If Edward Cullen were a real dude.

Phone Conversation between Edward and Bella. 2:46am

Edward: (away from the phone) Jasper just give the fucking shot to someone else, Bella is calling. (into phone) Hello?
Bella: Edward where the hell are you?
Edward: I'm out with Jasper and Emmett, like I said tonight when I left.
Bella: You said you'd be back by 12.
Edward: What does it matter? Why are you waiting up, so we can go to sleep together? Oh wait...
Bella: You are such an ass. You used to like watching me sleep.
Edward: When you slept, and you weren't putting out.
Bella: Charming, you are so drunk.
Edward: Are you being such a bitch cause I didn't invite your gay friend? Jason Brown or whatever? I said he could have one of my fakes. God knows I have gotten enough over the years. Just some of them are like 40 years expired. And you know... He's an Indian and I'm not.
Bella: It's Jacob, he's a Native American, and he's not gay.
Edward: Right, and the pope's protestant. No one grows their hair that long and dyes their teeth that white if they don't play for the other team.
Bella: Shut up Edward. You used to play piano, not sit around playing Halo all day. You used to care about me and Nessie.
Edward: 1.) I'm level 50, and one of the best Halo players in the world. You should be proud. 2.) And you used to be younger then me and smell like some kick-ass barbecue spare ribs, but you don't see me bitching.
Bella: (starts crying)
Edward: Yeah, go ahead cry, that's real mature. Jesus, what did you do slam a whole bottle of wine?
Bella: (sobbing) You can drink, so I can too.
Edward: Your supposed to be watching Nessie. Shit, we'll discuss this when I get home. Emmett's getting blacked out and he's totally gonna drink the blood of this girl who's totally busted.
Bella: I know what you are doing (hiccups). Reading the minds of those whores at the clubs just to get some ass. You cheating dick.
Edward: (away from phone) Jasper, I'm going to need you to calm her down when we get back. You know Alice and Rosalie don't pull this shit.
Bella: Fuck you, don't bother looking for me when you get back. I'll be at La Push.
Edward: Yeah, have fun straightening his hair. (hangs up)
Bouncer: 17, huh?
Edward: No, haha I was just playing.
Bouncer: Either way I see your body glitter in the strobes. That doesn't fly here. You're out.