I'm beginning a series of podcasts where I provide a brief history and what you need to know about the NFL, MLB, and the NBA. This first episode is about football and how the last decade has been controlled by the Patriots, Colts, and Steelers, and how the Vikings and Saints could finally swing dominance in the direction of the NFC.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
First Podcast - Lost and World Cup Soccer
Behold, my first podcast! Please give it a listen. We talk Lost for the first 18 minutes, then switch over to soccer.
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Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sports Predictions: The Bolder. US Soccer, The Mets, and the NFC's Resurgance
So I've really gotten after the sports writer within me over the past few days. I figured how to do podcasts, so I've posted a couple of those when I really want to explain something or I just don't feel like writing. The first couple aren't wildly entertaining, (I 'um' and 'uhh' my way through the second one). But they are worth a listen if you have some time on your hands. The first one is about the world cup and the second one is about the NFL over the past 10 years. In the coming days, I'm going to do one for the NBA and MLB. But for now, I'd like to get back to my predictions I started a couple of posts ago. I think we are now on to...
Bolder
1. The U.S. World Cup Team will make it out of the group stage this year and win their Round of 16 game.
One of my biggest beefs with soccer is that no one in America gives a shit about it when we (a nation with the largest entertainment and sports bankrolls) clearly should. I mean, we don't care as Americans because corporate sponsors can't get as much ad time with soccer as they can with baseball or football. So of course, they have coverage of all but the most important games assassinated so Americans will stick to sports where we can get bombarded with commercial breaks. Sorry, did I say that my beef was that no one cares? I meant that we aren't given a chance to care. This is why Nascar is covered on ESPN and MLS and EPL are barely covered at all.
Nascar. When the advertising in commercial breaks just isn't enough.
But, I digress. I go into this more in my podcast where I beg fellow sports-lovers to watch the world cup. My other beef is how superior and pretentious established American soccer fans act. Looking down on people for not knowing that Didier Drogba plays for Chelsea turns people off of soccer and makes them want to stick to sports they already know. As an established soccer fan, we need to make things easier for people just getting into soccer and be patient with them. We can't treat them like someone who has never seen Lost before, but watches a later episode with you anyway.
"Why are they calling him Ben? Isn't his name Henry Gale? Is this Ben guy his twin? Oh my gosh! He shot that bald guy! Why did he do that? What are all those bodies in the hole with the bald guy? What's his name again? Why aren't you talking to me? Do we have any snacks? Why do you guys even watch this show anyway? Can we do something besides watch this? Who is that kid talking to the shot bald guy? Why are you ignoring me?"
Bolder
1. The U.S. World Cup Team will make it out of the group stage this year and win their Round of 16 game.
One of my biggest beefs with soccer is that no one in America gives a shit about it when we (a nation with the largest entertainment and sports bankrolls) clearly should. I mean, we don't care as Americans because corporate sponsors can't get as much ad time with soccer as they can with baseball or football. So of course, they have coverage of all but the most important games assassinated so Americans will stick to sports where we can get bombarded with commercial breaks. Sorry, did I say that my beef was that no one cares? I meant that we aren't given a chance to care. This is why Nascar is covered on ESPN and MLS and EPL are barely covered at all.
Nascar. When the advertising in commercial breaks just isn't enough."Why are they calling him Ben? Isn't his name Henry Gale? Is this Ben guy his twin? Oh my gosh! He shot that bald guy! Why did he do that? What are all those bodies in the hole with the bald guy? What's his name again? Why aren't you talking to me? Do we have any snacks? Why do you guys even watch this show anyway? Can we do something besides watch this? Who is that kid talking to the shot bald guy? Why are you ignoring me?"
I guess my whole point here is that I think the US team will do really well this year I want as many supporters as possible behind them. Landon Donovan looked masterful in the last friendly match against Turkey. Clint Dempsey is making good breaks and looks like he will have a great world cup. Oguchi Onyewu is back and should be good for some critical defense. Most importantly, the US looks to be working very well as a unit. Let's not forget that during the last world cup the only team that the champion Italians didn't beat was the US, whom they tied. I predict them to not only make it out of their group along with England, but to win their first round of 16 game. Which will likely be against a strong German team. Frankly, I think we match up well (they will be without star midfielder Michael Ballack) and I really hope that everyone will watch the US-England match, in particular.
Bottom Line: The US will likely tie or lose to England, but will beat Algeria, Slovenia, and their Round of 16 opponent. (Probably Germany.)
2. The New York Mets will make the playoffs this year.
On second thought, I really should have put this in the 'Boldest' section of my predictions. But I'm not going to. Why? Because it's my blog and I want to write this right now while I can remember how I'm justifying this prediction.
When one thinks of tortured teams in the past few years, it's hard to think of a team that underachieves or collapses more horrifically than the New York Mets. The Mets perpetually have one of the highest bankrolls in baseball, not to mention some of the best young talent, yet still find themselves doing things like blowing a 7 game division lead with 17 games to go. The Mets also have the misfortune of sharing a city with the most successful franchise of any major professional sport in the New York Yankees, whom have won a over a quarter of all the World Series ever played. As far as getting a fan base is concerned, this is like trying to get a date to the prom when your older sister looks like Scarlett Johansson and has a reputation for putting out.
The Mets prom date fan base bailed to get head from the Yankees at the drive in movie theater. The Mets decide to stay true to themselves from now on and not "slut it up" with things like "decent pitching" just to get fans.
Bottom Line: The US will likely tie or lose to England, but will beat Algeria, Slovenia, and their Round of 16 opponent. (Probably Germany.)
2. The New York Mets will make the playoffs this year.
On second thought, I really should have put this in the 'Boldest' section of my predictions. But I'm not going to. Why? Because it's my blog and I want to write this right now while I can remember how I'm justifying this prediction.
When one thinks of tortured teams in the past few years, it's hard to think of a team that underachieves or collapses more horrifically than the New York Mets. The Mets perpetually have one of the highest bankrolls in baseball, not to mention some of the best young talent, yet still find themselves doing things like blowing a 7 game division lead with 17 games to go. The Mets also have the misfortune of sharing a city with the most successful franchise of any major professional sport in the New York Yankees, whom have won a over a quarter of all the World Series ever played. As far as getting a fan base is concerned, this is like trying to get a date to the prom when your older sister looks like Scarlett Johansson and has a reputation for putting out.
The Mets prom date fan base bailed to get head from the Yankees at the drive in movie theater. The Mets decide to stay true to themselves from now on and not "slut it up" with things like "decent pitching" just to get fans.
With the Phillies recent success (A world series and two straight NL titles) and the emergence of the Braves and Nationals this year, the outlook is bleak for the Mets faithful.
And yet...
And yet, I can't shake the feeling that this Mets team has a trick up its sleeve. That this Mets team will somehow actually overachieve and grab a playoff spot. That despite the spotty pitching and tough division, this years Mets will actually reward their fan base instead of kicking them in the balls.
"Well that's great, Sam," you all must be saying, "but what evidence and reasoning do you have for this?" The answer is none whatsoever. Everything from statistics to history points to this Mets team finishing 3rd or 4th in their division, let alone having the necessary record to grab a Wild-Card spot. So this is a big leap of faith on gut instinct, but I just think that this Mets team is due. Once they talk Oliver Perez into returning to the minors, things should get better.
"Wait a minute, Sam. You already predicted that three of D.C.'s four major teams would make the playoffs. So unless you are counting on the Nationals to be the team that doesn't, that would mean that you are saying that the Nationals and Mets are both making the playoffs. That means... *GASP*"
...That I'm saying the Phillies won't make the playoffs. Looking at this again, this prediction really does belong in the 'Boldest' post I'm going to write. I guess if you see a prediction in the 'Boldest' section that you don't think is bold enough, you can switch it with this one. I'm not going to come out and say the Phillies won't make the playoffs, (After all, I have stand by that Roy Halladay is the pitcher of this generation and adding him to an NL champion team shouldn't equal "miss the playoffs") but I will say that I think that the NL East is a much tougher division than it was last year.
I do however stand by the fact that the Phanatic blows Mr. Met out of the water.
Bottom Line: The Mets redeem themselves by snagging a playoff berth this year. Mets fans briefly rally behind this before a terribly crushing NLDS loss.
3. The New York Jets are the only team that can stop the NFC Superbowl domination that is on the horizon.
If you took the hour to listen to my football podcast, you know that I am of the opinion that the last decade was one dominated by the AFC. More specifically, the Patriots, Colts, and Steelers and their struggle for the AFC title. With the exception of the Raiders loss to the Bucs (weak year for the AFC) and the Giants upset of the Patriots (the single biggest upset of the decade), the AFC has controlled the Lombardi Trophy. That was until the Saints marched into Miami and thrashed the favored Colts team 31-17. This came after a 13-3 regular season that saw the Saints embarrass the Patriots in a fashion that hadn't been seen in the Brady era and march to 4-0 interconference record against the tough AFC East. Likewise, the Vikings put up a 3-1 record against the AFC North, a division with three "over .500" teams.
What does this mean? This means the NFC teams, which are getting better, are about to take the reigns on this decade's titles. With Peyton's team now shattered by their Superbowl loss, (unless you are the Broncos, Vikings, or Bills, you don't get back to the Superbowl after losing it. Even if you do, you still lose again.) the Patriots mired by Bill Belichick's determination to try to win with players who belong in a retirement home, and the Roethlisberger raping (literally) the Steelers out of serious contention, the AFC is suddenly a shadow of itself.
And yet...
And yet, I can't shake the feeling that this Mets team has a trick up its sleeve. That this Mets team will somehow actually overachieve and grab a playoff spot. That despite the spotty pitching and tough division, this years Mets will actually reward their fan base instead of kicking them in the balls.
"Well that's great, Sam," you all must be saying, "but what evidence and reasoning do you have for this?" The answer is none whatsoever. Everything from statistics to history points to this Mets team finishing 3rd or 4th in their division, let alone having the necessary record to grab a Wild-Card spot. So this is a big leap of faith on gut instinct, but I just think that this Mets team is due. Once they talk Oliver Perez into returning to the minors, things should get better.
"Wait a minute, Sam. You already predicted that three of D.C.'s four major teams would make the playoffs. So unless you are counting on the Nationals to be the team that doesn't, that would mean that you are saying that the Nationals and Mets are both making the playoffs. That means... *GASP*"
...That I'm saying the Phillies won't make the playoffs. Looking at this again, this prediction really does belong in the 'Boldest' post I'm going to write. I guess if you see a prediction in the 'Boldest' section that you don't think is bold enough, you can switch it with this one. I'm not going to come out and say the Phillies won't make the playoffs, (After all, I have stand by that Roy Halladay is the pitcher of this generation and adding him to an NL champion team shouldn't equal "miss the playoffs") but I will say that I think that the NL East is a much tougher division than it was last year.
I do however stand by the fact that the Phanatic blows Mr. Met out of the water.
Bottom Line: The Mets redeem themselves by snagging a playoff berth this year. Mets fans briefly rally behind this before a terribly crushing NLDS loss.
3. The New York Jets are the only team that can stop the NFC Superbowl domination that is on the horizon.
If you took the hour to listen to my football podcast, you know that I am of the opinion that the last decade was one dominated by the AFC. More specifically, the Patriots, Colts, and Steelers and their struggle for the AFC title. With the exception of the Raiders loss to the Bucs (weak year for the AFC) and the Giants upset of the Patriots (the single biggest upset of the decade), the AFC has controlled the Lombardi Trophy. That was until the Saints marched into Miami and thrashed the favored Colts team 31-17. This came after a 13-3 regular season that saw the Saints embarrass the Patriots in a fashion that hadn't been seen in the Brady era and march to 4-0 interconference record against the tough AFC East. Likewise, the Vikings put up a 3-1 record against the AFC North, a division with three "over .500" teams.
What does this mean? This means the NFC teams, which are getting better, are about to take the reigns on this decade's titles. With Peyton's team now shattered by their Superbowl loss, (unless you are the Broncos, Vikings, or Bills, you don't get back to the Superbowl after losing it. Even if you do, you still lose again.) the Patriots mired by Bill Belichick's determination to try to win with players who belong in a retirement home, and the Roethlisberger raping (literally) the Steelers out of serious contention, the AFC is suddenly a shadow of itself.
Roethlisberger has already had to attend a behavioral evaluation after he ate his trainer at Sea World.
The Chargers have proven that they can't handle the clutch as a team. The Ravens are a combination of too old and too young. The Broncos were revealed as "pretenders" last year. The Bengals won't be good enough to get past the rest of the AFC teams I've mentioned. So who does that leave? The New York Jets.
Behold, AFC fans. Your knight in shining armor.
Behold, AFC fans. Your knight in shining armor.
As a Patriots fan, this is enormously hard for me to say, so bear with me. The Jets are simply the team with the most talent, the most playoff experience, and the can-do attitude to really be contenders. It starts with their defense and lock down passing defense headlined by Darrelle Revis. As history tells us in the NFL, defense win championships. The Jets have that defense. They were a young team last year, and are now a year matured. They grabbed experienced veterans like LT and Jason Taylor to balance out their youth. Now with talented (albeit troublesome) players like Antonio Cromartie and Santonio Holmes padding this already great team, it just seems like their time.
The Jets really are the only team I can see beating the Saints, Vikings, Cowboys, or whoever emerges on the NFC side of things. Though I'm reluctant to say Saints (I'm a believer in championship hangovers), I think they are too talented a team to fade into obscurity, particularly if they can sneak past the Vikings in that early match up. Brees and Payton will keep them focused, and I see a Saints-Jets match-up in the 2011 Superbowl. The question is, will the Saints establish the NFC as this decade's conference, or will the Jets defend the AFC tradition of the 2000s?
Bottom Line: The Jets will win the AFC this year and will play the Saints in a match up that is going to shape conference dominance for the next decade.
The Jets really are the only team I can see beating the Saints, Vikings, Cowboys, or whoever emerges on the NFC side of things. Though I'm reluctant to say Saints (I'm a believer in championship hangovers), I think they are too talented a team to fade into obscurity, particularly if they can sneak past the Vikings in that early match up. Brees and Payton will keep them focused, and I see a Saints-Jets match-up in the 2011 Superbowl. The question is, will the Saints establish the NFC as this decade's conference, or will the Jets defend the AFC tradition of the 2000s?
Bottom Line: The Jets will win the AFC this year and will play the Saints in a match up that is going to shape conference dominance for the next decade.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sports Predictions: The Bold. Evan Turner, D.C., and Lebron's Coach
I can't fucking help it. I have to write something. If anyone has ever actually read my blog before, you know that I focus on writing things that I think will amuse others. Occasionally, however, the rabid sports fan part of me requires that I pretend that people give a shit about what I have to say in the world of sports. (Example: my prediction posts during the NFL playoffs.) Though I will sometimes make these posts funny, a lot of times they are written with the intention of testing my knowledge and seeing just how well I know sports.After my shattered dream of becoming a househusband or my other dream (currently on life support) of pitching a hit tv show, writing sports for a living is third on my list. When that is taken into account, it makes sense that I would want to have an accurate sense of what is going on in professional sports and have the highest prediction rate possible. Though my Beat the Streak record and previous sports related posts suggest the contrary, (I maintain that since I had Saints the whole way, that wasn't a tremendous bust.) I still would like to think I do this well. After all, if I split 50-50 I'm doing a much better job than the average sports writer.
I've clustered my predictions into Bold, Bolder, and Boldest, which I'm sure is not only different coffee flavors, but some sort of Fabio-endorsed cologne. (It has bits of real panther in it, so you know it's good.) Obviously, as we drift upwards and closer to to the superlative, the predictions are going to become crazier. But bear with me, and by the end you might see that I predict a Coach of the Year Award for Stan Van Gundy.
**Bursts into hysterical laughter for five full minutes, before recomposing himself.**
But seriously, shit that will actually happen.
Real coaches don't look like porn star Ron Jeremy... Jesus, that was way too easy.
Bold
1. The City of Washington D.C is about to become relevant in sports again.
When I think of cities plagued with shitty sports luck, Murdacap is near the top of the list. Particularly in recent years, the city has had plenty to complain about. The disappointing seasons the Redskins have had, the famous 'gambling confrontation' that landed star Wizard Gilbert Arenas in trouble, the Nationals constant death spiral, and most painfully, the Capitals' first round implosion at the hands of the Canadiens this past month.
However, this to me seems like a city that's about to turn it around. The Redskins' acquisition of Donovan McNabb gives them something they've never really had in an honest-to-goodness Pro-Bowl caliber QB. I'm of the opinion that you need a good QB to win games, much less win the Super Bowl, (Panthers and Bears fans shake their heads and/or throw their computers across the room.) so this will immediately make them contenders in my mind.
How to not win a Superbowl.
The Wizards surprise draft lottery win will almost certainly result in John Wall coming to the capital, which may not seem like a big deal at first glance. However, think of young, playmaking, early picks in recent NBA years, and how they've performed when arriving at the crappy teams that drafted them. Rose and the Bulls. Jennings and the Bucks. Durant and the Thunder. Even, (to a certain extent) Curry and Warriors. With the poisonous, me-first Agent 0 out, the Wizards can focus on putting together a team around Wall, much like the Thunder have done with Kevin Durant.
When it comes to the Nationals, don't look now, but they actually have a winning record and are only four games behind the NL leading Phillies. Not to mention that they have one of the most exciting and talked about pitching prospects in recent memory coming to the bigs this June. Here you can say, "Well yeah, but how important is one pitcher to a team, really?" To that I would say, "Ask the now Halladay-less Toronto Blue Jays", who have three times as many empty seats per game now.
That leaves only the Caps, whom I believe learned a lot from the humbling that Montreal unloaded on them and will return next year locked in for a title. Ovie is the most exciting player since Gretzky, and they have too much experience and talent to not make a big run next year.
The Bottom Line Prediction:Of the four teams, three will have winning records in the next year and two will make the playoffs and win their first round match up.
2. Evan Turner will be the biggest draft bust this year.
I am going to write this little blurb of information assuming (like I did in the last post) that the Washington Wizards front office are not retarded and actually take John Wall with their pick. This means that the 76ers will probably take Evan Turner with their pick. Ohio State fans probably want to know why I am knocking on their players so much. (Oden had red flags, guys. One leg shorter than the other? COME ON!) The simple fact of the matter is, I don't think that Evan Turner is an athlete designed for the NBA.
He looks phenomenal on paper. Even better than Wall does. But to truly get a measure of Turner, you have to watch some of the games he played in. The guy just simply doesn't play well against big, strong guys. In the Georgia Tech game, (a big, long team) Turner was only able to catch fire after flopping and getting Georgia's big guys in foul trouble. Something the more consistent NBA referees will catch. Ohio State were bounced the very next game, when they ran into Tennessee, another big team. Given that Turner scored 31, but being sent to the line 9times and taking 23 shots, I would hope that he scored at least that much. (The entire rest of the team took 35 shots) You could make arguments both ways, but this comes down to gut feeling, and I can't shake the bad one I have associated with Evan Turner.
The Bottom Line Prediction: Turner will not only have the lowest shooting percentage of any of the other top four draftees, but will also be the only one not starting for his team three years from now.
3. Phil Jackson will end up coaching LeBron, probably in Chicago.
Now given that I am a big Celtics guy and I am going to harsh on the Lakers and anyone associated with them. It's hard to argue that Phil Jackson isn't one of the greatest coaches of all time. I don't think you can go to Wooden levels with him and I would argue that what Auerbach did as a coach was more impressive, but with what he has done with the Bulls and Lakers teams.... Well, you can't argue with results.
That being said, it's hard to argue when I make my point that he is the biggest primadonna that league has as far as coaches go. His feud with Kobe prevented the clearly loaded Lakers (arguably the most talented team in the history of the NBA) from building on the three championships that they started. Though, he came back and he coached the "new Lakers" to a championship, I believe his days in LA are numbered. With mutterings of the Lakers wanting Jackson to take a pay cut, I can't see Jackson staying in L.A., a city he doesn't think really appreciates him. As an elite coach, he is going to expect the money and appreciation that comes with that. No, I think if the Lakers don't repeat this year, Phil will leave.
And what better to draw him in than the player who draws so many comparisons to the great Micheal Jordan? Lebron is no Kobe. He is more coachable, team friendly, defensively able. (Kobe fans here go, "But that's not fair! Kobe is a scorer! That's what makes him great! And his team wins titles! Lebron's doesn't." Lebron plays with Mo Williams and Varajao. Kobe plays with Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum loosening up shots for him. Lebron still scores more. Nuff said.)
Lebron is the player of his generation, might be the most talented athlete to ever walk into his sport. I can almost hear PJ's boner ripping his pants in half at the thought of coaching Lebron. And with Chicago, a place where Phil knows he is loved, having the money, personnel (Derrick Rose could do a remarkable Scottie Pippen, I bet), and overall best chance to win for the two of them, it's easy to see the two of them going there. (Only Lebron's Ohio pride or fear of living in MJ's shadow could kill this move, and I don't think either are very likely.)
Bottom Line: If the Nets owner doesn't offer Jackson the most absurd deal of the century, (I can't see Lebron going there, even if the franchise is going to be Brooklyn, eventually) Jackson will be Lebron's coach next year. Cleveland and New York are possible, but Chicago makes the most sense.
As usual, my post is 5 times longer than I intended, so I'll put up the Bolder and Boldest predictions in subsequent posts.
To Be Continued...
How to predict sports better than ESPN Analysts.
Also, that's only counting team's win-loss predictions (I defend to the death that I have been saying Rajon Rondo is the most underrated player in the past 2 NBA seasons. It's fucking true. Ask Scott Friedlander. He'll tell you. He had to sit next to me during a Bulls-Celtics playoff game.) These past few days, as I've been desperately trying to formulate a plan to catch the attention of Bill Simmons (Put his name in every one of my Twitter posts?) and get him to make me his apprentice, I realized everyone is going to call 'bullshit' on me if I say things like "I knew Durant over Oden," and "I predicted the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup this year." (I like Boston sports, too, Bill. I also am a cross country runner, meaning I can fetch your vente two-cream one-sugar at least a minute faster than anyone else.) So I decided to make a list of sports predictions that I hold near and dear to my heart, to prove my sports worth.I correctly picked the underdog in the Little Mac-Tyson fight. I knew the new Nintendo controller with turbo would prove too much for the champ.
I've clustered my predictions into Bold, Bolder, and Boldest, which I'm sure is not only different coffee flavors, but some sort of Fabio-endorsed cologne. (It has bits of real panther in it, so you know it's good.) Obviously, as we drift upwards and closer to to the superlative, the predictions are going to become crazier. But bear with me, and by the end you might see that I predict a Coach of the Year Award for Stan Van Gundy.
**Bursts into hysterical laughter for five full minutes, before recomposing himself.**
But seriously, shit that will actually happen.
Real coaches don't look like porn star Ron Jeremy... Jesus, that was way too easy.1. The City of Washington D.C is about to become relevant in sports again.
When I think of cities plagued with shitty sports luck, Murdacap is near the top of the list. Particularly in recent years, the city has had plenty to complain about. The disappointing seasons the Redskins have had, the famous 'gambling confrontation' that landed star Wizard Gilbert Arenas in trouble, the Nationals constant death spiral, and most painfully, the Capitals' first round implosion at the hands of the Canadiens this past month.
However, this to me seems like a city that's about to turn it around. The Redskins' acquisition of Donovan McNabb gives them something they've never really had in an honest-to-goodness Pro-Bowl caliber QB. I'm of the opinion that you need a good QB to win games, much less win the Super Bowl, (Panthers and Bears fans shake their heads and/or throw their computers across the room.) so this will immediately make them contenders in my mind.
How to not win a Superbowl.When it comes to the Nationals, don't look now, but they actually have a winning record and are only four games behind the NL leading Phillies. Not to mention that they have one of the most exciting and talked about pitching prospects in recent memory coming to the bigs this June. Here you can say, "Well yeah, but how important is one pitcher to a team, really?" To that I would say, "Ask the now Halladay-less Toronto Blue Jays", who have three times as many empty seats per game now.
That leaves only the Caps, whom I believe learned a lot from the humbling that Montreal unloaded on them and will return next year locked in for a title. Ovie is the most exciting player since Gretzky, and they have too much experience and talent to not make a big run next year.
The Bottom Line Prediction:Of the four teams, three will have winning records in the next year and two will make the playoffs and win their first round match up.
2. Evan Turner will be the biggest draft bust this year.
I am going to write this little blurb of information assuming (like I did in the last post) that the Washington Wizards front office are not retarded and actually take John Wall with their pick. This means that the 76ers will probably take Evan Turner with their pick. Ohio State fans probably want to know why I am knocking on their players so much. (Oden had red flags, guys. One leg shorter than the other? COME ON!) The simple fact of the matter is, I don't think that Evan Turner is an athlete designed for the NBA.
He looks phenomenal on paper. Even better than Wall does. But to truly get a measure of Turner, you have to watch some of the games he played in. The guy just simply doesn't play well against big, strong guys. In the Georgia Tech game, (a big, long team) Turner was only able to catch fire after flopping and getting Georgia's big guys in foul trouble. Something the more consistent NBA referees will catch. Ohio State were bounced the very next game, when they ran into Tennessee, another big team. Given that Turner scored 31, but being sent to the line 9times and taking 23 shots, I would hope that he scored at least that much. (The entire rest of the team took 35 shots) You could make arguments both ways, but this comes down to gut feeling, and I can't shake the bad one I have associated with Evan Turner.
The Bottom Line Prediction: Turner will not only have the lowest shooting percentage of any of the other top four draftees, but will also be the only one not starting for his team three years from now.
3. Phil Jackson will end up coaching LeBron, probably in Chicago.
Now given that I am a big Celtics guy and I am going to harsh on the Lakers and anyone associated with them. It's hard to argue that Phil Jackson isn't one of the greatest coaches of all time. I don't think you can go to Wooden levels with him and I would argue that what Auerbach did as a coach was more impressive, but with what he has done with the Bulls and Lakers teams.... Well, you can't argue with results.
I can, however, argue with the fact that no basketball player has ever given me a bigger sex offender vibe.
Oh.......
Oh.......
That being said, it's hard to argue when I make my point that he is the biggest primadonna that league has as far as coaches go. His feud with Kobe prevented the clearly loaded Lakers (arguably the most talented team in the history of the NBA) from building on the three championships that they started. Though, he came back and he coached the "new Lakers" to a championship, I believe his days in LA are numbered. With mutterings of the Lakers wanting Jackson to take a pay cut, I can't see Jackson staying in L.A., a city he doesn't think really appreciates him. As an elite coach, he is going to expect the money and appreciation that comes with that. No, I think if the Lakers don't repeat this year, Phil will leave.
And what better to draw him in than the player who draws so many comparisons to the great Micheal Jordan? Lebron is no Kobe. He is more coachable, team friendly, defensively able. (Kobe fans here go, "But that's not fair! Kobe is a scorer! That's what makes him great! And his team wins titles! Lebron's doesn't." Lebron plays with Mo Williams and Varajao. Kobe plays with Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum loosening up shots for him. Lebron still scores more. Nuff said.)
Lebron is the player of his generation, might be the most talented athlete to ever walk into his sport. I can almost hear PJ's boner ripping his pants in half at the thought of coaching Lebron. And with Chicago, a place where Phil knows he is loved, having the money, personnel (Derrick Rose could do a remarkable Scottie Pippen, I bet), and overall best chance to win for the two of them, it's easy to see the two of them going there. (Only Lebron's Ohio pride or fear of living in MJ's shadow could kill this move, and I don't think either are very likely.)
Bottom Line: If the Nets owner doesn't offer Jackson the most absurd deal of the century, (I can't see Lebron going there, even if the franchise is going to be Brooklyn, eventually) Jackson will be Lebron's coach next year. Cleveland and New York are possible, but Chicago makes the most sense.
As usual, my post is 5 times longer than I intended, so I'll put up the Bolder and Boldest predictions in subsequent posts.
To Be Continued...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Academy Awards Circle Jerk.
As you may or may not know, the giant circle jerk of the motion picture industry known as the Academy Awards is coming up. If you don't know what they are, allow me to explain. Every year the people in charge of what goes on the silver screens get together to offer each other awards and tell each other how wonderful they are. It's important that these actors and movie makers receive the credit they deserve as they do so much for our country as a whole and rarely receive any sort of attention. In all seriousness, this is the only awards ceremony for the movie industry, so I guess it's not that selfish or narcissistic.
Oh yeah, but those totally don't count...
There is also a mystique to these awards. A feeling that these people who are winning them are actually the-second-coming of Jesus and will deliver us from our sins. Winning one seems to signify that these lucky recipients have truly arrived, and can now do whatever the fuck they want. Don't believe me? Ok, well here is Adrien Brody...
"Yes, I am an ugly John Cusack."
Not the best looking dude in the world, it's fair to say. He probably will go through his life only hoping that someday he will be able to hold hands with a girl and not have her be totally repulsed. Well, sorry Adrien, but you seem doomed to being a giant, ugly loser forev....
WHAAAAAAA--------
To be fair, since I am writing about these awards, I am totally buying into it on a level, so I suppose the hypocrisy meter is off the charts right now. In a counterpoint though, I would probably do a write up on the Garbagemen Yearly Awards (GYAs) were they televised and hyped anywhere near as much.
Due to infringement issues with another well known award, the GYAs are often called the Oscar2's.
Every year people all over the country tune in to watch these awards, usually betting on who will win what and making drinking games out of the amount of times someone cries while accepting their awards (Halle Berry=Shitfaced). While gambling and drinking make the Academy Awards more enjoyable, there is a certain appeal to them on their own. As much as I hate to admit it, the Academy Awards are some of the most accessible awards for the simple reason that the only thing you need to do in order to be educated on the subject is to watch movies. As Americans, we have wasting time on entertainment down to a science, so to contribute analysis about something that requires that we just sit there and enable two of our senses is a dream come true.Due to infringement issues with another well known award, the GYAs are often called the Oscar2's.
There is also a mystique to these awards. A feeling that these people who are winning them are actually the-second-coming of Jesus and will deliver us from our sins. Winning one seems to signify that these lucky recipients have truly arrived, and can now do whatever the fuck they want. Don't believe me? Ok, well here is Adrien Brody...
"Yes, I am an ugly John Cusack."
Not the best looking dude in the world, it's fair to say. He probably will go through his life only hoping that someday he will be able to hold hands with a girl and not have her be totally repulsed. Well, sorry Adrien, but you seem doomed to being a giant, ugly loser forev....
WHAAAAAAA--------That's right. Seconds after winning an Academy Award, Adrien Brody, not only made out with Halle Berry in front of America, but successfully avoided any legal issues that you think would come of just grabbing someone and making out with them. Did I mention that that is Halle Berry he is making out with? Oh I did? Ok.
While I loathe the grandstanding and self-importance that this event stands for, I can't help but be suckered into all of the hype surrounding it for the simple reason that I love putting my own two cents in, and I love movies. So yes, I am going to bitch about how stupid it is that we buy into this shit and then write multiple posts about it. Hypocrisy is my name. Fucking deal with it.
For a long time now, I've kept an eye on the Academy Awards whenever they roll around. If not for any other reason then to become indignant when things don't go the way I think they should. For example, Christopher Nolan not even receiving a nomination for Best Director with The Dark Knight (Comic book movie, ok. You can get away with snubbing it for best picture, but the fact is Nolan immersed me so much in that world that I didn't even notice how retardedly complex and impractical the Joker's plans were) or how offensive it is that Daniel Day Lewis and Sean Penn have the same number of Oscars.
The directors vetoed Penn's demand that the title be, "Oscar Please?"
This year however, I've decided to get more involved, as this year is the first year that the Acedemy has allowed for ten nominees for best picture as opposed to the usual five. This piqued my interest, after all a more open field should, in theory, make for better competition and hamper the politically bullshit aspect of the awards going to "who should get it" rather than who deserves it. So, I really made a concentrated effort to see all of the Best Picture noms in an attempt to be educated for this Saturday.
Because I live in Caribou, and therefore have limited access to movies beyond the sophistication of The Tooth Fairy, I have only been able to see seven of the ten nominees. Precious, An Education, and The Blind Side still evade my viewing pleasure, so I am currently unable to act incredulous that Mo'nique won the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe over Anna Kendrick. However, for my next few posts, I will be writing up the various Best Picture nominees and giving my own take on them and ranking which ones are really the best in my opinion. Who knows? I might actually manage to swing a viewing of one of my three unviewed noms while I'm at it. Any opinion on which one I should watch first, Gollum?
"Thinks it should watch The Blind Side, I does"
While I loathe the grandstanding and self-importance that this event stands for, I can't help but be suckered into all of the hype surrounding it for the simple reason that I love putting my own two cents in, and I love movies. So yes, I am going to bitch about how stupid it is that we buy into this shit and then write multiple posts about it. Hypocrisy is my name. Fucking deal with it.
For a long time now, I've kept an eye on the Academy Awards whenever they roll around. If not for any other reason then to become indignant when things don't go the way I think they should. For example, Christopher Nolan not even receiving a nomination for Best Director with The Dark Knight (Comic book movie, ok. You can get away with snubbing it for best picture, but the fact is Nolan immersed me so much in that world that I didn't even notice how retardedly complex and impractical the Joker's plans were) or how offensive it is that Daniel Day Lewis and Sean Penn have the same number of Oscars.
The directors vetoed Penn's demand that the title be, "Oscar Please?"
This year however, I've decided to get more involved, as this year is the first year that the Acedemy has allowed for ten nominees for best picture as opposed to the usual five. This piqued my interest, after all a more open field should, in theory, make for better competition and hamper the politically bullshit aspect of the awards going to "who should get it" rather than who deserves it. So, I really made a concentrated effort to see all of the Best Picture noms in an attempt to be educated for this Saturday.
Because I live in Caribou, and therefore have limited access to movies beyond the sophistication of The Tooth Fairy, I have only been able to see seven of the ten nominees. Precious, An Education, and The Blind Side still evade my viewing pleasure, so I am currently unable to act incredulous that Mo'nique won the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe over Anna Kendrick. However, for my next few posts, I will be writing up the various Best Picture nominees and giving my own take on them and ranking which ones are really the best in my opinion. Who knows? I might actually manage to swing a viewing of one of my three unviewed noms while I'm at it. Any opinion on which one I should watch first, Gollum?
"Thinks it should watch The Blind Side, I does"Well, I'm not going to lie. That's not at all the answer I expected.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A Little Sports Talk- Super Sunday
Well, it's finally here. The day advertisers drool over. The day Lions players souls get crushed twice as hard. The day when the sports talking heads stroke their quarterback convictions and opinions on playmakers until they are on the verge of orgasm. It is Super Sunday.
Unlike the last few years, upstart underdogs are absent from this years title bout, with the two obvious favorites in their respective conferences going head to head. 13 games into the season, both the Saints and Colts were undefeated. It's quite rare for two teams to go so deep without a loss and it's no surprise that these teams are now going at it. It's a marquee matchup that is forcing offensive-minded analysts to tuck their boners into their waistbands to hide their throbbing erections for Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, and both teams' terrific airshows.
Fan Take
Some of you may notice that there wasn't a Jets-Colts preview two weeks ago. That was because I literally could not bring myself to write up that game. Outside of a Colts-Steelers matchup it was the perfect nightmare AFC Championship game for a Pats fan. With the hated Colts playing a seemingly revived Jets team that threatens our lock on the AFC East, it was basically a lose-lose for me. I will say, however, that I did pick the Jets as they seemed a phenomenal upset team, and I doubt I will ever hate the Jets as I hate the Colts. Again I lost, bringing my playoff picks to a shocking 2-8 and making the only correct wins I predicted those executed by the Saints.
For me this is a obvious choice. The Saints, who are more America's team than the Cowboys who claim to hold that title, represent a close bond with fans in a city that was devastated in every sense of the word. There are a myriad of feel good stories involved with their rise to championship contenders, most notably Drew Brees's arrival and the seemingly interwoven elevation of his game and Saints rise to greatness. The Saints are the obvious good guys representing hope for their city and an inhuman level of perseverance.
On the other hand we have the Colts. As, a Pats fan, I will obviously color this in a light that is unflattering to the Colts organization. Biases aside, the Colts are quickly assembling a level of infamy to rival our Patriots's title as the most hated team in football. Allegations of canning crowd noise into their home dome to confuse the offense bring up reminders of the supposed Spygate accusations (*cough* false).
However, Peyton Manning has come to represent the everyman success story vs. Tom Brady's superstardom. I am finally come around to the fact that he is the very definition of respect and is always the first to blame himself for Colts problems. He is never selfish and always makes the call to run when the passing game isn't working. His focus is superhuman, also. During the football season you will never see Peyon Manning doing anything to disrupt his focus or make cheap money. Most importantly, he is obviously the most deserving player of the MVP every year he has won it, particularly this year. After all, when you have the same numbers as a guy who pushed his team to it's first winning season in the history of the franchise while being sacked two and half times as much (reads two and half times less protection) you are clearly being awarded it with clarity on behalf of the sportswriters, rather than a laziness to assume that since a team has the best record it's qb is the mvp.
"This game is all about focus and determination. That's why I focus on Sprint's OUTRAGOUSLY low rates!"
I know my fellow Pats fans will try to write this off as a lost sb. We have remarkably long memories and are very proud fans. So the Saints' disassembling of us, inspired a dislike that became associated with the Saints. Not that we dislike the Saints, but dislike the feeling of being so utterly crushed, and we had not felt in quite some time. The Ravens were kind enough to remind us later in the postseason.
But I implore you. Think of the Colts. The ref dicksucking in our game with them this year that manifested itself in a terrible ballspot. The 2006 AFC Championship game. Every time the announcers write off Peyton screaming at receivers as "being a great leader". Really? Are the Saints beating us once to merit any sort of dislike remotely close to level that we feel for the Colts? The Superdome=the location of our first SB victory. I think we know who the clear enemy is here. As I see it, this is a battle of good and evil. The New Orleans Saints are the only thing standing between the Colts and Steelers having more Superbowl wins in my lifetime than the Patriots. So this evening I will be saying "WHO DAT?"
Real Talk
If I didn't hate the Colts so much and have such a respect for the Saints, I might be able to take a step back to admire the fact that this will likely be the highest scoring superbowl for years to come. Hatreds aside, Peyton Manning will likely go down as the greatest qb of all time and his matchup against another arguably Hall Of Fame caliber qb in Brees is something that is very exciting. Just like last week's NFC championship, the name of the game this week is which team will make less mistakes. And honestly, I think that's the Saints. They will need to play better than last week. That much is apparent. However, the Saints have had a kind of perfect postseason to setup a title bout of these proportions. With a blowout victory against the Cards to inspire confidence and a poorly played nail-biter against the Vikings to understand what doesn't work and get shitty play out of their system, the postseason has been a mirror image of their season of both inspired play and humbling experiences. Let's look at the matchups.
Saints O vs. Colts D- You can hardly watch three seconds of ESPN these days without hearing about Dwight Freeney and his ankle. And yes, he and Robert Mathis are two of the greatest D-ends in the league, especially when it comes to pass rushing. But now I'm going to explain why that doesn't matter. Last week the Saints offensive line made the most potent defensive line in the NFL a non-factor. Like the Colts OL, these guys are some of the best ever. No, the real issue here is the troubles that Brees had last week throwing the ball. The Saints will need the guy who played against the Cardinals to show up tonight, rather than the stagnant bum who tossed at the ground for the duration of the Vikings game. I think that last week was an anomaly and he'll be his awesome self again tonight. The Colts D really stand no shot if this happens, given the balanced running attack of visionary Reggie Bush and muscle-man Pierre Thomas. If the Saints are under 28 points at the end of the game. The Colts have done a phenomenal job.
Saints D vs. Colts O- Every week this postseason, NFL experts write off the Saints D as a unit that gives up tons of points and is really a non-factor. Gives up points? Maybe. Non-factor? Definitely not. As some dashing blogger and football enthusiast is quick to point out, the Saints were masters of creating the turnovers in the regular season, and as that same blogger correctly predicted, the story has been the same in the postseason. The Saints have created the most turnover of any team this postseason with 7 (next closest are the Jets, who played 3 games, and Ravens with 5). This defense almost-singlehandly won the NFC for the Saints and is the most underrated defense I have ever come across. That being said, they face a whole nother level of offense in the Colts. The best offensive line in the league is going to give Peyton time and when he has that, there isn't a lot you can do. Even though the Colts' run game is inferior to the Saints', Peyton Manning is the model for consistency in the NFL and this offense hasn't missed a beat all year. Unlike the Vikings, the Colts won't be making a plethora of mistakes, so the Saint's need to capitalize on any that are made. Really, I don't see the Colts messing up that much and I expect them to march for most of the game on the Saints D. The key will be the Saints D hanging in there and pouncing on any Colts miscues.
The Bottom Line:
This is the most even matchup of the postseason and it's only fitting that it is the Superbowl. These teams are mirrors of each other and it will be a nailbiter. Although the Colts passing game is slightly better, I think the Saints superior run game and defense will tip the scales in NOLA's favor.
Saints by 3. WHO DAT?
Unlike the last few years, upstart underdogs are absent from this years title bout, with the two obvious favorites in their respective conferences going head to head. 13 games into the season, both the Saints and Colts were undefeated. It's quite rare for two teams to go so deep without a loss and it's no surprise that these teams are now going at it. It's a marquee matchup that is forcing offensive-minded analysts to tuck their boners into their waistbands to hide their throbbing erections for Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, and both teams' terrific airshows.
Fan Take
Some of you may notice that there wasn't a Jets-Colts preview two weeks ago. That was because I literally could not bring myself to write up that game. Outside of a Colts-Steelers matchup it was the perfect nightmare AFC Championship game for a Pats fan. With the hated Colts playing a seemingly revived Jets team that threatens our lock on the AFC East, it was basically a lose-lose for me. I will say, however, that I did pick the Jets as they seemed a phenomenal upset team, and I doubt I will ever hate the Jets as I hate the Colts. Again I lost, bringing my playoff picks to a shocking 2-8 and making the only correct wins I predicted those executed by the Saints.
For me this is a obvious choice. The Saints, who are more America's team than the Cowboys who claim to hold that title, represent a close bond with fans in a city that was devastated in every sense of the word. There are a myriad of feel good stories involved with their rise to championship contenders, most notably Drew Brees's arrival and the seemingly interwoven elevation of his game and Saints rise to greatness. The Saints are the obvious good guys representing hope for their city and an inhuman level of perseverance.
On the other hand we have the Colts. As, a Pats fan, I will obviously color this in a light that is unflattering to the Colts organization. Biases aside, the Colts are quickly assembling a level of infamy to rival our Patriots's title as the most hated team in football. Allegations of canning crowd noise into their home dome to confuse the offense bring up reminders of the supposed Spygate accusations (*cough* false).
However, Peyton Manning has come to represent the everyman success story vs. Tom Brady's superstardom. I am finally come around to the fact that he is the very definition of respect and is always the first to blame himself for Colts problems. He is never selfish and always makes the call to run when the passing game isn't working. His focus is superhuman, also. During the football season you will never see Peyon Manning doing anything to disrupt his focus or make cheap money. Most importantly, he is obviously the most deserving player of the MVP every year he has won it, particularly this year. After all, when you have the same numbers as a guy who pushed his team to it's first winning season in the history of the franchise while being sacked two and half times as much (reads two and half times less protection) you are clearly being awarded it with clarity on behalf of the sportswriters, rather than a laziness to assume that since a team has the best record it's qb is the mvp.
"This game is all about focus and determination. That's why I focus on Sprint's OUTRAGOUSLY low rates!"I know my fellow Pats fans will try to write this off as a lost sb. We have remarkably long memories and are very proud fans. So the Saints' disassembling of us, inspired a dislike that became associated with the Saints. Not that we dislike the Saints, but dislike the feeling of being so utterly crushed, and we had not felt in quite some time. The Ravens were kind enough to remind us later in the postseason.
But I implore you. Think of the Colts. The ref dicksucking in our game with them this year that manifested itself in a terrible ballspot. The 2006 AFC Championship game. Every time the announcers write off Peyton screaming at receivers as "being a great leader". Really? Are the Saints beating us once to merit any sort of dislike remotely close to level that we feel for the Colts? The Superdome=the location of our first SB victory. I think we know who the clear enemy is here. As I see it, this is a battle of good and evil. The New Orleans Saints are the only thing standing between the Colts and Steelers having more Superbowl wins in my lifetime than the Patriots. So this evening I will be saying "WHO DAT?"
Real Talk
If I didn't hate the Colts so much and have such a respect for the Saints, I might be able to take a step back to admire the fact that this will likely be the highest scoring superbowl for years to come. Hatreds aside, Peyton Manning will likely go down as the greatest qb of all time and his matchup against another arguably Hall Of Fame caliber qb in Brees is something that is very exciting. Just like last week's NFC championship, the name of the game this week is which team will make less mistakes. And honestly, I think that's the Saints. They will need to play better than last week. That much is apparent. However, the Saints have had a kind of perfect postseason to setup a title bout of these proportions. With a blowout victory against the Cards to inspire confidence and a poorly played nail-biter against the Vikings to understand what doesn't work and get shitty play out of their system, the postseason has been a mirror image of their season of both inspired play and humbling experiences. Let's look at the matchups.
Saints O vs. Colts D- You can hardly watch three seconds of ESPN these days without hearing about Dwight Freeney and his ankle. And yes, he and Robert Mathis are two of the greatest D-ends in the league, especially when it comes to pass rushing. But now I'm going to explain why that doesn't matter. Last week the Saints offensive line made the most potent defensive line in the NFL a non-factor. Like the Colts OL, these guys are some of the best ever. No, the real issue here is the troubles that Brees had last week throwing the ball. The Saints will need the guy who played against the Cardinals to show up tonight, rather than the stagnant bum who tossed at the ground for the duration of the Vikings game. I think that last week was an anomaly and he'll be his awesome self again tonight. The Colts D really stand no shot if this happens, given the balanced running attack of visionary Reggie Bush and muscle-man Pierre Thomas. If the Saints are under 28 points at the end of the game. The Colts have done a phenomenal job.
Saints D vs. Colts O- Every week this postseason, NFL experts write off the Saints D as a unit that gives up tons of points and is really a non-factor. Gives up points? Maybe. Non-factor? Definitely not. As some dashing blogger and football enthusiast is quick to point out, the Saints were masters of creating the turnovers in the regular season, and as that same blogger correctly predicted, the story has been the same in the postseason. The Saints have created the most turnover of any team this postseason with 7 (next closest are the Jets, who played 3 games, and Ravens with 5). This defense almost-singlehandly won the NFC for the Saints and is the most underrated defense I have ever come across. That being said, they face a whole nother level of offense in the Colts. The best offensive line in the league is going to give Peyton time and when he has that, there isn't a lot you can do. Even though the Colts' run game is inferior to the Saints', Peyton Manning is the model for consistency in the NFL and this offense hasn't missed a beat all year. Unlike the Vikings, the Colts won't be making a plethora of mistakes, so the Saint's need to capitalize on any that are made. Really, I don't see the Colts messing up that much and I expect them to march for most of the game on the Saints D. The key will be the Saints D hanging in there and pouncing on any Colts miscues.
The Bottom Line:
This is the most even matchup of the postseason and it's only fitting that it is the Superbowl. These teams are mirrors of each other and it will be a nailbiter. Although the Colts passing game is slightly better, I think the Saints superior run game and defense will tip the scales in NOLA's favor.
Saints by 3. WHO DAT?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Little Sports Talk- Saints Vikings Preview
At the time I am writing this, I am 1-7 in predicting postseason games. Football has been a cruel mistress and this has served to remind me why I have never gambled on sports. The Ravens pulled a self destruction with turnovers and penalties, the Cowboys let Tony Romo suck dirt all game, and I just finished watching the Chargers O choke to death on the bad decisions of Phillip Rivers.
BUT, the one game I did get correct is regarding the Saints. Their defense shut up critics by holding the potent Cardinals defense to 14 points and Reggie Bush took advantage of the worst playoff defense to put together a neat little highlight reel. That's more or less what I said about the game, so I'm going to continue writing up previews of games like I have a vague idea of what I'm talking about.
Real Talk
Coming into the playoffs (barring the fireworks of the Giants game) the Vikings looked like a team that was apathetic and on the way out. There was controversy surrounding Childress's call to pull Favre from a losing effort. Adrian Peterson was getting no help from the Vikings weak O-line, and the Vikings defense couldn't seem to find the swagger that had won them so many games early in the year. But a return to the home dome seemed to be just what the doctor ordered for the ailing Vikes, when they embarrassed a Cowboys team that was the hottest team in the playoffs coming in. Tony Romo was beat to shit and the Cowboys pass rush never seemed to get to Brett Farve. Suddenly, the Vikings look like a team who can beat anyone and are heading to the NFC Championship game.
Speaking of suddenly generating themselves some momentum, the other team in the NFC Championship game are those New Orleans Saints, dismantling the Cardinals in their own home dome and suddenly, that three game losing streak is a thing of the past. Now the seemingly inevitable scenario of Vikings-Saints playing for NFC dominance is all too real and it's looking like it's going to be a down-to-the-wire contest. I'd just like to point out, however, how this week's games have served as a reminder of how big an advantage playing in a home dome is (I realize I have used the term home dome 3 times) with all three of the dome teams playing at home winning.
Viking O Saints D- All of last week the talk about the Saint Cards game was what a shootout the game would be. I didn't buy it. This week, the chance of the game unfolding in an offensive showdown is much more real. As a defense that loves to play to generate turnovers, the Saints D are going to need to capitalize on each and every Vikings mistake because this offense doesn't make many. Farve uncharacteristically threw the least interceptions of any QB in the league this year, and though Peterson had some fumble issues earlier this year, those seem to be a thing of the past. The best news, if you are the Vikings, was the play of the offensive line, who had been putrid at the end of the season, but stifled the Dallas pass rush and contained the ever dangerous Demarcus Ware. This Viking offense is the real deal, and the Saints are going to have their hands full. If you are the Vikings, you need to take care of the ball, Farve needs to keep up that wonderful not-throwing-picks thing he has going, and you have to remember that you have one of the most prolific running backs in the league in Adrian Peterson. I know he hasn't had the record breaking year he had last year, but he can still be that work horse who keeps you in games and given this relatively strong Saints secondary, you are going to need him. If you are the Saints D, you need to take advantage of the crowd noise you will have and make turnovers and incompletions happen. If your D-line can get to Brett Farve, who isn't terribly mobile and start knocking him down, you're going to cause him to rush so throws and give guys like Sharper a chance to make plays. Also, the Saints can't let Peterson hit his stride or he could control the tempo of the game and keep that potent Saint O off the field.
Saints O Vikings D- This is Vikings defense that is feeling great and has never looked better. Unfortunately for them, they are about to run into the best offensive unit in the NFL. The Saints Offensive line is ranked 3rd and should give the Vikings defensive line much more of a challenge then the Cowboys lackluster line of last game. Drew Brees is playing better than any other QB in the league and will be able to make the quick reads that Romo couldn't. He has better receivers who will be able to match up with the Vikings secondary better. The key if you are the Saints is going to be protecting Drew Brees's blindside, and letting him pick apart this Vikings secondary that really isn't that good. If you are Vikings D, you want to protect the slot options and give your D line some time to get there and get some sacks on Brees.
Bottom line: I know the Vikings D is good, but I think this good Saints O line paired with the good decisions of Drew Brees are going to allow the Saints to score 21+. I think the Superdome's twelfth man will make this young Vikings offense confused and though they will score, they will also make some critical mistakes.
Saints by 10.
BUT, the one game I did get correct is regarding the Saints. Their defense shut up critics by holding the potent Cardinals defense to 14 points and Reggie Bush took advantage of the worst playoff defense to put together a neat little highlight reel. That's more or less what I said about the game, so I'm going to continue writing up previews of games like I have a vague idea of what I'm talking about.
Real Talk
Coming into the playoffs (barring the fireworks of the Giants game) the Vikings looked like a team that was apathetic and on the way out. There was controversy surrounding Childress's call to pull Favre from a losing effort. Adrian Peterson was getting no help from the Vikings weak O-line, and the Vikings defense couldn't seem to find the swagger that had won them so many games early in the year. But a return to the home dome seemed to be just what the doctor ordered for the ailing Vikes, when they embarrassed a Cowboys team that was the hottest team in the playoffs coming in. Tony Romo was beat to shit and the Cowboys pass rush never seemed to get to Brett Farve. Suddenly, the Vikings look like a team who can beat anyone and are heading to the NFC Championship game.
Speaking of suddenly generating themselves some momentum, the other team in the NFC Championship game are those New Orleans Saints, dismantling the Cardinals in their own home dome and suddenly, that three game losing streak is a thing of the past. Now the seemingly inevitable scenario of Vikings-Saints playing for NFC dominance is all too real and it's looking like it's going to be a down-to-the-wire contest. I'd just like to point out, however, how this week's games have served as a reminder of how big an advantage playing in a home dome is (I realize I have used the term home dome 3 times) with all three of the dome teams playing at home winning.
Viking O Saints D- All of last week the talk about the Saint Cards game was what a shootout the game would be. I didn't buy it. This week, the chance of the game unfolding in an offensive showdown is much more real. As a defense that loves to play to generate turnovers, the Saints D are going to need to capitalize on each and every Vikings mistake because this offense doesn't make many. Farve uncharacteristically threw the least interceptions of any QB in the league this year, and though Peterson had some fumble issues earlier this year, those seem to be a thing of the past. The best news, if you are the Vikings, was the play of the offensive line, who had been putrid at the end of the season, but stifled the Dallas pass rush and contained the ever dangerous Demarcus Ware. This Viking offense is the real deal, and the Saints are going to have their hands full. If you are the Vikings, you need to take care of the ball, Farve needs to keep up that wonderful not-throwing-picks thing he has going, and you have to remember that you have one of the most prolific running backs in the league in Adrian Peterson. I know he hasn't had the record breaking year he had last year, but he can still be that work horse who keeps you in games and given this relatively strong Saints secondary, you are going to need him. If you are the Saints D, you need to take advantage of the crowd noise you will have and make turnovers and incompletions happen. If your D-line can get to Brett Farve, who isn't terribly mobile and start knocking him down, you're going to cause him to rush so throws and give guys like Sharper a chance to make plays. Also, the Saints can't let Peterson hit his stride or he could control the tempo of the game and keep that potent Saint O off the field.
Saints O Vikings D- This is Vikings defense that is feeling great and has never looked better. Unfortunately for them, they are about to run into the best offensive unit in the NFL. The Saints Offensive line is ranked 3rd and should give the Vikings defensive line much more of a challenge then the Cowboys lackluster line of last game. Drew Brees is playing better than any other QB in the league and will be able to make the quick reads that Romo couldn't. He has better receivers who will be able to match up with the Vikings secondary better. The key if you are the Saints is going to be protecting Drew Brees's blindside, and letting him pick apart this Vikings secondary that really isn't that good. If you are Vikings D, you want to protect the slot options and give your D line some time to get there and get some sacks on Brees.
Bottom line: I know the Vikings D is good, but I think this good Saints O line paired with the good decisions of Drew Brees are going to allow the Saints to score 21+. I think the Superdome's twelfth man will make this young Vikings offense confused and though they will score, they will also make some critical mistakes.
Saints by 10.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Counter/Plea for Readership And That Fucking Puppet
Well children, it's finally here. I decided that I have carried on and put enough effort into this blog, to convince myself that I won't grow tired of it and just stop writing in it. So today, I finally installed my little hit counter you may be able to see at the bottom. I didn't think my readership was significant enough to warrant it until now, but I am very excited to begin progress toward my endgoal with this blog. What goal is that you may ask?
Aside from serving as a much needed creative outlet and a way to keep my attention-whore cravings under control, the objective of this blog is for me to eventually have it become relevant and legitimate enough to help me attain some sort of employment or internship with one of the frontrunners in the internet's comedy community (College Humor, Cracked, The Onion, etc). With the hit counter I will have a concrete number to show potential employers and hopefully it will be and impressive one. I would be forever in your debt, dear readers, were you to take any of my posts that you find particularly funny or amusing and forward them on to your friends. I realize this is quite a bit of faith I'm putting in the word-of-mouth system, but hopefully it pans out and your help is very much appreciated. Now that I'm done begging, onward to the meat of this post.
When one finds themselves with a particularly large amount of time on their hands, as I often do, they tend spend that time working on something that they have always been self-conscious of. Though I have always greatly enjoyed music, until most recently, I always felt genuinely lost whenever someone brought up music and were discussing well known bands that I, quite frankly, had never heard of. As a result, my spare time (there is quite a bit of it) that is not devoted to this blog is mostly devoted to cultivating my Last Fm and Pandora. With fantastic music tools as these, I'm digging up all sorts of music and for the first time feel relatively in touch with the musical community.
Now, being a ravenous fan of Bloc Party, The Killers, and Coldplay, (I've already seen The Killers live, but would commit homicide for tickets to the former or latter.) Last Fm and Pandora had a tendency to recommend a band by the name of Interpol. Aside from their song PDA being featured on Rock Band 2, I had never heard of them before. I wasn't disappointed, but at the same time, wasn't impressed with what I heard.
As my musical tastes became more and more solidified in the eyes of Last Fm and Pandora, Interpol continued to make appearances as a listened to my radio stations. Last week I was giving Interpol's most popular song, Evil, a listen and something fell into place.
I was hooked. In the past week I've listened to the song 37 times, which I'll admit is a bit excessive. Here is where this story takes a tragic turn for the worse. I decide that since I'm so infatuated with the song, I must go on You Tube and search for the music video. Unfortunately, I found it and my life will never be the same again.
That is....without a doubt... the scariest fucking thing... that I have ever seen.... in my entire life....
WHAT THE FUCK, INTERPOL!?! When you went in for your first day of shooting, did you think, "Let's make the most terrifying puppet that this world has ever seen and have it dancing and singing. Like, I want this puppet stare into your soul."
Here is a good rule of thumb for puppet making. Puppets should not have fucking teeth... ever.
OH MY GOD! THROW THE CHILDREN AT IT! MAYBE THAT WILL BUY US TIME!
Notice how in their video, the audience recognizes that the puppets are acting strangely? Well that makes us feel more comfortable. Your insistence to have the emergency workers act like the puppet is not the most terrifying thing they will ever lay eyes on, makes it even more surreal and creepy than it needs to be.
I'm sorry for ,ringing this puppet into your lives America, but now we get to what I've been building to. I figured I'd try to create a way to desensitize people to the terrifying visage of this puppet. After a half hour on Face and Hole, the fruit of my labor was ripe. Ladies and Gentleman I give you the Cavalcade of Terrifying Puppet Face.
(Note: play this in the background as you scroll down.)
Beneath the Chuck Norris puppet face beard is another puppet face
Edward holding himself
I appear to have forgotten to replace Tobey Maguire in this one.
And I bet the women would still kill to bed him.
"I've come to stop you Joke...Wooaah! Nevermind, keep murdering innocents."
This looks strangely correct.
Man, Clooney looks younger.
HOLY SHIT! GIVE IT THE FUCKING RING!
I don't even know what to say about this.
Aside from serving as a much needed creative outlet and a way to keep my attention-whore cravings under control, the objective of this blog is for me to eventually have it become relevant and legitimate enough to help me attain some sort of employment or internship with one of the frontrunners in the internet's comedy community (College Humor, Cracked, The Onion, etc). With the hit counter I will have a concrete number to show potential employers and hopefully it will be and impressive one. I would be forever in your debt, dear readers, were you to take any of my posts that you find particularly funny or amusing and forward them on to your friends. I realize this is quite a bit of faith I'm putting in the word-of-mouth system, but hopefully it pans out and your help is very much appreciated. Now that I'm done begging, onward to the meat of this post.
When one finds themselves with a particularly large amount of time on their hands, as I often do, they tend spend that time working on something that they have always been self-conscious of. Though I have always greatly enjoyed music, until most recently, I always felt genuinely lost whenever someone brought up music and were discussing well known bands that I, quite frankly, had never heard of. As a result, my spare time (there is quite a bit of it) that is not devoted to this blog is mostly devoted to cultivating my Last Fm and Pandora. With fantastic music tools as these, I'm digging up all sorts of music and for the first time feel relatively in touch with the musical community.
Now, being a ravenous fan of Bloc Party, The Killers, and Coldplay, (I've already seen The Killers live, but would commit homicide for tickets to the former or latter.) Last Fm and Pandora had a tendency to recommend a band by the name of Interpol. Aside from their song PDA being featured on Rock Band 2, I had never heard of them before. I wasn't disappointed, but at the same time, wasn't impressed with what I heard.
As my musical tastes became more and more solidified in the eyes of Last Fm and Pandora, Interpol continued to make appearances as a listened to my radio stations. Last week I was giving Interpol's most popular song, Evil, a listen and something fell into place.
I was hooked. In the past week I've listened to the song 37 times, which I'll admit is a bit excessive. Here is where this story takes a tragic turn for the worse. I decide that since I'm so infatuated with the song, I must go on You Tube and search for the music video. Unfortunately, I found it and my life will never be the same again.
That is....without a doubt... the scariest fucking thing... that I have ever seen.... in my entire life....
WHAT THE FUCK, INTERPOL!?! When you went in for your first day of shooting, did you think, "Let's make the most terrifying puppet that this world has ever seen and have it dancing and singing. Like, I want this puppet stare into your soul."
Here is a good rule of thumb for puppet making. Puppets should not have fucking teeth... ever.
OH MY GOD! THROW THE CHILDREN AT IT! MAYBE THAT WILL BUY US TIME!
Alright, Interpol, it's time for you to take a lesson from the masters of the music industry, Coldplay. When they did their video for Life in Technicolor ii, they also used puppets. The difference here is that their music video doesn't haunt my dreams and make me cry blood. The first big thing they did is keep their puppets from looking like something Satan would give as a Christmas gift. Not creepy, you know?
Or at least considerably less creepy.
Notice how in their video, the audience recognizes that the puppets are acting strangely? Well that makes us feel more comfortable. Your insistence to have the emergency workers act like the puppet is not the most terrifying thing they will ever lay eyes on, makes it even more surreal and creepy than it needs to be.
I'm sorry for ,ringing this puppet into your lives America, but now we get to what I've been building to. I figured I'd try to create a way to desensitize people to the terrifying visage of this puppet. After a half hour on Face and Hole, the fruit of my labor was ripe. Ladies and Gentleman I give you the Cavalcade of Terrifying Puppet Face.
(Note: play this in the background as you scroll down.)
Beneath the Chuck Norris puppet face beard is another puppet face
Edward holding himself
I appear to have forgotten to replace Tobey Maguire in this one.
And I bet the women would still kill to bed him.
"I've come to stop you Joke...Wooaah! Nevermind, keep murdering innocents."
This looks strangely correct.
Man, Clooney looks younger.
HOLY SHIT! GIVE IT THE FUCKING RING!
I don't even know what to say about this.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A Little Sports Talk- Saints Cardinals Preview
Fan Take
At first glance, I couldn't really convince myself one way or the other on this game. I really didn't care much about it. The Cardinals failed to stop the Steelers from winning the Superbowl last year, and the Saints handed us our most resounding ass kicking of the year. So aside from Marques Colston being a regular starter on my fantasy team, I really am not a huge fan of either team.
Then I realized something, and I want my fellow Pats fans to come with me on this one. The number of AFC Superbowl wins over the last 9 years vs the NFC's wins. AFC wins 7 (Pats 3, Steelers 2, Colts/Ravens 1), NFC wins 2 (Buccaneers/Giants 1). While it's awesome for us to keep bringing up how much more awesome the AFC is than the NFC, even if the NFC won this year, they would have less the half of the titles the AFC has in the past 10 years. And the AFC would still be clearly superior.
Now, let's take a look at the teams left with a chance to win the Superbowl and how I as a Pats fan feel about them. Colts (loathe with the passion of a thousand suns), Jets and Chargers (genuine dislike as explained in my post on their game), Vikings (Fuck Brett Farve for fucking us over on the playoffs last year), Cowboys (are evil), Ravens (back to back years of bouncing us out of the playoffs, albeit different means), and the Saints and Cardinals (apathetic).
I actively don't want 5 of the remaining teams to win the Super Bowl. I probably wouldn't like the Ravens winning either, as I'm bitter about my playoff losses. That means that the only way that this Superbowl won't be incredibly painful for me, is for the Cardinals or the Saints to win. The Cardinals have already proved to me that they can't be trusted to stop a hated team from winning the Super Bowl and, to be perfectly honest, if they were to win the Superbowl it would just suck because they really aren't good. Like really, the fucking Cardinals?
I guess that just leaves the Saints. I know that they handed us an embarrassing loss, and that sucks, but in a way we as Pats fans can kind of identify with them. Unlike the bitchy Colts, who sat their starters in a bullshit attempt to take some sort of moral high ground over the Pats, the Saints handled their shot at the perfect season the way we did. No mercy, and crushing opponents until they genuinely lost. And can we really hate on a Saints team we are going to meet once every four years? The big reason why I think that Pats fans should give the Saints their support is that should the Ravens let the Colts get their momentum back, this Saints team is really the only team left I think is capable of stopping them. For that reason, I want the Saints to avoid the upset this weekend and continue along to win the Superbowl. Ugh, this is gonna be tough, but...go saints.... ick.
If you can do this to us, don't fucking lose to the Colts.
Real Talk
The talking heads on ESPN and NFL network are all crying upset about this game. I don't buy it. Saints might have lost their last three games, but unlike the Colts losses, I think the Saints took it as a humbling experience rather than something to get upset and panic about. I think they will show up Saturday ready to play and if that happens, the Cardinals don't really have a shot. I know this is a Cardinal team that upset its way into the Superbowl last year, but remember how they ended their regular season. They limped in on a losing streak, and went on to win the NFC championship game. Cardinals are a great passing team, but i don't see Beanie Wells or Hightower having huge games not to mention that the Arizona defense is the worst in the playoffs. The Saints not only have a great passing game, but a defense that scored 8 defensive touchdown this season, not to mention that they were 2nd in generating turnovers.
Cardinals O-Saints D
This is a high powered Cardinals passing game that proved last week that they can win shootouts. Kurt Warner looked fantastic, picking apart a very solid GB defense with 5 TDs and no INTs. Breaston and Fitzgerald are dangerous wide receivers and Doucet proved last week that he deserves some attention from the Saints' secondary. Beanie Wells averaged nearly 6 yards a rush, but if the Saints keep the passing game in check, things should be nowhere near as easy for Wells. The key to this matchup is one thing and one thing only. Turnovers. It's what the Saints defense does and it's what the Cardinals offense struggled with all year. For the Cards, Kurt Warner has got to make smart passes and trust his receivers to make tough catches. He can't put the ball where this potent Saints secondary can make a play on it, or they will make him pay. The receivers and RB's also have to hold on to the ball as the Saints are always looking to strip the ball. For the Saints D, they have to capitalize on the Cards mistakes and keep the passing game in check. They can't drop picks and they can't give up home run balls to the Cardinals receivers. The Cards are going to get yards, but creating turnovers or holding them to FGs is what is going to win this for the Saints. If the Saints can hold them to 24 points or under, they've done a great job in my book.
Saints O- Cardinals D
A huge mismatch, this is going to be an uphill battle for this Cardinals defense. This is a well-oiled, potent Saints offense. Drew Brees is an outstanding QB with all kinds of weapons at his disposal. Reggie Bush is a huge weapon when he's in the open field, and with Pierre Thomas healthy again, the Saints have options at RB. To be honest, outside of lackluster and apathetic play from the entire Saints O, I don't see the Cards D slowing them down at all. They will have to rely on some lucky breaks and just do their best to contain the Saints. If they can somehow keep the Saints under 28, this Arizona D will have done what it needs. For the Saints, they need to have a short memory and go out there and play like the last month of football never happened. If they play with confidence, they should have a field day with this Arizona defense.
Bottom Line:
Arizona is known for upsets and the Saints looked terrible coming into the playoffs, but the mismatch between the 'zona D and Saints offense is just too pronounced.
Saints by 17
At first glance, I couldn't really convince myself one way or the other on this game. I really didn't care much about it. The Cardinals failed to stop the Steelers from winning the Superbowl last year, and the Saints handed us our most resounding ass kicking of the year. So aside from Marques Colston being a regular starter on my fantasy team, I really am not a huge fan of either team.
Then I realized something, and I want my fellow Pats fans to come with me on this one. The number of AFC Superbowl wins over the last 9 years vs the NFC's wins. AFC wins 7 (Pats 3, Steelers 2, Colts/Ravens 1), NFC wins 2 (Buccaneers/Giants 1). While it's awesome for us to keep bringing up how much more awesome the AFC is than the NFC, even if the NFC won this year, they would have less the half of the titles the AFC has in the past 10 years. And the AFC would still be clearly superior.
Now, let's take a look at the teams left with a chance to win the Superbowl and how I as a Pats fan feel about them. Colts (loathe with the passion of a thousand suns), Jets and Chargers (genuine dislike as explained in my post on their game), Vikings (Fuck Brett Farve for fucking us over on the playoffs last year), Cowboys (are evil), Ravens (back to back years of bouncing us out of the playoffs, albeit different means), and the Saints and Cardinals (apathetic).
I actively don't want 5 of the remaining teams to win the Super Bowl. I probably wouldn't like the Ravens winning either, as I'm bitter about my playoff losses. That means that the only way that this Superbowl won't be incredibly painful for me, is for the Cardinals or the Saints to win. The Cardinals have already proved to me that they can't be trusted to stop a hated team from winning the Super Bowl and, to be perfectly honest, if they were to win the Superbowl it would just suck because they really aren't good. Like really, the fucking Cardinals?
I guess that just leaves the Saints. I know that they handed us an embarrassing loss, and that sucks, but in a way we as Pats fans can kind of identify with them. Unlike the bitchy Colts, who sat their starters in a bullshit attempt to take some sort of moral high ground over the Pats, the Saints handled their shot at the perfect season the way we did. No mercy, and crushing opponents until they genuinely lost. And can we really hate on a Saints team we are going to meet once every four years? The big reason why I think that Pats fans should give the Saints their support is that should the Ravens let the Colts get their momentum back, this Saints team is really the only team left I think is capable of stopping them. For that reason, I want the Saints to avoid the upset this weekend and continue along to win the Superbowl. Ugh, this is gonna be tough, but...go saints.... ick.
If you can do this to us, don't fucking lose to the Colts.
Real Talk
The talking heads on ESPN and NFL network are all crying upset about this game. I don't buy it. Saints might have lost their last three games, but unlike the Colts losses, I think the Saints took it as a humbling experience rather than something to get upset and panic about. I think they will show up Saturday ready to play and if that happens, the Cardinals don't really have a shot. I know this is a Cardinal team that upset its way into the Superbowl last year, but remember how they ended their regular season. They limped in on a losing streak, and went on to win the NFC championship game. Cardinals are a great passing team, but i don't see Beanie Wells or Hightower having huge games not to mention that the Arizona defense is the worst in the playoffs. The Saints not only have a great passing game, but a defense that scored 8 defensive touchdown this season, not to mention that they were 2nd in generating turnovers.
Cardinals O-Saints D
This is a high powered Cardinals passing game that proved last week that they can win shootouts. Kurt Warner looked fantastic, picking apart a very solid GB defense with 5 TDs and no INTs. Breaston and Fitzgerald are dangerous wide receivers and Doucet proved last week that he deserves some attention from the Saints' secondary. Beanie Wells averaged nearly 6 yards a rush, but if the Saints keep the passing game in check, things should be nowhere near as easy for Wells. The key to this matchup is one thing and one thing only. Turnovers. It's what the Saints defense does and it's what the Cardinals offense struggled with all year. For the Cards, Kurt Warner has got to make smart passes and trust his receivers to make tough catches. He can't put the ball where this potent Saints secondary can make a play on it, or they will make him pay. The receivers and RB's also have to hold on to the ball as the Saints are always looking to strip the ball. For the Saints D, they have to capitalize on the Cards mistakes and keep the passing game in check. They can't drop picks and they can't give up home run balls to the Cardinals receivers. The Cards are going to get yards, but creating turnovers or holding them to FGs is what is going to win this for the Saints. If the Saints can hold them to 24 points or under, they've done a great job in my book.
Saints O- Cardinals D
A huge mismatch, this is going to be an uphill battle for this Cardinals defense. This is a well-oiled, potent Saints offense. Drew Brees is an outstanding QB with all kinds of weapons at his disposal. Reggie Bush is a huge weapon when he's in the open field, and with Pierre Thomas healthy again, the Saints have options at RB. To be honest, outside of lackluster and apathetic play from the entire Saints O, I don't see the Cards D slowing them down at all. They will have to rely on some lucky breaks and just do their best to contain the Saints. If they can somehow keep the Saints under 28, this Arizona D will have done what it needs. For the Saints, they need to have a short memory and go out there and play like the last month of football never happened. If they play with confidence, they should have a field day with this Arizona defense.
Bottom Line:
Arizona is known for upsets and the Saints looked terrible coming into the playoffs, but the mismatch between the 'zona D and Saints offense is just too pronounced.
Saints by 17
A Little Sports Talk- Ravens Colts Preview
Fan Take
Alright Baltimore, listen the fuck up. You owe us Patriots some fucking winning. You swiped our Wild-Card spot last year only to lose to the hated Steelers in the AFC Championship game and let them win the Superbowl. Here we are again, with you bouncing us from the playoffs, this time via an embarrassing spoiling of Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, please, please, PLEASE WITH FUCKING SUGAR ON TOP don't lose to the Colts. Outside of the Yankees (and a tie with the Steelers), there is no team that I hate more than the Colts and I feel like the rest of New England is with me. Maybe it's the way the commentators suck Peyton Manning's dick, or maybe the way he screams at his receivers for missing balls he clearly overthrew, but Peyton Manning is everything I hate in sports. Every time I see a Peyton Manning ad, I die a little inside. Luckily, his SNL appearance was hilarious!
Again, he was handed the MVP by the league who seem to collectively have their heads up their asses. Consider this.
Matt Schaub, whose offensive line is considerably worse than Peyton Mannings, (He was sacked nearly twice as often as Peyton, whose OL held him to the lowest amount of sacks in the NFL. Don't give that shit about quick reads, Manning always has all day in the pocket), had a higher completion percentage, a higher yards per throw average, twice as many 40+ yard plays, fewer INTs, a practically identical number of passing attempts, and a better QB rating. Peyton did have him beat on touchdowns, though, so he is the clear MVP winner. Say what you will about Peyton's team being 14-0 in games he played all the way through, his team has a defense and Schaub's doesn't. I'm not saying Schaub is the superior QB, all I'm saying is that he had a better season then Peyton did. Not to mention a Tennesee Titan by the name of Chirs Johnson had kind of a good season.
In summary, fuck the Colts, go Ravens.
Real Talk
This game has all the makings of an upset. Which is exactly why it probably won't be one. If there was ever a chance to beat the Colts, it's now. The starters are frustrated and upset that their coaches allowed perfection to escape them. They are playing a Baltimore team that has all of the momentum heading into this game, coming off a convincing win over the Patriots. Not to mention that when Baltimore faced them this season, they nearly pulled off spoiler. The only problem is how pungent the reek of upset is coming off this game. This is such an upset scenario that the Colts will have been prepared for it. As much as it kills me to say it, they are very well coached and the coaches likely have them settled down. This should still be a doozy of a game.
Ravens O-Colts D- Part of the reason I hate the Colts so much is how similar the two teams really are. So why fix what ain't broke? Dwight Freeney could be a problem for their offense, but if this line does anywhere near the job they did on Vince Wilfork and the rest of the Pats defense last week, Ray Rice should have another huge day. Colts aren't a great run D, so if you are Baltimore you do what you did last week, run run run. Flacco isn't Peyton, so it's important to get that early lead for your defense to protect. If you are the Colts, you need to protect against the run and make the Ravens throw the ball. That's where this team is weakest, and you might be able to cause a few turnovers.
Colts O- Ravens D- This is the big side of the ball in this game, and easily the most compelling matchup of the week. The story of this matchup is "Get to Peyton". If I'm the Ravens, I'm bringing Ray Lewis to Peyton Manning and trying to put the hurt on him. He's Peyton, so if he gets time, he will get the ball to the receiver regardless of the coverage you have on the receivers. In my opinion, Addai is sort of a non-factor. Joseph Addai is not going to be what wins this game for the Colts. You've got to get those linebackers involved if you are Baltimore, though. For the Colts, it's very simple. Let Peyton be Peyton. Pats couldn't let Brady be Brady against this Baltimore D and the result was 4 turnovers from our beloved QB. If Peyton gets time, the Colts are going to make a good Baltimore D look very silly.
Bottom Line
I can't help but let my feelings creep into this one. I think Peyton Manning will be looking at 4+ sacks, that Ray Rice will have 150+ and 2 TDs, and we Pats fans will have our blood.
Ravens by 4.
Alright Baltimore, listen the fuck up. You owe us Patriots some fucking winning. You swiped our Wild-Card spot last year only to lose to the hated Steelers in the AFC Championship game and let them win the Superbowl. Here we are again, with you bouncing us from the playoffs, this time via an embarrassing spoiling of Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, please, please, PLEASE WITH FUCKING SUGAR ON TOP don't lose to the Colts. Outside of the Yankees (and a tie with the Steelers), there is no team that I hate more than the Colts and I feel like the rest of New England is with me. Maybe it's the way the commentators suck Peyton Manning's dick, or maybe the way he screams at his receivers for missing balls he clearly overthrew, but Peyton Manning is everything I hate in sports. Every time I see a Peyton Manning ad, I die a little inside. Luckily, his SNL appearance was hilarious!
"Oh wait, that's right. I vomited in my mouth when I saw this."
Again, he was handed the MVP by the league who seem to collectively have their heads up their asses. Consider this.
Matt Schaub, whose offensive line is considerably worse than Peyton Mannings, (He was sacked nearly twice as often as Peyton, whose OL held him to the lowest amount of sacks in the NFL. Don't give that shit about quick reads, Manning always has all day in the pocket), had a higher completion percentage, a higher yards per throw average, twice as many 40+ yard plays, fewer INTs, a practically identical number of passing attempts, and a better QB rating. Peyton did have him beat on touchdowns, though, so he is the clear MVP winner. Say what you will about Peyton's team being 14-0 in games he played all the way through, his team has a defense and Schaub's doesn't. I'm not saying Schaub is the superior QB, all I'm saying is that he had a better season then Peyton did. Not to mention a Tennesee Titan by the name of Chirs Johnson had kind of a good season.
In summary, fuck the Colts, go Ravens.
Real Talk
This game has all the makings of an upset. Which is exactly why it probably won't be one. If there was ever a chance to beat the Colts, it's now. The starters are frustrated and upset that their coaches allowed perfection to escape them. They are playing a Baltimore team that has all of the momentum heading into this game, coming off a convincing win over the Patriots. Not to mention that when Baltimore faced them this season, they nearly pulled off spoiler. The only problem is how pungent the reek of upset is coming off this game. This is such an upset scenario that the Colts will have been prepared for it. As much as it kills me to say it, they are very well coached and the coaches likely have them settled down. This should still be a doozy of a game.
Ravens O-Colts D- Part of the reason I hate the Colts so much is how similar the two teams really are. So why fix what ain't broke? Dwight Freeney could be a problem for their offense, but if this line does anywhere near the job they did on Vince Wilfork and the rest of the Pats defense last week, Ray Rice should have another huge day. Colts aren't a great run D, so if you are Baltimore you do what you did last week, run run run. Flacco isn't Peyton, so it's important to get that early lead for your defense to protect. If you are the Colts, you need to protect against the run and make the Ravens throw the ball. That's where this team is weakest, and you might be able to cause a few turnovers.
Colts O- Ravens D- This is the big side of the ball in this game, and easily the most compelling matchup of the week. The story of this matchup is "Get to Peyton". If I'm the Ravens, I'm bringing Ray Lewis to Peyton Manning and trying to put the hurt on him. He's Peyton, so if he gets time, he will get the ball to the receiver regardless of the coverage you have on the receivers. In my opinion, Addai is sort of a non-factor. Joseph Addai is not going to be what wins this game for the Colts. You've got to get those linebackers involved if you are Baltimore, though. For the Colts, it's very simple. Let Peyton be Peyton. Pats couldn't let Brady be Brady against this Baltimore D and the result was 4 turnovers from our beloved QB. If Peyton gets time, the Colts are going to make a good Baltimore D look very silly.
Bottom Line
I can't help but let my feelings creep into this one. I think Peyton Manning will be looking at 4+ sacks, that Ray Rice will have 150+ and 2 TDs, and we Pats fans will have our blood.
Ravens by 4.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Little Sports Talk: Viking Cowboys Preview
Fan Take
Like any Pats fan one year ago, I still remember with horror watching the final Jets game of season and watching Brett Farve flounder about like the senior citizen he was. The ill fated pass (if you could call it that) at the end of the game, that cemented our dubious honor of having the best record to not make the playoffs. Thanks a pantload, Jets. I think that was when I decided that I loathed Brett Farve and everything he stands for. I think that's why when they lost to the Bears, I jumped up and down with joy. I would like nothing more than to see him bow out of the playoffs, underperforming and disgraced.
On the other hand, we have the Dallas Cowboys. Now it may be living with Giants fans for the better part of three years, but something about the Cowboys strikes me as sinister and evil. Maybe it's their absurdly large stadium, complete with unnecessarily large jumbotron dangling over the field. Maybe it's the hilarious fact that the players have to walk through the stadium's bar just to get to the field. No, no it's something else...
Oh, yes, that's right. It's that Jerry Jones is a money grubbing owner, who was created by Satan to ruin football and make sure that Bush had a great place to watch the game from. Every time that Jerry Jones's team wins, football dies a little more inside. Maybe that's why I wanted the Eagles to beat "America's team". Maybe that's why I want to see Demarcus Ware paralyze Brett Farve, but for the Vikings to destroy the Cowboys.
Real Talk
For the first time in a long time, the Cowboys look like they are firing on all cylinders and won't actually fuck up in the playoffs. Romo looks hot. Felix Jones is running the ball like nobody's business and Tashard Choice and Marion Barber are great backs on their own.
However, a Vikings team that seemed unbeatable, then seemed to be limping into the postseaon, now appears to have got their swagger back with a convincing win over the Giants in their last game two weeks ago. A great defense paired with a hot and cold offensive unit, the vikings are a great team that mixes experience and youth.
Vikings O-Dallas D: The real mismatch here is Minnesota's OL and Dallas's defensive line. Adrian Peterson hasn't been the beast he was last season simply because the line isn't doing much to help him out. This going against the 4th ranked rush defense in the Dallas Cowboys, is bad news. With Demarcus Ware (the best linebacker in football) lurking behind that potent Dallas line I really don't see Peterson having a big game. I think screen passes to Peterson and Harvin might be a good idea considering the aggressiveness of this Dallas defense. Don't forget that the vikings were 8th best in the air this year, whereas the Cowboys pass d is in the bottom half of the league 20th. That being said, this is the pass d, that kept Donovan McNabb's formidable Eagles passing game relatively in check. The bottom line is that this hinges on the inferior Vikings OL matching up and Brett Farve making some decent throws. If Harvin and Rice can both get 7+ catches the Vikings should be in good shape. Farve just can't cave to the Dallas pressure he is going to feel.
Dallas O- Vikings D - If you had asked me four weeks ago who wins this matchup, laugh at you and ask you if you were serious. The Vikings defensive line was one of the most dominant in the NFL all year, both the league leader in sacks and second in run defense. The way this Dallas offense is playing though, I see this becoming a real battle. Will Felix Jones have the game he had last week? No. But Romo is throwing the ball confidently and Roy Williams is looking every bit the phenomenal receiver he is. Throw in the Jason Witten slot option, and Miles Austin making catches when he needs to, and we got us a ball game. The key here is that Romo isn't going to have a lot of time to make throws, so he's going to need to make quick reads and get the ball out of the pocket quickly. If you are Minnesota, you need that d line to shut down the run like it's been doing all year and keep the pressure on Romo.
Bottom line
This Vikings team has felt like it's been slowly falling apart all season, and I just don't see them beating this great Cowboys team that is peaking at the right time. Cowboys by 10.
Like any Pats fan one year ago, I still remember with horror watching the final Jets game of season and watching Brett Farve flounder about like the senior citizen he was. The ill fated pass (if you could call it that) at the end of the game, that cemented our dubious honor of having the best record to not make the playoffs. Thanks a pantload, Jets. I think that was when I decided that I loathed Brett Farve and everything he stands for. I think that's why when they lost to the Bears, I jumped up and down with joy. I would like nothing more than to see him bow out of the playoffs, underperforming and disgraced.
On the other hand, we have the Dallas Cowboys. Now it may be living with Giants fans for the better part of three years, but something about the Cowboys strikes me as sinister and evil. Maybe it's their absurdly large stadium, complete with unnecessarily large jumbotron dangling over the field. Maybe it's the hilarious fact that the players have to walk through the stadium's bar just to get to the field. No, no it's something else...
Oh, yes, that's right. It's that Jerry Jones is a money grubbing owner, who was created by Satan to ruin football and make sure that Bush had a great place to watch the game from. Every time that Jerry Jones's team wins, football dies a little more inside. Maybe that's why I wanted the Eagles to beat "America's team". Maybe that's why I want to see Demarcus Ware paralyze Brett Farve, but for the Vikings to destroy the Cowboys.
Real Talk
For the first time in a long time, the Cowboys look like they are firing on all cylinders and won't actually fuck up in the playoffs. Romo looks hot. Felix Jones is running the ball like nobody's business and Tashard Choice and Marion Barber are great backs on their own.
However, a Vikings team that seemed unbeatable, then seemed to be limping into the postseaon, now appears to have got their swagger back with a convincing win over the Giants in their last game two weeks ago. A great defense paired with a hot and cold offensive unit, the vikings are a great team that mixes experience and youth.
Vikings O-Dallas D: The real mismatch here is Minnesota's OL and Dallas's defensive line. Adrian Peterson hasn't been the beast he was last season simply because the line isn't doing much to help him out. This going against the 4th ranked rush defense in the Dallas Cowboys, is bad news. With Demarcus Ware (the best linebacker in football) lurking behind that potent Dallas line I really don't see Peterson having a big game. I think screen passes to Peterson and Harvin might be a good idea considering the aggressiveness of this Dallas defense. Don't forget that the vikings were 8th best in the air this year, whereas the Cowboys pass d is in the bottom half of the league 20th. That being said, this is the pass d, that kept Donovan McNabb's formidable Eagles passing game relatively in check. The bottom line is that this hinges on the inferior Vikings OL matching up and Brett Farve making some decent throws. If Harvin and Rice can both get 7+ catches the Vikings should be in good shape. Farve just can't cave to the Dallas pressure he is going to feel.
Dallas O- Vikings D - If you had asked me four weeks ago who wins this matchup, laugh at you and ask you if you were serious. The Vikings defensive line was one of the most dominant in the NFL all year, both the league leader in sacks and second in run defense. The way this Dallas offense is playing though, I see this becoming a real battle. Will Felix Jones have the game he had last week? No. But Romo is throwing the ball confidently and Roy Williams is looking every bit the phenomenal receiver he is. Throw in the Jason Witten slot option, and Miles Austin making catches when he needs to, and we got us a ball game. The key here is that Romo isn't going to have a lot of time to make throws, so he's going to need to make quick reads and get the ball out of the pocket quickly. If you are Minnesota, you need that d line to shut down the run like it's been doing all year and keep the pressure on Romo.
Bottom line
This Vikings team has felt like it's been slowly falling apart all season, and I just don't see them beating this great Cowboys team that is peaking at the right time. Cowboys by 10.
A Little Sports Talk- Jets Chargers Preview
Now that my traditional two days of mourning have passed, I'm finally ready to dive back into my beloved world of sports. After this morning's traditional sports talk call-in, I still feel a need to discuss sports. Given that I have no one outside my dogs to talk to during the day, (and Eddie is a Lakers fan. That bitch!) I decided a quick blog post would fulfill my sports talk needs.
The saying goes that you have to get right back on the horse that bucks you off... or some shit like that. So, I'm gonna talk football. Last week, was the most humiliating week of playoff football I've ever had to endure (I know you Giants fans are just dying to cry "Super Bowl!" Contain yourselves). Outside of my Patriots being thoroughly dismantled and having Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record soiled, I suffered an embarrassing 0-4 record with my picks. Having these past two days to analyze how that could have happened, I determined that (outside of Carson Palmer throwing like a two-year-old and the Eagles playing nearly as poorly as we did) I let my feelings cloud my judgment and picked the way I wanted the games to come out.
I won't be making the same mistakes this week. Though, I will give my perspective on the games from the Patriots fan in the core of me, I'll also take it from the stance of the cold, calculating, reptile of a sports guru within me. In this first post, I'm gonna take a look at Jets-Chargers, and I'll keep updating with new posts for the other teams.
Jets vs. Chargers
Fan Take
It's difficult for me to tell which of these two teams I loathe more. On the one hand, we have the New York Jets. In keeping with that awesome system of two teams for every sport that New York has going, (Suuuuure the Nets are a Jersey team.) here come the Jets, rising from the ashes of the Giants and giving New York something else to dangle over the head of Boston. The real thing that upsets me about the Jets, is the small beluga whale that is coaching them. Rex Ryan is the biggest jackass in sports. This year alone, we've seen him cry, declare his team out of the playoffs despite not being eliminated, the declare that it is the Jets manifest destiny to win the Super Bowl. Oh, and he looks like Biff from Back To The Future if he were 40 and could crush a Mini Cooper with his girth.
"We're gonna win the Super Bowl, butthead."
The saying goes that you have to get right back on the horse that bucks you off... or some shit like that. So, I'm gonna talk football. Last week, was the most humiliating week of playoff football I've ever had to endure (I know you Giants fans are just dying to cry "Super Bowl!" Contain yourselves). Outside of my Patriots being thoroughly dismantled and having Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record soiled, I suffered an embarrassing 0-4 record with my picks. Having these past two days to analyze how that could have happened, I determined that (outside of Carson Palmer throwing like a two-year-old and the Eagles playing nearly as poorly as we did) I let my feelings cloud my judgment and picked the way I wanted the games to come out.
I won't be making the same mistakes this week. Though, I will give my perspective on the games from the Patriots fan in the core of me, I'll also take it from the stance of the cold, calculating, reptile of a sports guru within me. In this first post, I'm gonna take a look at Jets-Chargers, and I'll keep updating with new posts for the other teams.
Jets vs. Chargers
Fan Take
It's difficult for me to tell which of these two teams I loathe more. On the one hand, we have the New York Jets. In keeping with that awesome system of two teams for every sport that New York has going, (Suuuuure the Nets are a Jersey team.) here come the Jets, rising from the ashes of the Giants and giving New York something else to dangle over the head of Boston. The real thing that upsets me about the Jets, is the small beluga whale that is coaching them. Rex Ryan is the biggest jackass in sports. This year alone, we've seen him cry, declare his team out of the playoffs despite not being eliminated, the declare that it is the Jets manifest destiny to win the Super Bowl. Oh, and he looks like Biff from Back To The Future if he were 40 and could crush a Mini Cooper with his girth.
"We're gonna win the Super Bowl, butthead."
However, on the other hand we have the Chargers, and the ever fuck-headed Ladanian Tomlinson. The bad blood between our teams goes back to 2007, when the Chargers were 14-2 and decided that talking all week about how bad they would beat the Patriots, was a good idea. When the Patriots saved their talk till after the game, Phil Rivers and LT cried like little babies, forgetting that you have to win a game to talk shit. Ladanian is very public about the fact that he really wants to win the Super Bowl and that he hates the Patriots. Also, he was a consistent under performer in my fantasy league this year. So yeah, the only way this game ends well for me is if the stadium collapses.
Real Talk
This is a Jets team I thought didn't stand a whisper of a chance in the playoffs. Outside of Revis who is the best cornerback in the NFL right now, I'm still not convinced that their defense is that good (show me whatever stats you want, I'm still not sold) top-ranked or no. 90% of what killed the Bengals was Palmer's playoff jitters and overthrowing every fucking person he had open. Cedric Benson managed to pile 170 yards rushing, which is unacceptable when you are taking on LT and Darren Sproles next week.
What did surprise me was how thoroughly the Jets offense spanked a not-to-shabby Bengals defense. The Jets are a running team, and Mark Sanchez is known to throw a pick or two, but they showed the Bengals a good mix of pass and run. Aside from Braylon Edwards dropping a perfect throw in the endzone, the offense looked like the offense that the Jets have needed all year.
Chargers are a hell of a team and, pre-playoffs, the team I was expecting to win the AFC. On the Chargers O, Jets D side of the ball, the key to the game is going to be containing Gates. When Gates is doing well, more defenders have to commit to him and then that's when that running attack gets dangerous. SD's WRs really aren't that good, so if I were the Jets I'd consider putting Revis on Gates. Bottom line, if Gates has 100+ yards receiving, the Jets aren't winning this game.
Jets O, Chargers D- The game plan is simple for the Chargers, stop the run. Make the young shaky quarterback beat you. The Chargers can't be scared of what Sanchez did last week and need to force him into some bad throws. Were I the Chargers, I would blitz every play with Merriman. Bottom line here is, Chargers need to stop the run and put the pressure on Sanchez. If he proves me wrong tho, and actually plays like he did last week, the Jets could actually end up winning this thin.
Final Take
Jets need to contain Gates and throw the ball well to win this game. Honestly, I don't see that happening. Chargers by 14.
Real Talk
This is a Jets team I thought didn't stand a whisper of a chance in the playoffs. Outside of Revis who is the best cornerback in the NFL right now, I'm still not convinced that their defense is that good (show me whatever stats you want, I'm still not sold) top-ranked or no. 90% of what killed the Bengals was Palmer's playoff jitters and overthrowing every fucking person he had open. Cedric Benson managed to pile 170 yards rushing, which is unacceptable when you are taking on LT and Darren Sproles next week.
What did surprise me was how thoroughly the Jets offense spanked a not-to-shabby Bengals defense. The Jets are a running team, and Mark Sanchez is known to throw a pick or two, but they showed the Bengals a good mix of pass and run. Aside from Braylon Edwards dropping a perfect throw in the endzone, the offense looked like the offense that the Jets have needed all year.
Chargers are a hell of a team and, pre-playoffs, the team I was expecting to win the AFC. On the Chargers O, Jets D side of the ball, the key to the game is going to be containing Gates. When Gates is doing well, more defenders have to commit to him and then that's when that running attack gets dangerous. SD's WRs really aren't that good, so if I were the Jets I'd consider putting Revis on Gates. Bottom line, if Gates has 100+ yards receiving, the Jets aren't winning this game.
Jets O, Chargers D- The game plan is simple for the Chargers, stop the run. Make the young shaky quarterback beat you. The Chargers can't be scared of what Sanchez did last week and need to force him into some bad throws. Were I the Chargers, I would blitz every play with Merriman. Bottom line here is, Chargers need to stop the run and put the pressure on Sanchez. If he proves me wrong tho, and actually plays like he did last week, the Jets could actually end up winning this thin.
Final Take
Jets need to contain Gates and throw the ball well to win this game. Honestly, I don't see that happening. Chargers by 14.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dr. Fabolous
So today, whilst I was perusing my rap collection in my library, I came across a song I have a love-hate relationship with in "Say Aah" by Trey Songz featuring Fabolous. Whilst, I recognize that it's a terrible song and I should have no business liking it, I can't help but to listen to it whenever I notice in my tracks. On this particular listen, I paid particularly close attention to words coming out of Trey and Fabo's mouths.
Boy, were there some great ones. We have Trey saying that he will "Beat your body like a congo" in what I would say is likely the worst sweet talking I have ever heard. Outside of Trey's ambiguous reference to what could be assault, we also have him talking about "maple leaf gas got you feeling like Toronto". I could be skeptical and say that maple leaf gas is something he made up because he needed to bring in the Toronto rhyme, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he means some sort of Canadian flatulence.
Play those cards right, ladies, and you too can get "beat like a congo".
However, the lyric that took the cake and inspired this post is credited to Fabolous. When I first heard it, my knee-jerk reaction was to check Snacks and Shit to see if there was an entry. There was not, which in my mind opens the door for me to do this quote the justice I personally feel it deserves. You have the floor Fabolous, lay it on us.
"I make’em say ahhh
Just like I’m your doctor
All I prescribe
Is cranberry and vodka"
Oh boy, where to begin... Now you claim you are just like my doctor, but for the life of me I cannot remember Dr. Burchill ever looking me in the face and saying, "Well the course of action I'm going to recommend is that you take is to liberally take cranberry and vodka." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if all you prescribe people is cranberry and vodka you should probably be a sorority's bartender rather than a doctor.
Intern 2: Shhhhhh, You've never heard of Dr. Fabolous? He's said to be the most brilliant mind in medicine. I heard that he once cured a guys cancer just by pouring Nuvo on it.
Intern 3: I heard that he invents new diseases because others are too easy for him to cure.
Intern 4: I heard that he kept his music career alive for a full three years before it tragically passed away.
Inetern 1: Is that true?
Intern 4: No, it was dead on arrival.
(Fabolous's pager goes off. He checks it and breaks into a run, turning into a room where other members of the staff are working on a flat-lining patient.)
Doctor 1: She's coding!
Fabolous: What do we have?
Doctor 2: Twenty-three year old female, Alexis Scutaro. Admitted with headaches and loss of appetite 3 hours ago. She just crashed.
Fabolous: (swooping to the patients side) Alright, I'm going to need 30 ccs of cranberry and vodka. And damn it somebody get me a shotglass.
Doctor 3: Are you crazy? She's showing obvious signs of being partied out. Her body can't handle any more alcohol. You've gone too far Fabolous! You're letting your ego get in the way.
Fabolous: DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS TOO FAR! I've got a hunch that she loves to party...
Doctor 3: And what if your wrong? An innocent girl will feel really, really bad. Can you handle that on your conscience?
Fabolous: (with steely resolve) I'll take my chances. (turns and administers the cranberry and vodka).
(Patient's pulse returns and stabilizes. Other staff in the room seem relieved.)
Fabolous: (in doctor 3's face) Never question a patient's will to party...Doctor. (storms past into the hall).
(Cut to Fabolous walking the halls later that day.)
Voice: Fabolous!
Fabolous: Chief of Medicine Saunders... What can I do for you.
Saunders: I heard about what happened today with Ms. Scutaro.
Fabolous: I hear she will make a full recovery and be partying again in no time.
Saunders: Nonetheless, you were out of line Fabolous. That kind of cranberry and vodka dosage could have make her hungover. It was too big of a gamble.
Fabolous: I did what I had to.
Saunders: I'm sorry Fabolous. You are too much of a loose cannon.I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely. You can turn in your hospital ID on the way out.
(Saunders walks away while Fabolous is left standing in the hall. The final shot is Fabolous in the empty hallway staring after Saunders. The Fray plays while the camera fades out)
"Everybody do the throw it in the bag!"
Boy, were there some great ones. We have Trey saying that he will "Beat your body like a congo" in what I would say is likely the worst sweet talking I have ever heard. Outside of Trey's ambiguous reference to what could be assault, we also have him talking about "maple leaf gas got you feeling like Toronto". I could be skeptical and say that maple leaf gas is something he made up because he needed to bring in the Toronto rhyme, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he means some sort of Canadian flatulence.
Play those cards right, ladies, and you too can get "beat like a congo".However, the lyric that took the cake and inspired this post is credited to Fabolous. When I first heard it, my knee-jerk reaction was to check Snacks and Shit to see if there was an entry. There was not, which in my mind opens the door for me to do this quote the justice I personally feel it deserves. You have the floor Fabolous, lay it on us.
"I make’em say ahhh
Just like I’m your doctor
All I prescribe
Is cranberry and vodka"
Oh boy, where to begin... Now you claim you are just like my doctor, but for the life of me I cannot remember Dr. Burchill ever looking me in the face and saying, "Well the course of action I'm going to recommend is that you take is to liberally take cranberry and vodka." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if all you prescribe people is cranberry and vodka you should probably be a sorority's bartender rather than a doctor.
"Hello, I'm Doctor Faboulous, I'll be performing your surgery today. Some quick pre-op questions, are you allergic to gold, platinum, or diamonds?"
Intern 1: Who is that?Or am I wrong? Is Fabolous actually a pioneer in the field of healthcare? Will cranberry and vodka be the biggest medical discovery since penicillin? My mind ran with these thoughts and two red bulls and a pack of Doritos later, the screenplay was completed. Ladies and gentleman, I give you a sneak peek of the script for the pilot of CBS's new hit drama...
Fabolous M.D.
(Fabolous enters the hospital and all of the stop stop and eye him with reverence.)
Fabolous M.D.
(Fabolous enters the hospital and all of the stop stop and eye him with reverence.)
Intern 2: Shhhhhh, You've never heard of Dr. Fabolous? He's said to be the most brilliant mind in medicine. I heard that he once cured a guys cancer just by pouring Nuvo on it.
Intern 3: I heard that he invents new diseases because others are too easy for him to cure.
Intern 4: I heard that he kept his music career alive for a full three years before it tragically passed away.
Inetern 1: Is that true?
Intern 4: No, it was dead on arrival.
(Fabolous's pager goes off. He checks it and breaks into a run, turning into a room where other members of the staff are working on a flat-lining patient.)
Doctor 1: She's coding!
Fabolous: What do we have?
Doctor 2: Twenty-three year old female, Alexis Scutaro. Admitted with headaches and loss of appetite 3 hours ago. She just crashed.
Fabolous: (swooping to the patients side) Alright, I'm going to need 30 ccs of cranberry and vodka. And damn it somebody get me a shotglass.
Doctor 3: Are you crazy? She's showing obvious signs of being partied out. Her body can't handle any more alcohol. You've gone too far Fabolous! You're letting your ego get in the way.
Fabolous: DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS TOO FAR! I've got a hunch that she loves to party...
Doctor 3: And what if your wrong? An innocent girl will feel really, really bad. Can you handle that on your conscience?
Fabolous: (with steely resolve) I'll take my chances. (turns and administers the cranberry and vodka).
(Patient's pulse returns and stabilizes. Other staff in the room seem relieved.)
Fabolous: (in doctor 3's face) Never question a patient's will to party...Doctor. (storms past into the hall).
(Cut to Fabolous walking the halls later that day.)
Voice: Fabolous!
Fabolous: Chief of Medicine Saunders... What can I do for you.
Saunders: I heard about what happened today with Ms. Scutaro.
Fabolous: I hear she will make a full recovery and be partying again in no time.
Saunders: Nonetheless, you were out of line Fabolous. That kind of cranberry and vodka dosage could have make her hungover. It was too big of a gamble.
Fabolous: I did what I had to.
Saunders: I'm sorry Fabolous. You are too much of a loose cannon.I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely. You can turn in your hospital ID on the way out.
(Saunders walks away while Fabolous is left standing in the hall. The final shot is Fabolous in the empty hallway staring after Saunders. The Fray plays while the camera fades out)
So tune in this Sunday and watch the pilot. We have a great time slot between "Fucking Generic Forensic Science Show" and "Another 24 Rip-Off". Will Fabolous get off suspension? You'll just have to tune in and see.
"Everybody do the throw it in the bag!"
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