Lady Gaga Discusses Ideas For Her New Music Video

Director: Ok, Stefani, I wanted to organize this meeting and really have a sit down about what you wanted to do with this "Bad Romance" video. I was kind of thinking something minimalist like "Single Ladies". That's really popular now. Maybe just you in a white room, so people can really focus on your performance.

Lady Gaga: Truth be told, Francis, I'd really like to do something that's kind of a chic throwback to thriller. After Michael's passing, it only seems right. But I like your idea, I agree we should keep it minimalist.

Director: Alright, that sounds great! Any specifics you had in mind?

Lady Gaga: Well I was thinking since I'm trapped by this relationship, we could have it take place in a sort of mental health hospital that sort of conveys that feeling of trapped, while still being able to play off of that minimalist structure we were talking about. They could be doing awful things to me, like force feeding me some liquid. We can cut in close-ups of me showing off my natural good looks and crying.

Director: Well, that sounds perfect! I must admit I was a little concerned coming into this shoot. You sort of have a reputation for demanding some peculiar things, but this sounds real and creative.

Lady Gaga: Great! I'm so glad to have a director I can work with, and who understands me! I've just had a great idea about how to work in the thriller thing, too!

Director: Really? That's awesome! Let me hear it.

Lady Gaga: We'll call the place we're in The Bath Haus of Gaga, and have myself and the back up dancers crawl out of coffins, and do some thriller throwback moves.

Director: Um, ok, that sounds good. Any thought to what I should be telling costume design for what you will be wearing.

Lady Gaga: Yes I have the perfect thing! Take that little crown the boy is wearing in Where the Wild Things Are and make it so big it covers my whole head except my mouth! Actually just make it full body.

Director: ...You sure that's what you want? I was kinda thinking...

Lady Gaga: Oh and while they are at it, have them work up an outfit for me that looks like something the elves in lord of the rings would wear. You know, like chainmail, but just panties, something that barely covers my nipples, and some chains to put on my face. I'll also need something red and skimpy, another full body suit that looks like an advertisement for a bedazzler, something that makes me look like a giant gyroscope. OH! And a giant polar bear skin cape!

Director: Whaaaa...? I mean those are pretty extreme... How could we ever make the backups fit in?

Lady Gaga: Oh just, put the backups in something that looks like what I'm wearing. Oh and make all the guys cyborgs. That'll be awesome. I had another idea for a costume, but I changed my mind. I'll just do it naked. (Pulls out and lights crack pipe.) Do you mind?

Director: (stunned silence)

Lady Gaga: Cool, thanks. (In between hits on crack pipe) I just had a quick list of stuff I was hoping we could work in. I want a scene that kinda looks like the Matrix where I've got diamonds floating around me. Maybe put me in bathtub at somepoint with overdone eye makeup? I'm talking so overdone that the very memory of me will steal sleep from all that watch the video. Also, any chance we could hit the backup dancers with some horse tranquilizers, shrooms, and adderall all at once? It makes them all twitchy and weird, it'll look great!

Director: What? No! That's illegal! Jesus! Are you insane?

Lady Gaga: Oh, you sound like my cat when it talks to me. Oh! That gives me a great idea. Let's put a hairless cat in there somewhere! They are so cute! I also bought these glasses that look like they are already broken, and I really want to work them in. I figure I'll just do that in the opening 12 seconds when I'm playing with the Parrot Sharck. Hmmm, and aside from me setting a guy on fire and burning him to death using only my mind, I think that's it! What do you think Francis?

Director: Are you joking? That sounds like the most retarded idea for a music video ever. I would become the laughing stock of the town. I stick to my values! I got into this business to create art, not a cross between a Frankenstein, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and soft-core porn. No, no, a thousand times no!

Lady Gaga: What if I let us gratuitiously plug an alchohol, like Nemiroff?

Director: Ok, deal.

One Week Later > Batshit insanity is released on the world.