You heard it here first, girls, uggos are the new "in" guy. Sure, you may think you are only attracted to attractive guys, but let me break it down for you. Say you hook up with good-looking guy. You are on cloud-nine, next stop good mood town. But then, you let your mind wander back to something he said as he was leaving this morning. "Thanks, that was one of the most fun times I ever had". One of? Not the best? And usually guys lie about that stuff... That must mean he's had a lot more that were better than me... Was he was settling for me? One train of thought later you're two pints of cherry garcia deep and nothing's stopping the tears.
Now let's take the uggo hook up. Rather than have to think of something funny and work up the courage to walk over to the cute guy, all the uggo needs is some casual eye contact. What was your expression? Disgust? Rolled eyes? Blank stare followed by a quick look away to pretend the eye contact never happened? Doesn't matter, you gave him eye contact and that's the biggest opening he'll get all night. Now, rather than have to abandon your friends and put effort into being flirty, you'll have the uggo standing behind 3 feet behind you all night. This way, you can be part of the complaining when Trina hooks up in the bar with that boy who's been jerking her around, ("She's so dumb! Whatever, I'm done trying to help her.") and then turn around pull your hook up out the door with you when you leave. You're in total control of what time you guys go home.
The next morning you don't get any of that "one of the best" bullshit. You are the best. You don't need him to tell you. Like this cross between John Beluchi and Gollum is ever going to get with anyone better than you. Fat chance. You'll live on in his mind as the best girl he ever had, and blow any swamp creatures in his future out of the water. Settling? Like hell you were settling. You set out that night to bag an uggo, mission accomplished.
And this isn't even where ugly dudes really come up big. Sure, walking out in control and on top in a hookup is awesome, but imagine doing it EVERY DAY. That's right! Uggos make even better husbands! If you are looking for examples of what make them such great husbands, hold on to your hats, cause it's a laundry list.
If they are ugly, chances are that things like friends and social gatherings didn't happen all that much for them. This means plenty of extra time on their hands. What to do with that time? Either focus on how ugly they are, or do something constructive. For this reason alot of ugly guys are really good at something. Whether it be carpentry, accounting, or picking the locks on your doors so he can watch you sleep, the uggos have skills that can ensure that you and your children will have some bank to live on.
Speaking of the children, yet another perk of having the busted husband. You will always be the looks in the family. Now your kids will probably be considerably better looking than your husband (I mean, they are YOUR kids after all.), but if any of his repulsive genes manage to wiggle their way in, which is pretty likely, they'll bring your children down to at least average. You know that Fountains of Wayne song "Stacey's Mom"? That's you! When surrounded by your not-hot spawn and genuinely hideous husband, you instantly become MILF of the year. (Warning: If for some reason your daughter somehow escapes the touch of her father's genes, there is a chance she could eventually be prettier than you. For damage control, keep her head shaved and limit her wardrobe to frump.)
Having a bad day? Take it out on the husband. He still can't believe you said yes when he proposed with a ring pop in front of his favorite arcade version of Pacman, and as a result is terrified that any second you will realize your mistake and leave him. So, capitalize! Really let loose and channel that negativity into him. He won't fight back out of fear of losing you, after countless flagpole wedgies in high school he is used to the abuse, and you will feel loads better. Win-Win-Win.
Well, there it is. If that's not a convincing enough case for you, I don't know what is. Now get out there and find a Quasimodo of your very own. Christmas is a time for love, ladies, haven't you seen Love Actually?
Blogger and its employees would like to remind the readership that the opinions of this blog are strictly those of the author. Again, as we email you every week, all hate mail should be sent to shnts11@gmail.com. Blogger apologizes to anyone who may have been offended by this entry and does not condone ugly marriage.
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