My Early Literary Genius

I was recently perusing through a stack of my books when I came across something interesting. The year 2000's edition of Aroostook County's own Cat-Tales and Pussy Willows. Cat-Tales and Pussy Willows is a soft cover book with the literary work of middle schoolers all over the county. This book is sponsored by the Young Author's Association which has in place a contest to decide which stories make it. I was fortunate enough to be selected the winner from my competitive class of 13 kids in the 5th grade.

I reviewed my story to find a revolutionary tale of trust, companionship, danger, adventure, action, responsibility, and ethics. Here in its unabridged, Proust-esque original format, I give you that tale.
[Note: I will providing author's commentary in the brackets.]

The Beginning of the End?

The Present Day - Nov. 1st, 2025. The earth's core has been disrupted by the space weapon called "Operation Irritation". The weapon let loose energy that disrupted the earth's core 26 years ago today. The earth is due to blow up tomorrow, but the Alliance has built a time machine. They will send two of the Army's finest (Officer's Caleb and Rick) back in time 26 years to Iraq, because they suspect Saddam Hussein built "Operation Irritation". Caleb and Rick will have one day to disable "Operation Irritation", and our story begins...

[Right off the bat the reader is immersed in a land of mystery. HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUTURE! Apparently humanity is way stupider in the future cause after the earth's core got disrupted, we sat on our ass for 26 years. Like all things evil in 1999, sure enough, it was that bastard Saddam Hussein, though if I remember correctly Bowser from Mario was in the running for being responsible. The name of the dreaded space weapon also strikes terror into the heart. Operation Irritation, so it makes you really itchy or talks loud on an airplane. Looks like our aptly named heroes have their work cut out for them. Let's read on.]

"Are you sure this is it?" Caleb said, gazing through the binoculars.

"Positive," said Rick, looking at the armored base.

"Well let's get to work."

"HOLD IT!" yelled Rick. "You are forgetting the fact that we are unarmed, and there are guards all over the place, and there is a force field that can burn through any type of matter. Didn't you pay attention during the briefing?" Before Caleb could answer, three guards surrounded them and pointed their shotguns at them.

[As we learn from this section of the story. Our protagonists are retarded. Looking back on it, it was very mature and forward thinking of a young me to make retarded people the center of the story. Forest Gump had come out 5 years previously. They brought no guns and apparently have no plan through getting through this oddly futuristic force field that totally exists in 1999. Fuck bringing shit from the future, we'll just show up and wing it. The danger happens cause the guards have the most lethal weapons, SHOTGUNS! *GASP* How on Earth will they get out of this one?]

Caleb got ready to fight, but Rick whispered, "Wait until we're inside, then we'll escape." Sure enough, once they were inside the force field, they attacked. Caleb gave one guard a swift kick in the jaw that knocked him out. The guard fell on the other guard. That guard banged his head on the concrete and blacked out. The last guard was knocked out by a few or Rick's rabbit punches. After congratulating each other, they ran inside the building.

[The guards apparently have been taken from a James Bond movie and rather than killing them on the spot the guards take them exactly where they want to go and allow themselves to be overpowered by our 'special' heroes. Judging on how the second guard blacked out after hitting the floor, it's safe to assume that this facility is made of Bacardi 151 and Everclear. So I'm also not really sure what a rabbit punch is, but apparently they are bad-ass and totally fucked that third guard up. Also, our protagonists are very insecure and need to congratulate each other upon ever successful thing. I picture them slapping five in a very military manner.]

"It's huge," commented Caleb, staring at the huge space weapon known as "Operation Irritation". They found the control panel and deactivated the weapon.

Rick whispered in the communicator, "Mission accomplished. Send in the helicopters." Soon enough the helicopters blasted into the base and picked up Caleb and Rick

Sam Sheehan
Grade 5
Woodland Consolidated School

[If it were 7 years later Caleb would be walking right into a "That's what she said" joke. Also apparently this weapon was designed so if you deactivated it, you couldn't turn it back on. Stupid Iraqi engineers. Suck one Sayid! Also apparently, they had helicopters that could easily penetrate the force field at their beck and call. Fuck it, why use those when you can just wing it?]

Hopefully, you enjoyed this stunning piece of literature and are as indignant as me that it was shunned for the Pulitzer.