see anyone can make a funny comedy. Come on America! Put your minds to it and write some funny movies.
First you need a story line. 90% of the comedies I love come from one of two groups of actors. There is the Will Ferrell set (Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, John C. Reilly, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson) and the Seth Rogen set (Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Bill Hader). These sometimes, but rarely, overlap (Stepbrothers). Even more rare is that a decent comedy comes out that doesn't contain one of these guys (The Hangover).
Upon closer inspection I've found that these groups have a set common theme for each of their movies. The Will Ferrell set formula is "protagonists have odd or strange occupation or hobby that is threatened in the movie by an antagonist and then resolved". These movies are characterized by humorous plays on exaggeration and heavy quotability. (Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Starsky and Hutch, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Stepbrothers.)
On the other hand the Seth Rogen set is "normal guys deal with a life trouble everyone eventually has and have a strange time while doing it" (Pineapple Express exception) Seth Rogen comedies are characterized by their unabashed, raunchy, dude talk and snappy dialogue combined with real-life elements that most people experience. (Superbad, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man.)
So let's make a movie! We'll go with the Seth Rogen set. So now we need a life trouble. Let's say the protagonist is fresh out of college and the movie is about his job search. Well, here is a selection from the script as Ryan (Jonah Hill and the protagonist) talks to his older brother (Seth Rogen) about the job search.
JOHN: How the hell could they not hire me? I went to Princeton, for fuck's sake. You know who went to Princeton? Fucking Woodrow Wilson, Ethan Cohen, even fucking Aaron Burr. Princeton blew Hamilton's head off his body and onto the ten.
MIKE: Did you wear those pants?
JOHN: Yeah
MIKE: Jesus, no wonder they didn't hire you.
JOHN: What's wrong with these pants? I got them at Men's Wearhouse.
MIKE: For one, It looks like you got them at a Men's Bathouse. They are the exact color of jizz.
JOHN: They are not the color of jizz. Jizz is a darker shade of cream.
MIKE: Have you ever seen jizz before? Do you even look into the tissue when your are done beating it?
JOHN: What? Why in fuck would I do that?
MIKE: What if something's wrong? What if there's blood in it or it comes out clear?
JOHN: Jesus!
MIKE: No bro, I'm serious. Checking the condition of your load is an important part of health. My friend Cal died of Ferringhopper's disease. Easy to deal with if they catch it early. But the only symptom is blood in the jizz. Strawberry cheesecake, is street name the doctors gave that symptom. Anyway if Cal had just taken a look inside the paper after flogging the dolphin, maybe he'd be here today. I thought I had it once. Turns out I was just a little hard on the old yogurt slinger.
JOHN: Well, until the high schools put out the "Your Jizz and You" informational videos for Health class I'm going to stick to the blind trial. And I doubt my pants being your shade of Jizz had anything to do with it.
I wrote it at three in the morning, so the jokes aren't the best. However, you get the point... Have a crazy job or hobby that you think might work as a movie? Try the Will Ferrell formula.
As you can see anyone can make a funny comedy. Come on America! Put your minds to it and write some funny movies.
Ipod content- a song is worth a thousand words... or one hundred and seventy three.
It's currently about 1:30 in the morning EST, and I'm having the worst time sleeping ever. What do I do? I go to the Ipod to see if there is anything in there that will soothe me into a peaceful slumber. While listening to Chris Martin sing about the Osaka sun, I realize that there is something to be said for people and what they have on their Ipod versus how you perceive them. If you went on a date with a girl and the first song she want to listen to during the ride over is David Banner's "Play", It's likely going to throw you for a loop. When given choice of musical selection, be it in the car, in a party situation, etc., you can usually tell a lot from them based on their selection. I've compiled a small list of what you can expect from the typical party situation.
Sugar Ray- Fuck yes, I grew up in the nineties!
Dave Matthews Band (to a lesser extent, Jack Johnson.) - This is such a sweet jam, pass me a brewski would you bro?
Death Cab for Cutie - I don't really know a lot about music, but I want to seem like I know my way about the indie music world.
Lady Gaga - I want to make bad decisions tonight.
Bob Marley - I want to find out who else in the room smokes.
Ratt - All of my musical taste comes from my dad.
Any Disney Song - I want everyone to sing a long except those who didn't have a childhood whom I want to feel awkward.
Dropkick Murphys - Who here is from Boston?
The Fray - I want you to ask me what I'm sad about.
Green Day (recent)- I want to talk about politics with someone. Let's see if I can goad any Republicans here into asking me why I put this on.
Sean Paul - I don't know the words to many songs, so I might as well put on something that no one knows the words to.
Akon - I've been stuck having to pick the next song at the party and need something to put on.
Fall Out Boy - I've just had a terrible lapse in judgement. Fall Out Boy is like masturbation. Only by yourself, and never talk about it.
Vengaboys - I want this night to turn into a middle school dance.
Coldplay - Hmmm, what's something everyone agrees on... Oh! Here we are.
Afroman - I want to know who is here to party and who isn't.
Haddaway - I need an obnoxious dance move that everyone here will recognize, but that other guy already did the dice roll from Knocked Up...
Journey - I want other people to sing with me.
Katy Perry - I need to counter the Lady Gaga that other person put on.
Boy Bands (Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, LFO) - I want to talk to this girl about how much we loved this song when we were little. Remember to work in that you liked it even though the other boys gave you a hard time.
The Dream - I am a Chris Brown fan who was devastated by his fall from grace. I'm letting this clown try to fill his shoes the best I can.
Basshunter - I want to get a dance party started.
My Chemical Romance - I want to get kicked out of this party.
Rhianna - I'm about 6 months behind the times.
Lonley Island - I think things are funnier for way longer than everyone else does.
Rick Astley - I'm an avid internet user and an asshole to boot. I trolled this party cause i'm 1337.
Moldy Peaches - I want to talk about Juno.
Jim Jones - Someone on the ruit table wanted a "good song to shoot to".
Nelly Furtado (early) - I'm a nice girl who loves the positive messages being provided to me by Ms. Furtado through her artistic music.
Nelly Furtado (late) - I'm down to get down. Getting me and drink and telling me you like the way I move will totally work.
Nickelback- I ate lead as a child. Like pounds of the stuff.
The Outthere Brothers - I need an excuse to go rub myself against that girl.
Taylor Swift (excluding Love Story, as that is actually known relatively well) - The boys here look like they are having too much fun. Let's make them feel a little awkward.
Crazy Town - I know and understand music and what people like to listen to.
The Killers - Hi, I'm Sam Sheehan and I'm the only person who will ever try to put on The Killers in a party situation.
Sugar Ray- Fuck yes, I grew up in the nineties!
Dave Matthews Band (to a lesser extent, Jack Johnson.) - This is such a sweet jam, pass me a brewski would you bro?
Death Cab for Cutie - I don't really know a lot about music, but I want to seem like I know my way about the indie music world.
Lady Gaga - I want to make bad decisions tonight.
Bob Marley - I want to find out who else in the room smokes.
Ratt - All of my musical taste comes from my dad.
Any Disney Song - I want everyone to sing a long except those who didn't have a childhood whom I want to feel awkward.
Dropkick Murphys - Who here is from Boston?
The Fray - I want you to ask me what I'm sad about.
Green Day (recent)- I want to talk about politics with someone. Let's see if I can goad any Republicans here into asking me why I put this on.
Sean Paul - I don't know the words to many songs, so I might as well put on something that no one knows the words to.
Akon - I've been stuck having to pick the next song at the party and need something to put on.
Fall Out Boy - I've just had a terrible lapse in judgement. Fall Out Boy is like masturbation. Only by yourself, and never talk about it.
Vengaboys - I want this night to turn into a middle school dance.
Coldplay - Hmmm, what's something everyone agrees on... Oh! Here we are.
Afroman - I want to know who is here to party and who isn't.
Haddaway - I need an obnoxious dance move that everyone here will recognize, but that other guy already did the dice roll from Knocked Up...
Journey - I want other people to sing with me.
Katy Perry - I need to counter the Lady Gaga that other person put on.
Boy Bands (Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, LFO) - I want to talk to this girl about how much we loved this song when we were little. Remember to work in that you liked it even though the other boys gave you a hard time.
The Dream - I am a Chris Brown fan who was devastated by his fall from grace. I'm letting this clown try to fill his shoes the best I can.
Basshunter - I want to get a dance party started.
My Chemical Romance - I want to get kicked out of this party.
Rhianna - I'm about 6 months behind the times.
Lonley Island - I think things are funnier for way longer than everyone else does.
Rick Astley - I'm an avid internet user and an asshole to boot. I trolled this party cause i'm 1337.
Moldy Peaches - I want to talk about Juno.
Jim Jones - Someone on the ruit table wanted a "good song to shoot to".
Nelly Furtado (early) - I'm a nice girl who loves the positive messages being provided to me by Ms. Furtado through her artistic music.
Nelly Furtado (late) - I'm down to get down. Getting me and drink and telling me you like the way I move will totally work.
Nickelback- I ate lead as a child. Like pounds of the stuff.
The Outthere Brothers - I need an excuse to go rub myself against that girl.
Taylor Swift (excluding Love Story, as that is actually known relatively well) - The boys here look like they are having too much fun. Let's make them feel a little awkward.
Crazy Town - I know and understand music and what people like to listen to.
The Killers - Hi, I'm Sam Sheehan and I'm the only person who will ever try to put on The Killers in a party situation.
You're Staying, Too!?! - A Guide to Summers in Providence
You've done it! Whether it be to take classes, perform research, work a job, sell drugs, or do absolutely nothing, you're staying in Providence for the summer! However, Providence is a very different place in the summer than it is during the school year. Luckily, if you were worried about these differences and how you could possibly deal with them, I've assembled a little guide to explain the differences and how to adjust.
1. High Schoolers - With summers at Colleges comes summer programs. With summer programs come high schoolers. Should you be approached by group of High Schoolers, put your head down, don't make eye contact, and avoid mentioning Entourage (guys) or One Tree Hill (girls). In a worst case scenario, they find out that you are a college student, and want to ask you some borderline retarded questions about school. (Do you buy the books for your classes? Are there boys in this school? When is the curfew? Are you allowed to drink alcohol here? Are there seasons here?). Simply remain calm, and don't strangle the little bastards to death. I've pioneered these foolproof ways to lose them.
(a) This is for guys to use. Tell them that they all seem really cool for high schoolers. Invite them to a house party and tell them to bring all the girls they know and not "too many dudes". Ask them if they know what rohypnol is. If someone correctly identifies it as roofies, tell them that it only does that to dudes and that girls can drink it with no effects. Anyone left listening to you after that, is batshit insane and you should run.
(b) For girls to use if this high schooler is a guy. Tell him how awesome it is to finally have someone to talk to. Launch into story where you tell him all about how you want to get married to a guy like him and give him details about the wedding ("I'm gonna have six maids of honor, but he can only have one best man."). Explain that you just got out of a relationship with a guy. Well, you guys weren't technically going out, but you could tell he wanted you. Let the high schooler know how stupid you think restraining orders are ("I mean I should be able to see who I want when I want, right?"). Explain how you mail this guy bits of your hair for him to remember you by. By now he should be making up an excuse to run far away from you.
(c) For girls to use on girls. Explain how cool you think these girls are and how you are so disappointed you can't find anyone who is that cool in college for you to talk to. Explain it's not that you are unpopular. It's just all these girls at school just don't get you. It helps to start hysterically crying right now. Let them know that you know they aren't like that. They'll never leave you alone. Try to make them promise that you guys will be best friends forever. When they do this, immediately switch to uncontrollable giggles. Ask for their number ("So we can text!"). They should be long gone. (Note: This can backfire horribly i.e. "Oh my god, it's like we are the same person!". So use at your own risk.)
2. Work - So tomorrow's a weekday. You can totally go out, right. Oh wait, unless you are taking classes for the summer, you have a job to get to. Unlike class, which is relatively easy to blow off and where it's rarely noted that you smell of sangria and bad decisions, when you work there are people who notice if you aren't there and chances are your boss knows the smell of Keystone and Karkoff. Research job? Try staring at a computer screen or microfilm projector hung over. It does loads for that headache and by loads I mean makes it feel like there is a small man pounding nails into the back of your retinas. This means either you reel it in or, if you love to party, you get great at concealing it. As everyone knows I like to party. So showers and teeth brushing are important. Even if you are late, don't skip these steps. Also, invest in a pair of sunglasses. Key for if you are doing research or have a job that involves a lot of glowing screen. If you stayed up late and are dragging hard (yawning etc.) explain that you are babysitting your small nephew. You love the little tyke, but golly does he keep you up with his crying.
3. House Parties = Win - Summer is a time for house parties. Most people are living in apartments and houses so they are no longer bound by the universities tyrannical vendetta against kegs. This guarantees plenty more alcohol. Early on, you may mistake these parties as a pre-game as they might be during the year. FALSE. You will be horrified to find a very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation that many of your favorite nightspots have undergone. Spats is now constantly dead, albeit that can be remedied if you bring a large enough crew. Liquid is now full of seedy townies who will, if given the opportunity, explain to you the difference between manslaughter and homicide ("See if I had meant to run the red light and hit him, it woulda been homicide. Since i didn't, I only got two years."). You'll realize seconds after walking into a deserted Fish Co. that everything is actually coated in fine "roofie dust". Marley's... well, it hasn't changed. No one goes during the summer, either. After making these foolhardy journeys, you'll realize you should have never left that party where everyone was gathered around reading the funny words on the side of the natty boxes. (Nataboy- What you hear when you bring natty to a party.) For these reasons,I suggesting designating one or more places to be "Late Night" as somewhere to go after the first party. This way, if you hear someone say, "We are going to bars!" you can shake your head knowingly. The fools.
4. OMAC Space - The other thing about summer is that everyone decides its a time for exercise. What does that mean for you? Quite simply it means the OMAC becomes a whirling clusterfuck of activity. While girls wait in 2 person deep lines for the elliptical, dudes participate in games of 8 on 8 basketball on the courts (there is a reason for 5 on 5 basketball). The track will be full of girls walking with their friends 5 abreast and tough guys screaming at you for being in their lane during their bad ass 20 meter sprint. You'll see kids playing hacky sack, try not to giggle at the dudes doing flips on the mats for absolutely no reason, and hear the gestapo-esque commands being barked out by the spin class instructor. The sensory overload will probably prove too much for you and make you break down and cry. Till you realize you can just go to a green or do something outside. Oh... Yeah...
Well there it is. So long as you can avoid statutory rape throughout the summer, you should be all set and know all you need to know about summers in Providence. Remember, what happens in Providence stays in Providence.
Except herpes. That shit will come back with you.
1. High Schoolers - With summers at Colleges comes summer programs. With summer programs come high schoolers. Should you be approached by group of High Schoolers, put your head down, don't make eye contact, and avoid mentioning Entourage (guys) or One Tree Hill (girls). In a worst case scenario, they find out that you are a college student, and want to ask you some borderline retarded questions about school. (Do you buy the books for your classes? Are there boys in this school? When is the curfew? Are you allowed to drink alcohol here? Are there seasons here?). Simply remain calm, and don't strangle the little bastards to death. I've pioneered these foolproof ways to lose them.
(a) This is for guys to use. Tell them that they all seem really cool for high schoolers. Invite them to a house party and tell them to bring all the girls they know and not "too many dudes". Ask them if they know what rohypnol is. If someone correctly identifies it as roofies, tell them that it only does that to dudes and that girls can drink it with no effects. Anyone left listening to you after that, is batshit insane and you should run.
(b) For girls to use if this high schooler is a guy. Tell him how awesome it is to finally have someone to talk to. Launch into story where you tell him all about how you want to get married to a guy like him and give him details about the wedding ("I'm gonna have six maids of honor, but he can only have one best man."). Explain that you just got out of a relationship with a guy. Well, you guys weren't technically going out, but you could tell he wanted you. Let the high schooler know how stupid you think restraining orders are ("I mean I should be able to see who I want when I want, right?"). Explain how you mail this guy bits of your hair for him to remember you by. By now he should be making up an excuse to run far away from you.
(c) For girls to use on girls. Explain how cool you think these girls are and how you are so disappointed you can't find anyone who is that cool in college for you to talk to. Explain it's not that you are unpopular. It's just all these girls at school just don't get you. It helps to start hysterically crying right now. Let them know that you know they aren't like that. They'll never leave you alone. Try to make them promise that you guys will be best friends forever. When they do this, immediately switch to uncontrollable giggles. Ask for their number ("So we can text!"). They should be long gone. (Note: This can backfire horribly i.e. "Oh my god, it's like we are the same person!". So use at your own risk.)
2. Work - So tomorrow's a weekday. You can totally go out, right. Oh wait, unless you are taking classes for the summer, you have a job to get to. Unlike class, which is relatively easy to blow off and where it's rarely noted that you smell of sangria and bad decisions, when you work there are people who notice if you aren't there and chances are your boss knows the smell of Keystone and Karkoff. Research job? Try staring at a computer screen or microfilm projector hung over. It does loads for that headache and by loads I mean makes it feel like there is a small man pounding nails into the back of your retinas. This means either you reel it in or, if you love to party, you get great at concealing it. As everyone knows I like to party. So showers and teeth brushing are important. Even if you are late, don't skip these steps. Also, invest in a pair of sunglasses. Key for if you are doing research or have a job that involves a lot of glowing screen. If you stayed up late and are dragging hard (yawning etc.) explain that you are babysitting your small nephew. You love the little tyke, but golly does he keep you up with his crying.
3. House Parties = Win - Summer is a time for house parties. Most people are living in apartments and houses so they are no longer bound by the universities tyrannical vendetta against kegs. This guarantees plenty more alcohol. Early on, you may mistake these parties as a pre-game as they might be during the year. FALSE. You will be horrified to find a very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation that many of your favorite nightspots have undergone. Spats is now constantly dead, albeit that can be remedied if you bring a large enough crew. Liquid is now full of seedy townies who will, if given the opportunity, explain to you the difference between manslaughter and homicide ("See if I had meant to run the red light and hit him, it woulda been homicide. Since i didn't, I only got two years."). You'll realize seconds after walking into a deserted Fish Co. that everything is actually coated in fine "roofie dust". Marley's... well, it hasn't changed. No one goes during the summer, either. After making these foolhardy journeys, you'll realize you should have never left that party where everyone was gathered around reading the funny words on the side of the natty boxes. (Nataboy- What you hear when you bring natty to a party.) For these reasons,I suggesting designating one or more places to be "Late Night" as somewhere to go after the first party. This way, if you hear someone say, "We are going to bars!" you can shake your head knowingly. The fools.
4. OMAC Space - The other thing about summer is that everyone decides its a time for exercise. What does that mean for you? Quite simply it means the OMAC becomes a whirling clusterfuck of activity. While girls wait in 2 person deep lines for the elliptical, dudes participate in games of 8 on 8 basketball on the courts (there is a reason for 5 on 5 basketball). The track will be full of girls walking with their friends 5 abreast and tough guys screaming at you for being in their lane during their bad ass 20 meter sprint. You'll see kids playing hacky sack, try not to giggle at the dudes doing flips on the mats for absolutely no reason, and hear the gestapo-esque commands being barked out by the spin class instructor. The sensory overload will probably prove too much for you and make you break down and cry. Till you realize you can just go to a green or do something outside. Oh... Yeah...
Well there it is. So long as you can avoid statutory rape throughout the summer, you should be all set and know all you need to know about summers in Providence. Remember, what happens in Providence stays in Providence.
Except herpes. That shit will come back with you.
My Early Literary Genius
I was recently perusing through a stack of my books when I came across something interesting. The year 2000's edition of Aroostook County's own Cat-Tales and Pussy Willows. Cat-Tales and Pussy Willows is a soft cover book with the literary work of middle schoolers all over the county. This book is sponsored by the Young Author's Association which has in place a contest to decide which stories make it. I was fortunate enough to be selected the winner from my competitive class of 13 kids in the 5th grade.
I reviewed my story to find a revolutionary tale of trust, companionship, danger, adventure, action, responsibility, and ethics. Here in its unabridged, Proust-esque original format, I give you that tale.
[Note: I will providing author's commentary in the brackets.]
The Beginning of the End?
The Present Day - Nov. 1st, 2025. The earth's core has been disrupted by the space weapon called "Operation Irritation". The weapon let loose energy that disrupted the earth's core 26 years ago today. The earth is due to blow up tomorrow, but the Alliance has built a time machine. They will send two of the Army's finest (Officer's Caleb and Rick) back in time 26 years to Iraq, because they suspect Saddam Hussein built "Operation Irritation". Caleb and Rick will have one day to disable "Operation Irritation", and our story begins...
[Right off the bat the reader is immersed in a land of mystery. HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUTURE! Apparently humanity is way stupider in the future cause after the earth's core got disrupted, we sat on our ass for 26 years. Like all things evil in 1999, sure enough, it was that bastard Saddam Hussein, though if I remember correctly Bowser from Mario was in the running for being responsible. The name of the dreaded space weapon also strikes terror into the heart. Operation Irritation, so it makes you really itchy or talks loud on an airplane. Looks like our aptly named heroes have their work cut out for them. Let's read on.]
"Are you sure this is it?" Caleb said, gazing through the binoculars.
"Positive," said Rick, looking at the armored base.
"Well let's get to work."
"HOLD IT!" yelled Rick. "You are forgetting the fact that we are unarmed, and there are guards all over the place, and there is a force field that can burn through any type of matter. Didn't you pay attention during the briefing?" Before Caleb could answer, three guards surrounded them and pointed their shotguns at them.
[As we learn from this section of the story. Our protagonists are retarded. Looking back on it, it was very mature and forward thinking of a young me to make retarded people the center of the story. Forest Gump had come out 5 years previously. They brought no guns and apparently have no plan through getting through this oddly futuristic force field that totally exists in 1999. Fuck bringing shit from the future, we'll just show up and wing it. The danger happens cause the guards have the most lethal weapons, SHOTGUNS! *GASP* How on Earth will they get out of this one?]
Caleb got ready to fight, but Rick whispered, "Wait until we're inside, then we'll escape." Sure enough, once they were inside the force field, they attacked. Caleb gave one guard a swift kick in the jaw that knocked him out. The guard fell on the other guard. That guard banged his head on the concrete and blacked out. The last guard was knocked out by a few or Rick's rabbit punches. After congratulating each other, they ran inside the building.
[The guards apparently have been taken from a James Bond movie and rather than killing them on the spot the guards take them exactly where they want to go and allow themselves to be overpowered by our 'special' heroes. Judging on how the second guard blacked out after hitting the floor, it's safe to assume that this facility is made of Bacardi 151 and Everclear. So I'm also not really sure what a rabbit punch is, but apparently they are bad-ass and totally fucked that third guard up. Also, our protagonists are very insecure and need to congratulate each other upon ever successful thing. I picture them slapping five in a very military manner.]
"It's huge," commented Caleb, staring at the huge space weapon known as "Operation Irritation". They found the control panel and deactivated the weapon.
Rick whispered in the communicator, "Mission accomplished. Send in the helicopters." Soon enough the helicopters blasted into the base and picked up Caleb and Rick
Sam Sheehan
Grade 5
Woodland Consolidated School
[If it were 7 years later Caleb would be walking right into a "That's what she said" joke. Also apparently this weapon was designed so if you deactivated it, you couldn't turn it back on. Stupid Iraqi engineers. Suck one Sayid! Also apparently, they had helicopters that could easily penetrate the force field at their beck and call. Fuck it, why use those when you can just wing it?]
Hopefully, you enjoyed this stunning piece of literature and are as indignant as me that it was shunned for the Pulitzer.
I reviewed my story to find a revolutionary tale of trust, companionship, danger, adventure, action, responsibility, and ethics. Here in its unabridged, Proust-esque original format, I give you that tale.
[Note: I will providing author's commentary in the brackets.]
The Beginning of the End?
The Present Day - Nov. 1st, 2025. The earth's core has been disrupted by the space weapon called "Operation Irritation". The weapon let loose energy that disrupted the earth's core 26 years ago today. The earth is due to blow up tomorrow, but the Alliance has built a time machine. They will send two of the Army's finest (Officer's Caleb and Rick) back in time 26 years to Iraq, because they suspect Saddam Hussein built "Operation Irritation". Caleb and Rick will have one day to disable "Operation Irritation", and our story begins...
[Right off the bat the reader is immersed in a land of mystery. HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUTURE! Apparently humanity is way stupider in the future cause after the earth's core got disrupted, we sat on our ass for 26 years. Like all things evil in 1999, sure enough, it was that bastard Saddam Hussein, though if I remember correctly Bowser from Mario was in the running for being responsible. The name of the dreaded space weapon also strikes terror into the heart. Operation Irritation, so it makes you really itchy or talks loud on an airplane. Looks like our aptly named heroes have their work cut out for them. Let's read on.]
"Are you sure this is it?" Caleb said, gazing through the binoculars.
"Positive," said Rick, looking at the armored base.
"Well let's get to work."
"HOLD IT!" yelled Rick. "You are forgetting the fact that we are unarmed, and there are guards all over the place, and there is a force field that can burn through any type of matter. Didn't you pay attention during the briefing?" Before Caleb could answer, three guards surrounded them and pointed their shotguns at them.
[As we learn from this section of the story. Our protagonists are retarded. Looking back on it, it was very mature and forward thinking of a young me to make retarded people the center of the story. Forest Gump had come out 5 years previously. They brought no guns and apparently have no plan through getting through this oddly futuristic force field that totally exists in 1999. Fuck bringing shit from the future, we'll just show up and wing it. The danger happens cause the guards have the most lethal weapons, SHOTGUNS! *GASP* How on Earth will they get out of this one?]
Caleb got ready to fight, but Rick whispered, "Wait until we're inside, then we'll escape." Sure enough, once they were inside the force field, they attacked. Caleb gave one guard a swift kick in the jaw that knocked him out. The guard fell on the other guard. That guard banged his head on the concrete and blacked out. The last guard was knocked out by a few or Rick's rabbit punches. After congratulating each other, they ran inside the building.
[The guards apparently have been taken from a James Bond movie and rather than killing them on the spot the guards take them exactly where they want to go and allow themselves to be overpowered by our 'special' heroes. Judging on how the second guard blacked out after hitting the floor, it's safe to assume that this facility is made of Bacardi 151 and Everclear. So I'm also not really sure what a rabbit punch is, but apparently they are bad-ass and totally fucked that third guard up. Also, our protagonists are very insecure and need to congratulate each other upon ever successful thing. I picture them slapping five in a very military manner.]
"It's huge," commented Caleb, staring at the huge space weapon known as "Operation Irritation". They found the control panel and deactivated the weapon.
Rick whispered in the communicator, "Mission accomplished. Send in the helicopters." Soon enough the helicopters blasted into the base and picked up Caleb and Rick
Sam Sheehan
Grade 5
Woodland Consolidated School
[If it were 7 years later Caleb would be walking right into a "That's what she said" joke. Also apparently this weapon was designed so if you deactivated it, you couldn't turn it back on. Stupid Iraqi engineers. Suck one Sayid! Also apparently, they had helicopters that could easily penetrate the force field at their beck and call. Fuck it, why use those when you can just wing it?]
Hopefully, you enjoyed this stunning piece of literature and are as indignant as me that it was shunned for the Pulitzer.
Five Types of Facebook Friends
On February 4, 2004 a website was launched by a young man named Mark Zuckerberg. The purpose of this website? To connect people through the internet. The name of the website?
Facebook.
Yes, we've all come to know and love facebook as that website you can use to stalk people in a more socially acceptable manner than going through their mail. Facebook is used to locate people and look at whatever they want people on the internet to see, such as what books they want people to think they like (most put "I don't read books"). The most important feature, however is that of the friend system. A friend is made on facebook when one person requests a friendship and the other agrees to it. Now these friendships can have five different meanings depending on the person. To help those of you not as savvy with facebook I will breakdown the five categories for you.
Class 1, The Top Friend: The Top Friends are friends you hang out with now a lot or used to hang out with a lot. When you talk to someone on facebook, chances are it's one of these people. They are the best. (Note: Make sure that all top friends are stored properly in the Top Friend application.)
Class 2, The Acquaintance: Fuck yes, we know each other. These people are likely friends with your top friends. You likely see this person at large gatherings, and make it a point to talk to one another and mention how you two should really hang out more (this rarely happens). After about 4 to 5 of these meetings within a 2 month period one of you happens across the other in facebook and says "Hey I know (him/her/that) we should be friends!". These people are excellent to send those pesky "send to twenty of these your friends" things to.
Class 3, The Facer: This person is always on facebook and lives for it like Chuck Norris lives for pain. They want everyone in their (high school/college/community/church group/cult) to be their facebook friend. You accept, but immediately regret when you get 30 updates that say "The Facer wants to see how alike you are." Be wary, for they will know when you are on and when you are not.
Class 4, Wall and App Girls: Now, let me clarify here. I'm not biased in any way... Ok I am, but these people tend to be girls so I'll stick with it. These girls have so many goddamn apps and they want you to be part of it. When you visit their page, you have to scroll for about 12 minutes before you reach their wall. They play Jetman and Scrabulous. They are a Knicks fan and a Lions fan and a Mariners fan, they have a super wall, they compare movies on flixter. The list goes on and on. After these girls trick you into friending them, you'll get pounded with App invites more than Ken Schrader got pounded with hate mail (Sorry, that's too obscure. He's the driver who crashed into Dale Earnhardt and killed him). If that's not enough, these girls use walls like they are the inbox and messaging systems. They write back and forth like four words at a time, rather than just use IM or something. Again once they have you as a friend they will try to suck you in by leaving "hooking" wall posts on your wall. Here is the wall to wall for one such victim.
"Hey."
(I mean, what to you say to that?) "Hey.... any particular reason you wrote 'hey' on my wall? Did I do something?"
"rofl, no, what r u doin?"
"Checking Facebook."
"coolz"
"yeah."
"Omg, u r so funny"
"Thanks(?)"
"We should hang out soon"
"Ok, yeah we should."
"Great!"
I think you get the picture. Before you friend, always check their wall and apps.
Class 5, Creepy McStalker: Before when you had a Xanga, this person's footprints where all over your pages. Now, in the more stealthy facebook, he can get back to doing what he does best, keeping tabs on you. He's got your interests memorized cold and he could recite your favorite quotes in his sleep. You regret friending him every day, and just wish he would go away. (Just like your douchebag friend from middle school!)
Hopefully you all go into facebook a little more educated about the do's and dont's. Remember, Class 5's are bad, unless you are one of them. Then it's cool. You're not obsessing. You just want to see if you like what she likes. Right? Right.....?
Facebook.
Yes, we've all come to know and love facebook as that website you can use to stalk people in a more socially acceptable manner than going through their mail. Facebook is used to locate people and look at whatever they want people on the internet to see, such as what books they want people to think they like (most put "I don't read books"). The most important feature, however is that of the friend system. A friend is made on facebook when one person requests a friendship and the other agrees to it. Now these friendships can have five different meanings depending on the person. To help those of you not as savvy with facebook I will breakdown the five categories for you.
Class 1, The Top Friend: The Top Friends are friends you hang out with now a lot or used to hang out with a lot. When you talk to someone on facebook, chances are it's one of these people. They are the best. (Note: Make sure that all top friends are stored properly in the Top Friend application.)
Class 2, The Acquaintance: Fuck yes, we know each other. These people are likely friends with your top friends. You likely see this person at large gatherings, and make it a point to talk to one another and mention how you two should really hang out more (this rarely happens). After about 4 to 5 of these meetings within a 2 month period one of you happens across the other in facebook and says "Hey I know (him/her/that) we should be friends!". These people are excellent to send those pesky "send to twenty of these your friends" things to.
Class 3, The Facer: This person is always on facebook and lives for it like Chuck Norris lives for pain. They want everyone in their (high school/college/community/c
Class 4, Wall and App Girls: Now, let me clarify here. I'm not biased in any way... Ok I am, but these people tend to be girls so I'll stick with it. These girls have so many goddamn apps and they want you to be part of it. When you visit their page, you have to scroll for about 12 minutes before you reach their wall. They play Jetman and Scrabulous. They are a Knicks fan and a Lions fan and a Mariners fan, they have a super wall, they compare movies on flixter. The list goes on and on. After these girls trick you into friending them, you'll get pounded with App invites more than Ken Schrader got pounded with hate mail (Sorry, that's too obscure. He's the driver who crashed into Dale Earnhardt and killed him). If that's not enough, these girls use walls like they are the inbox and messaging systems. They write back and forth like four words at a time, rather than just use IM or something. Again once they have you as a friend they will try to suck you in by leaving "hooking" wall posts on your wall. Here is the wall to wall for one such victim.
"Hey."
(I mean, what to you say to that?) "Hey.... any particular reason you wrote 'hey' on my wall? Did I do something?"
"rofl, no, what r u doin?"
"Checking Facebook."
"coolz"
"yeah."
"Omg, u r so funny"
"Thanks(?)"
"We should hang out soon"
"Ok, yeah we should."
"Great!"
I think you get the picture. Before you friend, always check their wall and apps.
Class 5, Creepy McStalker: Before when you had a Xanga, this person's footprints where all over your pages. Now, in the more stealthy facebook, he can get back to doing what he does best, keeping tabs on you. He's got your interests memorized cold and he could recite your favorite quotes in his sleep. You regret friending him every day, and just wish he would go away. (Just like your douchebag friend from middle school!)
Hopefully you all go into facebook a little more educated about the do's and dont's. Remember, Class 5's are bad, unless you are one of them. Then it's cool. You're not obsessing. You just want to see if you like what she likes. Right? Right.....?
If I were a Professor at a University
Pop Culture 0170 - Popular Entertainment
Midterm #2
Professor Sheehan
April 15, 2009
Multiple Choice and Short Answer (5 pts each)
1. You are facing a lvl 34 Graveler in Pokemon Blue. You are both down to your last pokemon, yours is a lvl 37 Magmar with full health but zero pp in any move. Fortunately, you have an Ether. Which of Magmar's four moves should you use the ether on?
A.) Flamethrower B.)Smog C.)Seismic Toss D.) Ember
2. Say you were a Spaniard seeking revenge on a six-fingered man for the death of your father. What would you say to him to convey your feelings to him? (Note: Answer should draw on Rob Reiner films)
3. According to Rick James, "cocaine is..."
A.) The Booger Sugar B.) a hell of a drug C.) Thizztastic D.) watch bitches do. Drop X.
4. What does Dumbldore cite as Professor Kettleburn's reason for retiring as Care of Magical Creatures Professor in Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban?
5.) According to the Smash Mouth Song "All-Star" The _____ beg to differ, judging from the whole in the satellite picture.
6.) In Episode 17 of Season 1 of Hey Arnold! Eugene is accused of pulling the fire alarm before being proven innocent by Arnold. Who really pulled the Fire Alarm?
5.) What is Louis's maiden name in Family Guy.
6.) Name the Six Sages from The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time and their respective element.
Bonus.) The seventh Sage?
7.) In the Nintendo 64 game Star Fox levels are beaten in a certain order. Complete this set.
Corneria,_______, Aquas,_______, Macbeth, Area 6, Venom
8.) What Ten Things does Kat Strafford say she hates in her poem?
9.) According to the Brandon Flowers of The Killers, this is turning saints into the sea.
10.) The three themed rooms at Dwight's Bed and Breakfast are Irrigation, America, and what?
11.) Which Video Game series is Buzzy Beetle from?
12.) This is what the T in T-Virus stands for.
13.) Robert Muldoon's last words in Jurassic Park.
14.) The name of the leech-like antagonists from Animorphs.
15.) The name of the Dharma Initiative station that Desmond Hume was forced to work in.
16.) In Orson Scott Card's book Ender's Game, Ender is poorly treated at the beginning of the novel because he is what?
17.) The only Rebel Alliance pilot to be actively involved in the attack on the Death Stars core both times.
Essay: 15 pts
1.) Compare and contrast The Joker from The Dark Knight or Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. Which do you think is a more terrifying entity? Why?
Bonus: Explain why JarJar Binks is the worst character ever created
Midterm #2
Professor Sheehan
April 15, 2009
Multiple Choice and Short Answer (5 pts each)
1. You are facing a lvl 34 Graveler in Pokemon Blue. You are both down to your last pokemon, yours is a lvl 37 Magmar with full health but zero pp in any move. Fortunately, you have an Ether. Which of Magmar's four moves should you use the ether on?
A.) Flamethrower B.)Smog C.)Seismic Toss D.) Ember
2. Say you were a Spaniard seeking revenge on a six-fingered man for the death of your father. What would you say to him to convey your feelings to him? (Note: Answer should draw on Rob Reiner films)
3. According to Rick James, "cocaine is..."
A.) The Booger Sugar B.) a hell of a drug C.) Thizztastic D.) watch bitches do. Drop X.
4. What does Dumbldore cite as Professor Kettleburn's reason for retiring as Care of Magical Creatures Professor in Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban?
5.) According to the Smash Mouth Song "All-Star" The _____ beg to differ, judging from the whole in the satellite picture.
6.) In Episode 17 of Season 1 of Hey Arnold! Eugene is accused of pulling the fire alarm before being proven innocent by Arnold. Who really pulled the Fire Alarm?
5.) What is Louis's maiden name in Family Guy.
6.) Name the Six Sages from The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time and their respective element.
Bonus.) The seventh Sage?
7.) In the Nintendo 64 game Star Fox levels are beaten in a certain order. Complete this set.
Corneria,_______, Aquas,_______, Macbeth, Area 6, Venom
8.) What Ten Things does Kat Strafford say she hates in her poem?
9.) According to the Brandon Flowers of The Killers, this is turning saints into the sea.
10.) The three themed rooms at Dwight's Bed and Breakfast are Irrigation, America, and what?
11.) Which Video Game series is Buzzy Beetle from?
12.) This is what the T in T-Virus stands for.
13.) Robert Muldoon's last words in Jurassic Park.
14.) The name of the leech-like antagonists from Animorphs.
15.) The name of the Dharma Initiative station that Desmond Hume was forced to work in.
16.) In Orson Scott Card's book Ender's Game, Ender is poorly treated at the beginning of the novel because he is what?
17.) The only Rebel Alliance pilot to be actively involved in the attack on the Death Stars core both times.
Essay: 15 pts
1.) Compare and contrast The Joker from The Dark Knight or Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. Which do you think is a more terrifying entity? Why?
Bonus: Explain why JarJar Binks is the worst character ever created
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