The Wisdom of Granparents

I'm pretty excited about this post. It's been a long time in the making. You see, I have the best grandparents in the world. I'm sorry if you think you do, but you are just wrong. Around my freshman year of high school, I figured out just how unique my grandparents were and started recording some of their more notable quotes. What with the success of things like shit my dad says I feel the time is ripe to share these with the world. I've selected some of the best to put on this highlight reel. So sit back and enjoy some of their wisdome. We start with my most reasonable grandparent (Grammie Bagley) and move to my most eccentric (Grampie Sheehan).

Barbara Bagley (Mom's mom)

(on confusing me with my uncle)
"I don't know why I keep calling you Matthew, he looked much more manly at your age."

(on my grandfather's loss of hearing)
"NEIL! NEIL! If you are as deaf as him when you get older Sammy, check on your wife often to make sure she's not grabbing a belt to strangle you.

(on their Boston Terrier, Howie)
"I think he looks like that midget actor. What's his name? Gary Coleman, that's it!"

(on Twilight)
"I don't get it. Is she trying to kill him? Isn't he a vampire? It looks like he has sparkle herpes."

(on my best friend Devon)
"What a nice boy he is. He seems like he might be smarter than you."

Neil Bagley (Mom's dad)

(on hockey)
"Hockey's a great sport, but be careful. A lot of white supremacists watch hockey."

(on the Cubs)
"They aren't cursed. We were cursed. They've just sucked for a century."

(after watching one of my cross country races sophmore year of high school)
"Who is that Cape Elizabeth girl you like so much? That's what I thought! I was just talking to her dad. Bad news, though. When I said you were interested, he said she has a boyfriend."

(while watching CC Sabathia pitch against the Sox)
"I love it when professional athletes are fatter than me."

(while showing me his character on Everquest, the fantasy roleplaying computer game he plays)
"Look, I named my rogue Sam Henry! (the character is a giant rat) He's really good at sneaking around and stabbing backs! I wonder how long I've played him. (when he checks the time played is says a month and a half, as in 1008 hours.)

Susan Sheehan (Dad's Mom)

(0n our Border Terrier, Eddie)
"Oh my, her fur is so ratty. Let me give you some cream to rub in her fur."

(on social networking sites)
"Do you and your sister have that My Faces?"

(during the first Christmas dad brought mom home, while addressing my, at the time 16 year old, Uncle Mo and his zit.)
"Maurice, look at your face! You've got a great big thing on it. You are going to ruin Christmas!"

(on just plain uncomfortable topics)
"I'm not trying to put pressure on you Sam Henry, but I really want a great-grandchild before I pass on. I'm not saying you should go have random intercourse. Or that you shouldn't use protection. Just maybe you should get a girlfriend."

(on relationships, 5 days ago)
"Why don't you have a girlfriend, yet? Do they think you are ugly, or just annoying?"

Tom Sheehan (Dad's Dad)

(on philosiphy)
"Life's a just giant shitshoot, Sam. The trick is making most of it in the toilet."

(on Tom Brady)
"He looks awful. He can't throw the ball at all. He just looks tired. It's that supermodel girlfriend of his, she sucked the pudding right out of him.

(while picking up my dad from college with a 2 sheep in the back of the station wagon)
"Aw Jesus Christ, Billy. Don't be such a snot. I saw them in Old Town for a great deal. Just get in the car."

(during thanksgiving while looking out the window at my little cousins)
"Hey, Sue! I gave Dewey (11 at the time) the .22 to shoot some beer cans. He just handed it to Oliver (7 at the time) and I think he might drop it. Will you run out there and stop him? I got my slippers on."

(while cheering for me at any cross country race with a large crowd)
(yelling) "Go Sam! Don't you dare drag the family name through the mud again."

(on my losing the state cross country title by 5 seconds my senior year)
"Don't worry, Sam you'll probably only regret it for the rest of your life."

(on perseverance, while seemingly accidently insinuating that I'm ugly)
"You think you have it bad? Try being an ugly girl at a high school, sonny. I see it everyday, poor things, bawling their eyes out. Just be glad you are a boy."

(on the some of the best advice he ever gave me)
"Figure out what you want to do and just go do it. My father sold moonshine out of his wagon during the prohabition when he was 12. He knew he loved booze."

(on the Sheehan family line of succession)
"As my oldest grandson, I'm counting on you to clean the shit out of my pants when I get older. I think I pissed your dad and uncles off too much when they were younger."

(on my depression diagnosis)
"It's not that bad. Your grandmother had some depression. I'd come home from work and your dad and uncles (Dad is the oldest of 5) would be running around the house, tearing it apart. I'd find your grandmother upstairs sobbing and crying about wanting a baby girl. It was pretty funny."

(on being asked to leave Cornell after harrowing the dean's lawn with a tractor)
"I just didn't want to be there any more. So figured I'd go out with bang. That dean was a jerk."