My E-mail Inbox In 4 Years...Hopefully.

Dear Sam,

Ricky from College Humor here. I just wanted to let you know how appreciative we all are of you hanging with us for all these years. Remember when we first brought you on because of your gift with hunting down the funniest links. How long it’s been! I’m just really happy that after you got picked up by Entertainment Weekly for your hilarious articles, you stayed on writing for CH weekly. The videos that you made for us are still the number 1 viewed on you tube and have helped keep our channel ‘most viewed’ and ‘most subscribed’. I’ll admit when you teamed up and started making videos with Michael Swaim and Derrick Comedy, I was nervous you might leave us. However, you have kept up the quality work for all four of these great years. Thanks so much, from myself and the rest of the staff.

You’re the man,
Ricky

Dear Mr. Sheehan,

I’d first like to congratulate you on the amazing years by the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox. To be the General Manager of all three teams must leave you quite busy, and to have experienced championship and record breaking seasons with each team speaks to your in-depth knowledge and negotiation skills. In particular, your acquisitions of Dwight Howard, Roy Halladay, Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer, Chris Carpenter, Alex Ovechkin, and Sidney Crosby, while converting the latter two to play with Savard on the same line were all sheer brilliance.
I’m actually calling you to see if you would be interested in a job we have opening up here in Foxboro. As you know our Patriots’s GM job has been in question ever since the questionable decision to leave the defensive secondary in the hands of players whose total skill points on Madden are lower than Justin Bieber’s age. I was hoping that you, with your insightful and accurate knowledge of the sport along with your hard-nose negotiation skills, might be interested in the job. I understand you must be very busy, especially given your recent offers to manage Arsenal and coach Gonzaga’s basketball program. However, I will pay handsomely for your services and I hope you will consider my offer.

Sincerely,
Robert Kraft.


Dear Sam,

Hi Sam, this is Demetri Martin, we met at the Funniest Man in America awards show. First off, congratulations man. You totally deserve it after that sold out Madison Square Garden show. That bit you do about boners being the natural enemy of hugs was hysterical. The whole show was, for that matter. I was actually writing to see if you would be interested in doing a movie with me. I really haven’t been in the movie game since Taking Woodstock. I was hoping that you and Jason Siegel might be interested in helping me write and produce a new movie. I know you guys are really close after he called you his best friend in the world in that Entertainment Weekly article. I understand if you think this is beneath you, I mean if my first screenplay broke every box office record and won five statues , I’d be a hesitant to do something like this. (By the way, Romance Fail is one of my favorite movies of all time, your Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay statues are particularly well deserved.) If you and Jason are interested, just shoot me back an email and we can start bouncing ideas around.

Thanks,
Demetri

P.S. Do you think you can bring this up to Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow? I know they both love you and might be interested in doing this with us.

To Mr. Sam Sheehan

I hope this letter finds you in good health. This is Juliet with Armani men’s wear. First off Girgio and everyone here would like to say how impressed we are with your bold looks you’ve put out on the market. We never thought the grey hoodie would be chic again, but the confidence with which you wear your pristine wardrobe has been turning heads to say the least. We know you already have offers from Sean John, but we hope that might consider our own offer. We would love to create and carry your own Sam Sheehan line of hoodies and fashionably stained jeans. The craze would sweep America and we at Armani men’s wear would be the only ones who could handle such a volume. We were thinking the line’s tagline could be “Successfully Casual, Successfully Comfortable, Successfully Sexy” though we are totally open to other ideas. If you could write back with a time when we could sit down and talk business, I would be extremely grateful to you .

Sincerely,
Juliet Lockner

Yo my man!

Hey dude, great workout yesterday. I understand why you had to burn me on that last repeat. Gotta prep for those Olympics, huh? So I was talking to Ritz, Hall, Meb and some of the other guys. We were thinking of heading up to Colorado to train at elevation for a while. I understand if you can’t make it, as you’re such a busy dude. But we’d really appreciate it if you came out. We really need someone faster than us to push the intervals. Hopefully Lagat doesn’t have you doing mile training with him already (I know you two do that a lot.). Just something to think about. We can talk more this Sunday on the long run. I’m thinking 28 this week. Alright, later man

Your main man,
Galen

Dear Mr. Sheehan,

We here at the Jimmy Fund would like to thank you so much for helping us put on this charity music festival in Boston. We are predicting to raise at least 4 million in cancer research and it’s all thanks to you. We can’t thank you enough for getting all of these great bands to turn out for this three-day event. I just wanted to run through the list of performers one more time just to make sure we have it down.
Coldplay, The Killers, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, T-Pain, Daft Punk, Tiesto, Bloc Party, Arcade Fire, Phoenix, Akon, Maroon 5, Motion City Soundtrack, Dashboard Confessional, The Fray, Iron and Wine, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Ben Folds, Rhianna, Say Anything, MGMT, Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Panic at the Disco, Timbaland, Hellogoodbye, Great Big Sea, Beyonce, Weezer, Guster, Bon Iver, Death Cab for Cutie, Jack Johnson, The Smiths, Barenaked Ladies, and Nickelback.
Just kidding on that last one, we’re trying to prevent cancer after all, not cause it. Just another fact check, are we leading off with Bloc Party and closing with a joint Killers-Coldplay show? I think that’s the way you had planned it, but I just wanted to make sure. We can’t begin to tell you how much this means to us, you getting all of these big names to play for charity. I know that you, Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers and Kele Okereke are all really good friends and hit the clubs together on the weekends. Could you please thank them so much for their kindness? One last time, thank you so much and email me back if anything here isn’t correct.

With gratitude,

Jessica Neason
Director of Activities
The Jimmy Fund


Hi,

I know you are usually supposed to wait three days or whatever, but I really want to see you again, so I figure that I could bend the rules this time. I just wanted to say I had the greatest time of my life last night. I mean I never knew anyone could cook the way you do. I go to restaurants where they say , “This is the best dish in the world Miss Bell!”, but that veal you made was hands down the best I’ve ever had in my life. I was hoping we could meet up soon. Maybe, discuss where you learned to dance the way to you do! I felt just like a princess in a movie. Or, if you don’t feel like divulging your secrets, maybe you could teach me to play piano. I don’t know how you write songs as pretty as the one you played for me last night. I probably could have paid a little more attention to the piano playing if I wasn’t laughing all night. No one has ever made me laugh that much in one night. So thanks for raising my standards so much, jerk. Seriously, give me a call sometime in the next few days. I can’t wait to hear from you.

Love,
Kristen

Sam,

You are cool enough to hang out with me now. I’ll text you later with the details. You bring the booze, and I’ll bring the bitches.

Bruce Braine