The fantasy sports world is abuzz over fantasy football's most important game and the storybook matchup that will be featured in the title bout. The Cinderella story of the Sheehan Shitpies are arguably the feel good story of the century, making Jason McElwain look like Pacman Jones. They have their work cut out for them, though, as they will be facing the powerhouse juggrenaut Delonte's Allstars coached by the infamous Daniel Klotz. What makes this matchup so interesting, is how universally one sided fan support appears to be in America. ESPN's Bill Simmons probably summed it up best.
"It's, no doubt, the story of good vs evil, corrupt vs pure, arrogant vs. humble. I have yet to talk to anyone who doesn't want to see the Shitpies pull this out by the end of Monday night."
The crazy emotional roller coaster that is the Shitpies season began earlier this fall, in their home city of Orphanville, when owner and team founder Mahatma Ghandi hired young, impressionable, coach Sam Sheehan to take the reigns of this young program and lead his team to victory. Unfortuanately, as we all now know, tradgedy struck during the final week of training camp, the stadium exploded.
"I had packed up early and had told [Offensive Coordinator Kevin] Poorman to have the guys finish drills. While I was driving home I heard the explosion, I was shocked I didn't know what to do...", Sheehan said of the incident, looking teary-eyed, but carrying a steely resolve ibehind the tears. "I realized later that this town (Orphanville had just suffered a death toll of several thousand in its latest tornado, hurricane, and nuclear meltdown triple-diasaster) needed its football team and, as coach, it was my job to provide that team and hope."
Sheehan then struck out on a mission vistinng every orphanage, homeless shelter, and leprecy clinic to recuit a team. "We only had time to get a few practices in, and true with our stadium gone we had to practice on the used needle dump, but I knew right off the bat we were something special." While playing the league's hardest schedule, (they would play the top half of the league twice) The Shitpies met up against the All-Stars twice. Once in week one and once in week ten. They lost both times.
"I credit Coach Klotz. He certainly has an unorthodox way of coaching, and it seems to pay off. I don't even mind that he threw scalding coffee in my eyes after both games instead of the customary handshake," said Sheehan of the only team to beat his misfits twice this season. Daniel Barbiter (Swahili for 'arrogant') Klotz is well known around the league for his ruthless attitude and narcissitic behavior.
"Let's get a couple things straight, I only coach for two reasons, to win and to make money." Klotz said in his now infamous post-game interview after advancing to the Super Bowl. "I'll stop coaching when I have enough money to laser engrave my visage on the moon, so the world never forgets my face and how much better i was at everything than everyone else. I will win every championship ever, because I am the best. Period."
"Of course I will continue to make my players takes steroids! I don't care if they are dead at 23, if they play for me, they are at their best. Also, I will continue to tape opponent's practices and threaten their families. Yes, the league knows about this. They can't do anything cause I am Danny Klotz and I am the best at everything." Klotz then had his team cool down by punting puppies and throttling senior citizens.
Coverage begins this Sunday on the NFL Network. If you don't have it, then fuck you.
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