You're Staying, Too!?! - A Guide to Summers in Providence

You've done it! Whether it be to take classes, perform research, work a job, sell drugs, or do absolutely nothing, you're staying in Providence for the summer! However, Providence is a very different place in the summer than it is during the school year. Luckily, if you were worried about these differences and how you could possibly deal with them, I've assembled a little guide to explain the differences and how to adjust.

1. High Schoolers - With summers at Colleges comes summer programs. With summer programs come high schoolers. Should you be approached by group of High Schoolers, put your head down, don't make eye contact, and avoid mentioning Entourage (guys) or One Tree Hill (girls). In a worst case scenario, they find out that you are a college student, and want to ask you some borderline retarded questions about school. (Do you buy the books for your classes? Are there boys in this school? When is the curfew? Are you allowed to drink alcohol here? Are there seasons here?). Simply remain calm, and don't strangle the little bastards to death. I've pioneered these foolproof ways to lose them.
(a) This is for guys to use. Tell them that they all seem really cool for high schoolers. Invite them to a house party and tell them to bring all the girls they know and not "too many dudes". Ask them if they know what rohypnol is. If someone correctly identifies it as roofies, tell them that it only does that to dudes and that girls can drink it with no effects. Anyone left listening to you after that, is batshit insane and you should run.
(b) For girls to use if this high schooler is a guy. Tell him how awesome it is to finally have someone to talk to. Launch into story where you tell him all about how you want to get married to a guy like him and give him details about the wedding ("I'm gonna have six maids of honor, but he can only have one best man."). Explain that you just got out of a relationship with a guy. Well, you guys weren't technically going out, but you could tell he wanted you. Let the high schooler know how stupid you think restraining orders are ("I mean I should be able to see who I want when I want, right?"). Explain how you mail this guy bits of your hair for him to remember you by. By now he should be making up an excuse to run far away from you.
(c) For girls to use on girls. Explain how cool you think these girls are and how you are so disappointed you can't find anyone who is that cool in college for you to talk to. Explain it's not that you are unpopular. It's just all these girls at school just don't get you. It helps to start hysterically crying right now. Let them know that you know they aren't like that. They'll never leave you alone. Try to make them promise that you guys will be best friends forever. When they do this, immediately switch to uncontrollable giggles. Ask for their number ("So we can text!"). They should be long gone. (Note: This can backfire horribly i.e. "Oh my god, it's like we are the same person!". So use at your own risk.)

2. Work - So tomorrow's a weekday. You can totally go out, right. Oh wait, unless you are taking classes for the summer, you have a job to get to. Unlike class, which is relatively easy to blow off and where it's rarely noted that you smell of sangria and bad decisions, when you work there are people who notice if you aren't there and chances are your boss knows the smell of Keystone and Karkoff. Research job? Try staring at a computer screen or microfilm projector hung over. It does loads for that headache and by loads I mean makes it feel like there is a small man pounding nails into the back of your retinas. This means either you reel it in or, if you love to party, you get great at concealing it. As everyone knows I like to party. So showers and teeth brushing are important. Even if you are late, don't skip these steps. Also, invest in a pair of sunglasses. Key for if you are doing research or have a job that involves a lot of glowing screen. If you stayed up late and are dragging hard (yawning etc.) explain that you are babysitting your small nephew. You love the little tyke, but golly does he keep you up with his crying.

3. House Parties = Win - Summer is a time for house parties. Most people are living in apartments and houses so they are no longer bound by the universities tyrannical vendetta against kegs. This guarantees plenty more alcohol. Early on, you may mistake these parties as a pre-game as they might be during the year. FALSE. You will be horrified to find a very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation that many of your favorite nightspots have undergone. Spats is now constantly dead, albeit that can be remedied if you bring a large enough crew. Liquid is now full of seedy townies who will, if given the opportunity, explain to you the difference between manslaughter and homicide ("See if I had meant to run the red light and hit him, it woulda been homicide. Since i didn't, I only got two years."). You'll realize seconds after walking into a deserted Fish Co. that everything is actually coated in fine "roofie dust". Marley's... well, it hasn't changed. No one goes during the summer, either. After making these foolhardy journeys, you'll realize you should have never left that party where everyone was gathered around reading the funny words on the side of the natty boxes. (Nataboy- What you hear when you bring natty to a party.) For these reasons,I suggesting designating one or more places to be "Late Night" as somewhere to go after the first party. This way, if you hear someone say, "We are going to bars!" you can shake your head knowingly. The fools.

4. OMAC Space - The other thing about summer is that everyone decides its a time for exercise. What does that mean for you? Quite simply it means the OMAC becomes a whirling clusterfuck of activity. While girls wait in 2 person deep lines for the elliptical, dudes participate in games of 8 on 8 basketball on the courts (there is a reason for 5 on 5 basketball). The track will be full of girls walking with their friends 5 abreast and tough guys screaming at you for being in their lane during their bad ass 20 meter sprint. You'll see kids playing hacky sack, try not to giggle at the dudes doing flips on the mats for absolutely no reason, and hear the gestapo-esque commands being barked out by the spin class instructor. The sensory overload will probably prove too much for you and make you break down and cry. Till you realize you can just go to a green or do something outside. Oh... Yeah...

Well there it is. So long as you can avoid statutory rape throughout the summer, you should be all set and know all you need to know about summers in Providence. Remember, what happens in Providence stays in Providence.

Except herpes. That shit will come back with you.