At the time I am writing this, I am 1-7 in predicting postseason games. Football has been a cruel mistress and this has served to remind me why I have never gambled on sports. The Ravens pulled a self destruction with turnovers and penalties, the Cowboys let Tony Romo suck dirt all game, and I just finished watching the Chargers O choke to death on the bad decisions of Phillip Rivers.
BUT, the one game I did get correct is regarding the Saints. Their defense shut up critics by holding the potent Cardinals defense to 14 points and Reggie Bush took advantage of the worst playoff defense to put together a neat little highlight reel. That's more or less what I said about the game, so I'm going to continue writing up previews of games like I have a vague idea of what I'm talking about.
Real Talk
Coming into the playoffs (barring the fireworks of the Giants game) the Vikings looked like a team that was apathetic and on the way out. There was controversy surrounding Childress's call to pull Favre from a losing effort. Adrian Peterson was getting no help from the Vikings weak O-line, and the Vikings defense couldn't seem to find the swagger that had won them so many games early in the year. But a return to the home dome seemed to be just what the doctor ordered for the ailing Vikes, when they embarrassed a Cowboys team that was the hottest team in the playoffs coming in. Tony Romo was beat to shit and the Cowboys pass rush never seemed to get to Brett Farve. Suddenly, the Vikings look like a team who can beat anyone and are heading to the NFC Championship game.
Speaking of suddenly generating themselves some momentum, the other team in the NFC Championship game are those New Orleans Saints, dismantling the Cardinals in their own home dome and suddenly, that three game losing streak is a thing of the past. Now the seemingly inevitable scenario of Vikings-Saints playing for NFC dominance is all too real and it's looking like it's going to be a down-to-the-wire contest. I'd just like to point out, however, how this week's games have served as a reminder of how big an advantage playing in a home dome is (I realize I have used the term home dome 3 times) with all three of the dome teams playing at home winning.
Viking O Saints D- All of last week the talk about the Saint Cards game was what a shootout the game would be. I didn't buy it. This week, the chance of the game unfolding in an offensive showdown is much more real. As a defense that loves to play to generate turnovers, the Saints D are going to need to capitalize on each and every Vikings mistake because this offense doesn't make many. Farve uncharacteristically threw the least interceptions of any QB in the league this year, and though Peterson had some fumble issues earlier this year, those seem to be a thing of the past. The best news, if you are the Vikings, was the play of the offensive line, who had been putrid at the end of the season, but stifled the Dallas pass rush and contained the ever dangerous Demarcus Ware. This Viking offense is the real deal, and the Saints are going to have their hands full. If you are the Vikings, you need to take care of the ball, Farve needs to keep up that wonderful not-throwing-picks thing he has going, and you have to remember that you have one of the most prolific running backs in the league in Adrian Peterson. I know he hasn't had the record breaking year he had last year, but he can still be that work horse who keeps you in games and given this relatively strong Saints secondary, you are going to need him. If you are the Saints D, you need to take advantage of the crowd noise you will have and make turnovers and incompletions happen. If your D-line can get to Brett Farve, who isn't terribly mobile and start knocking him down, you're going to cause him to rush so throws and give guys like Sharper a chance to make plays. Also, the Saints can't let Peterson hit his stride or he could control the tempo of the game and keep that potent Saint O off the field.
Saints O Vikings D- This is Vikings defense that is feeling great and has never looked better. Unfortunately for them, they are about to run into the best offensive unit in the NFL. The Saints Offensive line is ranked 3rd and should give the Vikings defensive line much more of a challenge then the Cowboys lackluster line of last game. Drew Brees is playing better than any other QB in the league and will be able to make the quick reads that Romo couldn't. He has better receivers who will be able to match up with the Vikings secondary better. The key if you are the Saints is going to be protecting Drew Brees's blindside, and letting him pick apart this Vikings secondary that really isn't that good. If you are Vikings D, you want to protect the slot options and give your D line some time to get there and get some sacks on Brees.
Bottom line: I know the Vikings D is good, but I think this good Saints O line paired with the good decisions of Drew Brees are going to allow the Saints to score 21+. I think the Superdome's twelfth man will make this young Vikings offense confused and though they will score, they will also make some critical mistakes.
Saints by 10.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Counter/Plea for Readership And That Fucking Puppet
Well children, it's finally here. I decided that I have carried on and put enough effort into this blog, to convince myself that I won't grow tired of it and just stop writing in it. So today, I finally installed my little hit counter you may be able to see at the bottom. I didn't think my readership was significant enough to warrant it until now, but I am very excited to begin progress toward my endgoal with this blog. What goal is that you may ask?
Aside from serving as a much needed creative outlet and a way to keep my attention-whore cravings under control, the objective of this blog is for me to eventually have it become relevant and legitimate enough to help me attain some sort of employment or internship with one of the frontrunners in the internet's comedy community (College Humor, Cracked, The Onion, etc). With the hit counter I will have a concrete number to show potential employers and hopefully it will be and impressive one. I would be forever in your debt, dear readers, were you to take any of my posts that you find particularly funny or amusing and forward them on to your friends. I realize this is quite a bit of faith I'm putting in the word-of-mouth system, but hopefully it pans out and your help is very much appreciated. Now that I'm done begging, onward to the meat of this post.
When one finds themselves with a particularly large amount of time on their hands, as I often do, they tend spend that time working on something that they have always been self-conscious of. Though I have always greatly enjoyed music, until most recently, I always felt genuinely lost whenever someone brought up music and were discussing well known bands that I, quite frankly, had never heard of. As a result, my spare time (there is quite a bit of it) that is not devoted to this blog is mostly devoted to cultivating my Last Fm and Pandora. With fantastic music tools as these, I'm digging up all sorts of music and for the first time feel relatively in touch with the musical community.
Now, being a ravenous fan of Bloc Party, The Killers, and Coldplay, (I've already seen The Killers live, but would commit homicide for tickets to the former or latter.) Last Fm and Pandora had a tendency to recommend a band by the name of Interpol. Aside from their song PDA being featured on Rock Band 2, I had never heard of them before. I wasn't disappointed, but at the same time, wasn't impressed with what I heard.
As my musical tastes became more and more solidified in the eyes of Last Fm and Pandora, Interpol continued to make appearances as a listened to my radio stations. Last week I was giving Interpol's most popular song, Evil, a listen and something fell into place.
I was hooked. In the past week I've listened to the song 37 times, which I'll admit is a bit excessive. Here is where this story takes a tragic turn for the worse. I decide that since I'm so infatuated with the song, I must go on You Tube and search for the music video. Unfortunately, I found it and my life will never be the same again.
That is....without a doubt... the scariest fucking thing... that I have ever seen.... in my entire life....
WHAT THE FUCK, INTERPOL!?! When you went in for your first day of shooting, did you think, "Let's make the most terrifying puppet that this world has ever seen and have it dancing and singing. Like, I want this puppet stare into your soul."
Here is a good rule of thumb for puppet making. Puppets should not have fucking teeth... ever.
OH MY GOD! THROW THE CHILDREN AT IT! MAYBE THAT WILL BUY US TIME!
Notice how in their video, the audience recognizes that the puppets are acting strangely? Well that makes us feel more comfortable. Your insistence to have the emergency workers act like the puppet is not the most terrifying thing they will ever lay eyes on, makes it even more surreal and creepy than it needs to be.
I'm sorry for ,ringing this puppet into your lives America, but now we get to what I've been building to. I figured I'd try to create a way to desensitize people to the terrifying visage of this puppet. After a half hour on Face and Hole, the fruit of my labor was ripe. Ladies and Gentleman I give you the Cavalcade of Terrifying Puppet Face.
(Note: play this in the background as you scroll down.)
Beneath the Chuck Norris puppet face beard is another puppet face
Edward holding himself
I appear to have forgotten to replace Tobey Maguire in this one.
And I bet the women would still kill to bed him.
"I've come to stop you Joke...Wooaah! Nevermind, keep murdering innocents."
This looks strangely correct.
Man, Clooney looks younger.
HOLY SHIT! GIVE IT THE FUCKING RING!
I don't even know what to say about this.
Aside from serving as a much needed creative outlet and a way to keep my attention-whore cravings under control, the objective of this blog is for me to eventually have it become relevant and legitimate enough to help me attain some sort of employment or internship with one of the frontrunners in the internet's comedy community (College Humor, Cracked, The Onion, etc). With the hit counter I will have a concrete number to show potential employers and hopefully it will be and impressive one. I would be forever in your debt, dear readers, were you to take any of my posts that you find particularly funny or amusing and forward them on to your friends. I realize this is quite a bit of faith I'm putting in the word-of-mouth system, but hopefully it pans out and your help is very much appreciated. Now that I'm done begging, onward to the meat of this post.
When one finds themselves with a particularly large amount of time on their hands, as I often do, they tend spend that time working on something that they have always been self-conscious of. Though I have always greatly enjoyed music, until most recently, I always felt genuinely lost whenever someone brought up music and were discussing well known bands that I, quite frankly, had never heard of. As a result, my spare time (there is quite a bit of it) that is not devoted to this blog is mostly devoted to cultivating my Last Fm and Pandora. With fantastic music tools as these, I'm digging up all sorts of music and for the first time feel relatively in touch with the musical community.
Now, being a ravenous fan of Bloc Party, The Killers, and Coldplay, (I've already seen The Killers live, but would commit homicide for tickets to the former or latter.) Last Fm and Pandora had a tendency to recommend a band by the name of Interpol. Aside from their song PDA being featured on Rock Band 2, I had never heard of them before. I wasn't disappointed, but at the same time, wasn't impressed with what I heard.
As my musical tastes became more and more solidified in the eyes of Last Fm and Pandora, Interpol continued to make appearances as a listened to my radio stations. Last week I was giving Interpol's most popular song, Evil, a listen and something fell into place.
I was hooked. In the past week I've listened to the song 37 times, which I'll admit is a bit excessive. Here is where this story takes a tragic turn for the worse. I decide that since I'm so infatuated with the song, I must go on You Tube and search for the music video. Unfortunately, I found it and my life will never be the same again.
That is....without a doubt... the scariest fucking thing... that I have ever seen.... in my entire life....
WHAT THE FUCK, INTERPOL!?! When you went in for your first day of shooting, did you think, "Let's make the most terrifying puppet that this world has ever seen and have it dancing and singing. Like, I want this puppet stare into your soul."
Here is a good rule of thumb for puppet making. Puppets should not have fucking teeth... ever.
OH MY GOD! THROW THE CHILDREN AT IT! MAYBE THAT WILL BUY US TIME!
Alright, Interpol, it's time for you to take a lesson from the masters of the music industry, Coldplay. When they did their video for Life in Technicolor ii, they also used puppets. The difference here is that their music video doesn't haunt my dreams and make me cry blood. The first big thing they did is keep their puppets from looking like something Satan would give as a Christmas gift. Not creepy, you know?
Or at least considerably less creepy.
Notice how in their video, the audience recognizes that the puppets are acting strangely? Well that makes us feel more comfortable. Your insistence to have the emergency workers act like the puppet is not the most terrifying thing they will ever lay eyes on, makes it even more surreal and creepy than it needs to be.
I'm sorry for ,ringing this puppet into your lives America, but now we get to what I've been building to. I figured I'd try to create a way to desensitize people to the terrifying visage of this puppet. After a half hour on Face and Hole, the fruit of my labor was ripe. Ladies and Gentleman I give you the Cavalcade of Terrifying Puppet Face.
(Note: play this in the background as you scroll down.)
Beneath the Chuck Norris puppet face beard is another puppet face
Edward holding himself
I appear to have forgotten to replace Tobey Maguire in this one.
And I bet the women would still kill to bed him.
"I've come to stop you Joke...Wooaah! Nevermind, keep murdering innocents."
This looks strangely correct.
Man, Clooney looks younger.
HOLY SHIT! GIVE IT THE FUCKING RING!
I don't even know what to say about this.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A Little Sports Talk- Saints Cardinals Preview
Fan Take
At first glance, I couldn't really convince myself one way or the other on this game. I really didn't care much about it. The Cardinals failed to stop the Steelers from winning the Superbowl last year, and the Saints handed us our most resounding ass kicking of the year. So aside from Marques Colston being a regular starter on my fantasy team, I really am not a huge fan of either team.
Then I realized something, and I want my fellow Pats fans to come with me on this one. The number of AFC Superbowl wins over the last 9 years vs the NFC's wins. AFC wins 7 (Pats 3, Steelers 2, Colts/Ravens 1), NFC wins 2 (Buccaneers/Giants 1). While it's awesome for us to keep bringing up how much more awesome the AFC is than the NFC, even if the NFC won this year, they would have less the half of the titles the AFC has in the past 10 years. And the AFC would still be clearly superior.
Now, let's take a look at the teams left with a chance to win the Superbowl and how I as a Pats fan feel about them. Colts (loathe with the passion of a thousand suns), Jets and Chargers (genuine dislike as explained in my post on their game), Vikings (Fuck Brett Farve for fucking us over on the playoffs last year), Cowboys (are evil), Ravens (back to back years of bouncing us out of the playoffs, albeit different means), and the Saints and Cardinals (apathetic).
I actively don't want 5 of the remaining teams to win the Super Bowl. I probably wouldn't like the Ravens winning either, as I'm bitter about my playoff losses. That means that the only way that this Superbowl won't be incredibly painful for me, is for the Cardinals or the Saints to win. The Cardinals have already proved to me that they can't be trusted to stop a hated team from winning the Super Bowl and, to be perfectly honest, if they were to win the Superbowl it would just suck because they really aren't good. Like really, the fucking Cardinals?
I guess that just leaves the Saints. I know that they handed us an embarrassing loss, and that sucks, but in a way we as Pats fans can kind of identify with them. Unlike the bitchy Colts, who sat their starters in a bullshit attempt to take some sort of moral high ground over the Pats, the Saints handled their shot at the perfect season the way we did. No mercy, and crushing opponents until they genuinely lost. And can we really hate on a Saints team we are going to meet once every four years? The big reason why I think that Pats fans should give the Saints their support is that should the Ravens let the Colts get their momentum back, this Saints team is really the only team left I think is capable of stopping them. For that reason, I want the Saints to avoid the upset this weekend and continue along to win the Superbowl. Ugh, this is gonna be tough, but...go saints.... ick.
If you can do this to us, don't fucking lose to the Colts.
Real Talk
The talking heads on ESPN and NFL network are all crying upset about this game. I don't buy it. Saints might have lost their last three games, but unlike the Colts losses, I think the Saints took it as a humbling experience rather than something to get upset and panic about. I think they will show up Saturday ready to play and if that happens, the Cardinals don't really have a shot. I know this is a Cardinal team that upset its way into the Superbowl last year, but remember how they ended their regular season. They limped in on a losing streak, and went on to win the NFC championship game. Cardinals are a great passing team, but i don't see Beanie Wells or Hightower having huge games not to mention that the Arizona defense is the worst in the playoffs. The Saints not only have a great passing game, but a defense that scored 8 defensive touchdown this season, not to mention that they were 2nd in generating turnovers.
Cardinals O-Saints D
This is a high powered Cardinals passing game that proved last week that they can win shootouts. Kurt Warner looked fantastic, picking apart a very solid GB defense with 5 TDs and no INTs. Breaston and Fitzgerald are dangerous wide receivers and Doucet proved last week that he deserves some attention from the Saints' secondary. Beanie Wells averaged nearly 6 yards a rush, but if the Saints keep the passing game in check, things should be nowhere near as easy for Wells. The key to this matchup is one thing and one thing only. Turnovers. It's what the Saints defense does and it's what the Cardinals offense struggled with all year. For the Cards, Kurt Warner has got to make smart passes and trust his receivers to make tough catches. He can't put the ball where this potent Saints secondary can make a play on it, or they will make him pay. The receivers and RB's also have to hold on to the ball as the Saints are always looking to strip the ball. For the Saints D, they have to capitalize on the Cards mistakes and keep the passing game in check. They can't drop picks and they can't give up home run balls to the Cardinals receivers. The Cards are going to get yards, but creating turnovers or holding them to FGs is what is going to win this for the Saints. If the Saints can hold them to 24 points or under, they've done a great job in my book.
Saints O- Cardinals D
A huge mismatch, this is going to be an uphill battle for this Cardinals defense. This is a well-oiled, potent Saints offense. Drew Brees is an outstanding QB with all kinds of weapons at his disposal. Reggie Bush is a huge weapon when he's in the open field, and with Pierre Thomas healthy again, the Saints have options at RB. To be honest, outside of lackluster and apathetic play from the entire Saints O, I don't see the Cards D slowing them down at all. They will have to rely on some lucky breaks and just do their best to contain the Saints. If they can somehow keep the Saints under 28, this Arizona D will have done what it needs. For the Saints, they need to have a short memory and go out there and play like the last month of football never happened. If they play with confidence, they should have a field day with this Arizona defense.
Bottom Line:
Arizona is known for upsets and the Saints looked terrible coming into the playoffs, but the mismatch between the 'zona D and Saints offense is just too pronounced.
Saints by 17
At first glance, I couldn't really convince myself one way or the other on this game. I really didn't care much about it. The Cardinals failed to stop the Steelers from winning the Superbowl last year, and the Saints handed us our most resounding ass kicking of the year. So aside from Marques Colston being a regular starter on my fantasy team, I really am not a huge fan of either team.
Then I realized something, and I want my fellow Pats fans to come with me on this one. The number of AFC Superbowl wins over the last 9 years vs the NFC's wins. AFC wins 7 (Pats 3, Steelers 2, Colts/Ravens 1), NFC wins 2 (Buccaneers/Giants 1). While it's awesome for us to keep bringing up how much more awesome the AFC is than the NFC, even if the NFC won this year, they would have less the half of the titles the AFC has in the past 10 years. And the AFC would still be clearly superior.
Now, let's take a look at the teams left with a chance to win the Superbowl and how I as a Pats fan feel about them. Colts (loathe with the passion of a thousand suns), Jets and Chargers (genuine dislike as explained in my post on their game), Vikings (Fuck Brett Farve for fucking us over on the playoffs last year), Cowboys (are evil), Ravens (back to back years of bouncing us out of the playoffs, albeit different means), and the Saints and Cardinals (apathetic).
I actively don't want 5 of the remaining teams to win the Super Bowl. I probably wouldn't like the Ravens winning either, as I'm bitter about my playoff losses. That means that the only way that this Superbowl won't be incredibly painful for me, is for the Cardinals or the Saints to win. The Cardinals have already proved to me that they can't be trusted to stop a hated team from winning the Super Bowl and, to be perfectly honest, if they were to win the Superbowl it would just suck because they really aren't good. Like really, the fucking Cardinals?
I guess that just leaves the Saints. I know that they handed us an embarrassing loss, and that sucks, but in a way we as Pats fans can kind of identify with them. Unlike the bitchy Colts, who sat their starters in a bullshit attempt to take some sort of moral high ground over the Pats, the Saints handled their shot at the perfect season the way we did. No mercy, and crushing opponents until they genuinely lost. And can we really hate on a Saints team we are going to meet once every four years? The big reason why I think that Pats fans should give the Saints their support is that should the Ravens let the Colts get their momentum back, this Saints team is really the only team left I think is capable of stopping them. For that reason, I want the Saints to avoid the upset this weekend and continue along to win the Superbowl. Ugh, this is gonna be tough, but...go saints.... ick.
If you can do this to us, don't fucking lose to the Colts.
Real Talk
The talking heads on ESPN and NFL network are all crying upset about this game. I don't buy it. Saints might have lost their last three games, but unlike the Colts losses, I think the Saints took it as a humbling experience rather than something to get upset and panic about. I think they will show up Saturday ready to play and if that happens, the Cardinals don't really have a shot. I know this is a Cardinal team that upset its way into the Superbowl last year, but remember how they ended their regular season. They limped in on a losing streak, and went on to win the NFC championship game. Cardinals are a great passing team, but i don't see Beanie Wells or Hightower having huge games not to mention that the Arizona defense is the worst in the playoffs. The Saints not only have a great passing game, but a defense that scored 8 defensive touchdown this season, not to mention that they were 2nd in generating turnovers.
Cardinals O-Saints D
This is a high powered Cardinals passing game that proved last week that they can win shootouts. Kurt Warner looked fantastic, picking apart a very solid GB defense with 5 TDs and no INTs. Breaston and Fitzgerald are dangerous wide receivers and Doucet proved last week that he deserves some attention from the Saints' secondary. Beanie Wells averaged nearly 6 yards a rush, but if the Saints keep the passing game in check, things should be nowhere near as easy for Wells. The key to this matchup is one thing and one thing only. Turnovers. It's what the Saints defense does and it's what the Cardinals offense struggled with all year. For the Cards, Kurt Warner has got to make smart passes and trust his receivers to make tough catches. He can't put the ball where this potent Saints secondary can make a play on it, or they will make him pay. The receivers and RB's also have to hold on to the ball as the Saints are always looking to strip the ball. For the Saints D, they have to capitalize on the Cards mistakes and keep the passing game in check. They can't drop picks and they can't give up home run balls to the Cardinals receivers. The Cards are going to get yards, but creating turnovers or holding them to FGs is what is going to win this for the Saints. If the Saints can hold them to 24 points or under, they've done a great job in my book.
Saints O- Cardinals D
A huge mismatch, this is going to be an uphill battle for this Cardinals defense. This is a well-oiled, potent Saints offense. Drew Brees is an outstanding QB with all kinds of weapons at his disposal. Reggie Bush is a huge weapon when he's in the open field, and with Pierre Thomas healthy again, the Saints have options at RB. To be honest, outside of lackluster and apathetic play from the entire Saints O, I don't see the Cards D slowing them down at all. They will have to rely on some lucky breaks and just do their best to contain the Saints. If they can somehow keep the Saints under 28, this Arizona D will have done what it needs. For the Saints, they need to have a short memory and go out there and play like the last month of football never happened. If they play with confidence, they should have a field day with this Arizona defense.
Bottom Line:
Arizona is known for upsets and the Saints looked terrible coming into the playoffs, but the mismatch between the 'zona D and Saints offense is just too pronounced.
Saints by 17
A Little Sports Talk- Ravens Colts Preview
Fan Take
Alright Baltimore, listen the fuck up. You owe us Patriots some fucking winning. You swiped our Wild-Card spot last year only to lose to the hated Steelers in the AFC Championship game and let them win the Superbowl. Here we are again, with you bouncing us from the playoffs, this time via an embarrassing spoiling of Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, please, please, PLEASE WITH FUCKING SUGAR ON TOP don't lose to the Colts. Outside of the Yankees (and a tie with the Steelers), there is no team that I hate more than the Colts and I feel like the rest of New England is with me. Maybe it's the way the commentators suck Peyton Manning's dick, or maybe the way he screams at his receivers for missing balls he clearly overthrew, but Peyton Manning is everything I hate in sports. Every time I see a Peyton Manning ad, I die a little inside. Luckily, his SNL appearance was hilarious!
Again, he was handed the MVP by the league who seem to collectively have their heads up their asses. Consider this.
Matt Schaub, whose offensive line is considerably worse than Peyton Mannings, (He was sacked nearly twice as often as Peyton, whose OL held him to the lowest amount of sacks in the NFL. Don't give that shit about quick reads, Manning always has all day in the pocket), had a higher completion percentage, a higher yards per throw average, twice as many 40+ yard plays, fewer INTs, a practically identical number of passing attempts, and a better QB rating. Peyton did have him beat on touchdowns, though, so he is the clear MVP winner. Say what you will about Peyton's team being 14-0 in games he played all the way through, his team has a defense and Schaub's doesn't. I'm not saying Schaub is the superior QB, all I'm saying is that he had a better season then Peyton did. Not to mention a Tennesee Titan by the name of Chirs Johnson had kind of a good season.
In summary, fuck the Colts, go Ravens.
Real Talk
This game has all the makings of an upset. Which is exactly why it probably won't be one. If there was ever a chance to beat the Colts, it's now. The starters are frustrated and upset that their coaches allowed perfection to escape them. They are playing a Baltimore team that has all of the momentum heading into this game, coming off a convincing win over the Patriots. Not to mention that when Baltimore faced them this season, they nearly pulled off spoiler. The only problem is how pungent the reek of upset is coming off this game. This is such an upset scenario that the Colts will have been prepared for it. As much as it kills me to say it, they are very well coached and the coaches likely have them settled down. This should still be a doozy of a game.
Ravens O-Colts D- Part of the reason I hate the Colts so much is how similar the two teams really are. So why fix what ain't broke? Dwight Freeney could be a problem for their offense, but if this line does anywhere near the job they did on Vince Wilfork and the rest of the Pats defense last week, Ray Rice should have another huge day. Colts aren't a great run D, so if you are Baltimore you do what you did last week, run run run. Flacco isn't Peyton, so it's important to get that early lead for your defense to protect. If you are the Colts, you need to protect against the run and make the Ravens throw the ball. That's where this team is weakest, and you might be able to cause a few turnovers.
Colts O- Ravens D- This is the big side of the ball in this game, and easily the most compelling matchup of the week. The story of this matchup is "Get to Peyton". If I'm the Ravens, I'm bringing Ray Lewis to Peyton Manning and trying to put the hurt on him. He's Peyton, so if he gets time, he will get the ball to the receiver regardless of the coverage you have on the receivers. In my opinion, Addai is sort of a non-factor. Joseph Addai is not going to be what wins this game for the Colts. You've got to get those linebackers involved if you are Baltimore, though. For the Colts, it's very simple. Let Peyton be Peyton. Pats couldn't let Brady be Brady against this Baltimore D and the result was 4 turnovers from our beloved QB. If Peyton gets time, the Colts are going to make a good Baltimore D look very silly.
Bottom Line
I can't help but let my feelings creep into this one. I think Peyton Manning will be looking at 4+ sacks, that Ray Rice will have 150+ and 2 TDs, and we Pats fans will have our blood.
Ravens by 4.
Alright Baltimore, listen the fuck up. You owe us Patriots some fucking winning. You swiped our Wild-Card spot last year only to lose to the hated Steelers in the AFC Championship game and let them win the Superbowl. Here we are again, with you bouncing us from the playoffs, this time via an embarrassing spoiling of Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, please, please, PLEASE WITH FUCKING SUGAR ON TOP don't lose to the Colts. Outside of the Yankees (and a tie with the Steelers), there is no team that I hate more than the Colts and I feel like the rest of New England is with me. Maybe it's the way the commentators suck Peyton Manning's dick, or maybe the way he screams at his receivers for missing balls he clearly overthrew, but Peyton Manning is everything I hate in sports. Every time I see a Peyton Manning ad, I die a little inside. Luckily, his SNL appearance was hilarious!
"Oh wait, that's right. I vomited in my mouth when I saw this."
Again, he was handed the MVP by the league who seem to collectively have their heads up their asses. Consider this.
Matt Schaub, whose offensive line is considerably worse than Peyton Mannings, (He was sacked nearly twice as often as Peyton, whose OL held him to the lowest amount of sacks in the NFL. Don't give that shit about quick reads, Manning always has all day in the pocket), had a higher completion percentage, a higher yards per throw average, twice as many 40+ yard plays, fewer INTs, a practically identical number of passing attempts, and a better QB rating. Peyton did have him beat on touchdowns, though, so he is the clear MVP winner. Say what you will about Peyton's team being 14-0 in games he played all the way through, his team has a defense and Schaub's doesn't. I'm not saying Schaub is the superior QB, all I'm saying is that he had a better season then Peyton did. Not to mention a Tennesee Titan by the name of Chirs Johnson had kind of a good season.
In summary, fuck the Colts, go Ravens.
Real Talk
This game has all the makings of an upset. Which is exactly why it probably won't be one. If there was ever a chance to beat the Colts, it's now. The starters are frustrated and upset that their coaches allowed perfection to escape them. They are playing a Baltimore team that has all of the momentum heading into this game, coming off a convincing win over the Patriots. Not to mention that when Baltimore faced them this season, they nearly pulled off spoiler. The only problem is how pungent the reek of upset is coming off this game. This is such an upset scenario that the Colts will have been prepared for it. As much as it kills me to say it, they are very well coached and the coaches likely have them settled down. This should still be a doozy of a game.
Ravens O-Colts D- Part of the reason I hate the Colts so much is how similar the two teams really are. So why fix what ain't broke? Dwight Freeney could be a problem for their offense, but if this line does anywhere near the job they did on Vince Wilfork and the rest of the Pats defense last week, Ray Rice should have another huge day. Colts aren't a great run D, so if you are Baltimore you do what you did last week, run run run. Flacco isn't Peyton, so it's important to get that early lead for your defense to protect. If you are the Colts, you need to protect against the run and make the Ravens throw the ball. That's where this team is weakest, and you might be able to cause a few turnovers.
Colts O- Ravens D- This is the big side of the ball in this game, and easily the most compelling matchup of the week. The story of this matchup is "Get to Peyton". If I'm the Ravens, I'm bringing Ray Lewis to Peyton Manning and trying to put the hurt on him. He's Peyton, so if he gets time, he will get the ball to the receiver regardless of the coverage you have on the receivers. In my opinion, Addai is sort of a non-factor. Joseph Addai is not going to be what wins this game for the Colts. You've got to get those linebackers involved if you are Baltimore, though. For the Colts, it's very simple. Let Peyton be Peyton. Pats couldn't let Brady be Brady against this Baltimore D and the result was 4 turnovers from our beloved QB. If Peyton gets time, the Colts are going to make a good Baltimore D look very silly.
Bottom Line
I can't help but let my feelings creep into this one. I think Peyton Manning will be looking at 4+ sacks, that Ray Rice will have 150+ and 2 TDs, and we Pats fans will have our blood.
Ravens by 4.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Little Sports Talk: Viking Cowboys Preview
Fan Take
Like any Pats fan one year ago, I still remember with horror watching the final Jets game of season and watching Brett Farve flounder about like the senior citizen he was. The ill fated pass (if you could call it that) at the end of the game, that cemented our dubious honor of having the best record to not make the playoffs. Thanks a pantload, Jets. I think that was when I decided that I loathed Brett Farve and everything he stands for. I think that's why when they lost to the Bears, I jumped up and down with joy. I would like nothing more than to see him bow out of the playoffs, underperforming and disgraced.
On the other hand, we have the Dallas Cowboys. Now it may be living with Giants fans for the better part of three years, but something about the Cowboys strikes me as sinister and evil. Maybe it's their absurdly large stadium, complete with unnecessarily large jumbotron dangling over the field. Maybe it's the hilarious fact that the players have to walk through the stadium's bar just to get to the field. No, no it's something else...
Oh, yes, that's right. It's that Jerry Jones is a money grubbing owner, who was created by Satan to ruin football and make sure that Bush had a great place to watch the game from. Every time that Jerry Jones's team wins, football dies a little more inside. Maybe that's why I wanted the Eagles to beat "America's team". Maybe that's why I want to see Demarcus Ware paralyze Brett Farve, but for the Vikings to destroy the Cowboys.
Real Talk
For the first time in a long time, the Cowboys look like they are firing on all cylinders and won't actually fuck up in the playoffs. Romo looks hot. Felix Jones is running the ball like nobody's business and Tashard Choice and Marion Barber are great backs on their own.
However, a Vikings team that seemed unbeatable, then seemed to be limping into the postseaon, now appears to have got their swagger back with a convincing win over the Giants in their last game two weeks ago. A great defense paired with a hot and cold offensive unit, the vikings are a great team that mixes experience and youth.
Vikings O-Dallas D: The real mismatch here is Minnesota's OL and Dallas's defensive line. Adrian Peterson hasn't been the beast he was last season simply because the line isn't doing much to help him out. This going against the 4th ranked rush defense in the Dallas Cowboys, is bad news. With Demarcus Ware (the best linebacker in football) lurking behind that potent Dallas line I really don't see Peterson having a big game. I think screen passes to Peterson and Harvin might be a good idea considering the aggressiveness of this Dallas defense. Don't forget that the vikings were 8th best in the air this year, whereas the Cowboys pass d is in the bottom half of the league 20th. That being said, this is the pass d, that kept Donovan McNabb's formidable Eagles passing game relatively in check. The bottom line is that this hinges on the inferior Vikings OL matching up and Brett Farve making some decent throws. If Harvin and Rice can both get 7+ catches the Vikings should be in good shape. Farve just can't cave to the Dallas pressure he is going to feel.
Dallas O- Vikings D - If you had asked me four weeks ago who wins this matchup, laugh at you and ask you if you were serious. The Vikings defensive line was one of the most dominant in the NFL all year, both the league leader in sacks and second in run defense. The way this Dallas offense is playing though, I see this becoming a real battle. Will Felix Jones have the game he had last week? No. But Romo is throwing the ball confidently and Roy Williams is looking every bit the phenomenal receiver he is. Throw in the Jason Witten slot option, and Miles Austin making catches when he needs to, and we got us a ball game. The key here is that Romo isn't going to have a lot of time to make throws, so he's going to need to make quick reads and get the ball out of the pocket quickly. If you are Minnesota, you need that d line to shut down the run like it's been doing all year and keep the pressure on Romo.
Bottom line
This Vikings team has felt like it's been slowly falling apart all season, and I just don't see them beating this great Cowboys team that is peaking at the right time. Cowboys by 10.
Like any Pats fan one year ago, I still remember with horror watching the final Jets game of season and watching Brett Farve flounder about like the senior citizen he was. The ill fated pass (if you could call it that) at the end of the game, that cemented our dubious honor of having the best record to not make the playoffs. Thanks a pantload, Jets. I think that was when I decided that I loathed Brett Farve and everything he stands for. I think that's why when they lost to the Bears, I jumped up and down with joy. I would like nothing more than to see him bow out of the playoffs, underperforming and disgraced.
On the other hand, we have the Dallas Cowboys. Now it may be living with Giants fans for the better part of three years, but something about the Cowboys strikes me as sinister and evil. Maybe it's their absurdly large stadium, complete with unnecessarily large jumbotron dangling over the field. Maybe it's the hilarious fact that the players have to walk through the stadium's bar just to get to the field. No, no it's something else...
Oh, yes, that's right. It's that Jerry Jones is a money grubbing owner, who was created by Satan to ruin football and make sure that Bush had a great place to watch the game from. Every time that Jerry Jones's team wins, football dies a little more inside. Maybe that's why I wanted the Eagles to beat "America's team". Maybe that's why I want to see Demarcus Ware paralyze Brett Farve, but for the Vikings to destroy the Cowboys.
Real Talk
For the first time in a long time, the Cowboys look like they are firing on all cylinders and won't actually fuck up in the playoffs. Romo looks hot. Felix Jones is running the ball like nobody's business and Tashard Choice and Marion Barber are great backs on their own.
However, a Vikings team that seemed unbeatable, then seemed to be limping into the postseaon, now appears to have got their swagger back with a convincing win over the Giants in their last game two weeks ago. A great defense paired with a hot and cold offensive unit, the vikings are a great team that mixes experience and youth.
Vikings O-Dallas D: The real mismatch here is Minnesota's OL and Dallas's defensive line. Adrian Peterson hasn't been the beast he was last season simply because the line isn't doing much to help him out. This going against the 4th ranked rush defense in the Dallas Cowboys, is bad news. With Demarcus Ware (the best linebacker in football) lurking behind that potent Dallas line I really don't see Peterson having a big game. I think screen passes to Peterson and Harvin might be a good idea considering the aggressiveness of this Dallas defense. Don't forget that the vikings were 8th best in the air this year, whereas the Cowboys pass d is in the bottom half of the league 20th. That being said, this is the pass d, that kept Donovan McNabb's formidable Eagles passing game relatively in check. The bottom line is that this hinges on the inferior Vikings OL matching up and Brett Farve making some decent throws. If Harvin and Rice can both get 7+ catches the Vikings should be in good shape. Farve just can't cave to the Dallas pressure he is going to feel.
Dallas O- Vikings D - If you had asked me four weeks ago who wins this matchup, laugh at you and ask you if you were serious. The Vikings defensive line was one of the most dominant in the NFL all year, both the league leader in sacks and second in run defense. The way this Dallas offense is playing though, I see this becoming a real battle. Will Felix Jones have the game he had last week? No. But Romo is throwing the ball confidently and Roy Williams is looking every bit the phenomenal receiver he is. Throw in the Jason Witten slot option, and Miles Austin making catches when he needs to, and we got us a ball game. The key here is that Romo isn't going to have a lot of time to make throws, so he's going to need to make quick reads and get the ball out of the pocket quickly. If you are Minnesota, you need that d line to shut down the run like it's been doing all year and keep the pressure on Romo.
Bottom line
This Vikings team has felt like it's been slowly falling apart all season, and I just don't see them beating this great Cowboys team that is peaking at the right time. Cowboys by 10.
A Little Sports Talk- Jets Chargers Preview
Now that my traditional two days of mourning have passed, I'm finally ready to dive back into my beloved world of sports. After this morning's traditional sports talk call-in, I still feel a need to discuss sports. Given that I have no one outside my dogs to talk to during the day, (and Eddie is a Lakers fan. That bitch!) I decided a quick blog post would fulfill my sports talk needs.
The saying goes that you have to get right back on the horse that bucks you off... or some shit like that. So, I'm gonna talk football. Last week, was the most humiliating week of playoff football I've ever had to endure (I know you Giants fans are just dying to cry "Super Bowl!" Contain yourselves). Outside of my Patriots being thoroughly dismantled and having Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record soiled, I suffered an embarrassing 0-4 record with my picks. Having these past two days to analyze how that could have happened, I determined that (outside of Carson Palmer throwing like a two-year-old and the Eagles playing nearly as poorly as we did) I let my feelings cloud my judgment and picked the way I wanted the games to come out.
I won't be making the same mistakes this week. Though, I will give my perspective on the games from the Patriots fan in the core of me, I'll also take it from the stance of the cold, calculating, reptile of a sports guru within me. In this first post, I'm gonna take a look at Jets-Chargers, and I'll keep updating with new posts for the other teams.
Jets vs. Chargers
Fan Take
It's difficult for me to tell which of these two teams I loathe more. On the one hand, we have the New York Jets. In keeping with that awesome system of two teams for every sport that New York has going, (Suuuuure the Nets are a Jersey team.) here come the Jets, rising from the ashes of the Giants and giving New York something else to dangle over the head of Boston. The real thing that upsets me about the Jets, is the small beluga whale that is coaching them. Rex Ryan is the biggest jackass in sports. This year alone, we've seen him cry, declare his team out of the playoffs despite not being eliminated, the declare that it is the Jets manifest destiny to win the Super Bowl. Oh, and he looks like Biff from Back To The Future if he were 40 and could crush a Mini Cooper with his girth.
"We're gonna win the Super Bowl, butthead."
The saying goes that you have to get right back on the horse that bucks you off... or some shit like that. So, I'm gonna talk football. Last week, was the most humiliating week of playoff football I've ever had to endure (I know you Giants fans are just dying to cry "Super Bowl!" Contain yourselves). Outside of my Patriots being thoroughly dismantled and having Tom Brady's perfect home playoff record soiled, I suffered an embarrassing 0-4 record with my picks. Having these past two days to analyze how that could have happened, I determined that (outside of Carson Palmer throwing like a two-year-old and the Eagles playing nearly as poorly as we did) I let my feelings cloud my judgment and picked the way I wanted the games to come out.
I won't be making the same mistakes this week. Though, I will give my perspective on the games from the Patriots fan in the core of me, I'll also take it from the stance of the cold, calculating, reptile of a sports guru within me. In this first post, I'm gonna take a look at Jets-Chargers, and I'll keep updating with new posts for the other teams.
Jets vs. Chargers
Fan Take
It's difficult for me to tell which of these two teams I loathe more. On the one hand, we have the New York Jets. In keeping with that awesome system of two teams for every sport that New York has going, (Suuuuure the Nets are a Jersey team.) here come the Jets, rising from the ashes of the Giants and giving New York something else to dangle over the head of Boston. The real thing that upsets me about the Jets, is the small beluga whale that is coaching them. Rex Ryan is the biggest jackass in sports. This year alone, we've seen him cry, declare his team out of the playoffs despite not being eliminated, the declare that it is the Jets manifest destiny to win the Super Bowl. Oh, and he looks like Biff from Back To The Future if he were 40 and could crush a Mini Cooper with his girth.
"We're gonna win the Super Bowl, butthead."
However, on the other hand we have the Chargers, and the ever fuck-headed Ladanian Tomlinson. The bad blood between our teams goes back to 2007, when the Chargers were 14-2 and decided that talking all week about how bad they would beat the Patriots, was a good idea. When the Patriots saved their talk till after the game, Phil Rivers and LT cried like little babies, forgetting that you have to win a game to talk shit. Ladanian is very public about the fact that he really wants to win the Super Bowl and that he hates the Patriots. Also, he was a consistent under performer in my fantasy league this year. So yeah, the only way this game ends well for me is if the stadium collapses.
Real Talk
This is a Jets team I thought didn't stand a whisper of a chance in the playoffs. Outside of Revis who is the best cornerback in the NFL right now, I'm still not convinced that their defense is that good (show me whatever stats you want, I'm still not sold) top-ranked or no. 90% of what killed the Bengals was Palmer's playoff jitters and overthrowing every fucking person he had open. Cedric Benson managed to pile 170 yards rushing, which is unacceptable when you are taking on LT and Darren Sproles next week.
What did surprise me was how thoroughly the Jets offense spanked a not-to-shabby Bengals defense. The Jets are a running team, and Mark Sanchez is known to throw a pick or two, but they showed the Bengals a good mix of pass and run. Aside from Braylon Edwards dropping a perfect throw in the endzone, the offense looked like the offense that the Jets have needed all year.
Chargers are a hell of a team and, pre-playoffs, the team I was expecting to win the AFC. On the Chargers O, Jets D side of the ball, the key to the game is going to be containing Gates. When Gates is doing well, more defenders have to commit to him and then that's when that running attack gets dangerous. SD's WRs really aren't that good, so if I were the Jets I'd consider putting Revis on Gates. Bottom line, if Gates has 100+ yards receiving, the Jets aren't winning this game.
Jets O, Chargers D- The game plan is simple for the Chargers, stop the run. Make the young shaky quarterback beat you. The Chargers can't be scared of what Sanchez did last week and need to force him into some bad throws. Were I the Chargers, I would blitz every play with Merriman. Bottom line here is, Chargers need to stop the run and put the pressure on Sanchez. If he proves me wrong tho, and actually plays like he did last week, the Jets could actually end up winning this thin.
Final Take
Jets need to contain Gates and throw the ball well to win this game. Honestly, I don't see that happening. Chargers by 14.
Real Talk
This is a Jets team I thought didn't stand a whisper of a chance in the playoffs. Outside of Revis who is the best cornerback in the NFL right now, I'm still not convinced that their defense is that good (show me whatever stats you want, I'm still not sold) top-ranked or no. 90% of what killed the Bengals was Palmer's playoff jitters and overthrowing every fucking person he had open. Cedric Benson managed to pile 170 yards rushing, which is unacceptable when you are taking on LT and Darren Sproles next week.
What did surprise me was how thoroughly the Jets offense spanked a not-to-shabby Bengals defense. The Jets are a running team, and Mark Sanchez is known to throw a pick or two, but they showed the Bengals a good mix of pass and run. Aside from Braylon Edwards dropping a perfect throw in the endzone, the offense looked like the offense that the Jets have needed all year.
Chargers are a hell of a team and, pre-playoffs, the team I was expecting to win the AFC. On the Chargers O, Jets D side of the ball, the key to the game is going to be containing Gates. When Gates is doing well, more defenders have to commit to him and then that's when that running attack gets dangerous. SD's WRs really aren't that good, so if I were the Jets I'd consider putting Revis on Gates. Bottom line, if Gates has 100+ yards receiving, the Jets aren't winning this game.
Jets O, Chargers D- The game plan is simple for the Chargers, stop the run. Make the young shaky quarterback beat you. The Chargers can't be scared of what Sanchez did last week and need to force him into some bad throws. Were I the Chargers, I would blitz every play with Merriman. Bottom line here is, Chargers need to stop the run and put the pressure on Sanchez. If he proves me wrong tho, and actually plays like he did last week, the Jets could actually end up winning this thin.
Final Take
Jets need to contain Gates and throw the ball well to win this game. Honestly, I don't see that happening. Chargers by 14.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dr. Fabolous
So today, whilst I was perusing my rap collection in my library, I came across a song I have a love-hate relationship with in "Say Aah" by Trey Songz featuring Fabolous. Whilst, I recognize that it's a terrible song and I should have no business liking it, I can't help but to listen to it whenever I notice in my tracks. On this particular listen, I paid particularly close attention to words coming out of Trey and Fabo's mouths.
Boy, were there some great ones. We have Trey saying that he will "Beat your body like a congo" in what I would say is likely the worst sweet talking I have ever heard. Outside of Trey's ambiguous reference to what could be assault, we also have him talking about "maple leaf gas got you feeling like Toronto". I could be skeptical and say that maple leaf gas is something he made up because he needed to bring in the Toronto rhyme, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he means some sort of Canadian flatulence.
Play those cards right, ladies, and you too can get "beat like a congo".
However, the lyric that took the cake and inspired this post is credited to Fabolous. When I first heard it, my knee-jerk reaction was to check Snacks and Shit to see if there was an entry. There was not, which in my mind opens the door for me to do this quote the justice I personally feel it deserves. You have the floor Fabolous, lay it on us.
"I make’em say ahhh
Just like I’m your doctor
All I prescribe
Is cranberry and vodka"
Oh boy, where to begin... Now you claim you are just like my doctor, but for the life of me I cannot remember Dr. Burchill ever looking me in the face and saying, "Well the course of action I'm going to recommend is that you take is to liberally take cranberry and vodka." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if all you prescribe people is cranberry and vodka you should probably be a sorority's bartender rather than a doctor.
Intern 2: Shhhhhh, You've never heard of Dr. Fabolous? He's said to be the most brilliant mind in medicine. I heard that he once cured a guys cancer just by pouring Nuvo on it.
Intern 3: I heard that he invents new diseases because others are too easy for him to cure.
Intern 4: I heard that he kept his music career alive for a full three years before it tragically passed away.
Inetern 1: Is that true?
Intern 4: No, it was dead on arrival.
(Fabolous's pager goes off. He checks it and breaks into a run, turning into a room where other members of the staff are working on a flat-lining patient.)
Doctor 1: She's coding!
Fabolous: What do we have?
Doctor 2: Twenty-three year old female, Alexis Scutaro. Admitted with headaches and loss of appetite 3 hours ago. She just crashed.
Fabolous: (swooping to the patients side) Alright, I'm going to need 30 ccs of cranberry and vodka. And damn it somebody get me a shotglass.
Doctor 3: Are you crazy? She's showing obvious signs of being partied out. Her body can't handle any more alcohol. You've gone too far Fabolous! You're letting your ego get in the way.
Fabolous: DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS TOO FAR! I've got a hunch that she loves to party...
Doctor 3: And what if your wrong? An innocent girl will feel really, really bad. Can you handle that on your conscience?
Fabolous: (with steely resolve) I'll take my chances. (turns and administers the cranberry and vodka).
(Patient's pulse returns and stabilizes. Other staff in the room seem relieved.)
Fabolous: (in doctor 3's face) Never question a patient's will to party...Doctor. (storms past into the hall).
(Cut to Fabolous walking the halls later that day.)
Voice: Fabolous!
Fabolous: Chief of Medicine Saunders... What can I do for you.
Saunders: I heard about what happened today with Ms. Scutaro.
Fabolous: I hear she will make a full recovery and be partying again in no time.
Saunders: Nonetheless, you were out of line Fabolous. That kind of cranberry and vodka dosage could have make her hungover. It was too big of a gamble.
Fabolous: I did what I had to.
Saunders: I'm sorry Fabolous. You are too much of a loose cannon.I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely. You can turn in your hospital ID on the way out.
(Saunders walks away while Fabolous is left standing in the hall. The final shot is Fabolous in the empty hallway staring after Saunders. The Fray plays while the camera fades out)
"Everybody do the throw it in the bag!"
Boy, were there some great ones. We have Trey saying that he will "Beat your body like a congo" in what I would say is likely the worst sweet talking I have ever heard. Outside of Trey's ambiguous reference to what could be assault, we also have him talking about "maple leaf gas got you feeling like Toronto". I could be skeptical and say that maple leaf gas is something he made up because he needed to bring in the Toronto rhyme, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he means some sort of Canadian flatulence.
Play those cards right, ladies, and you too can get "beat like a congo".However, the lyric that took the cake and inspired this post is credited to Fabolous. When I first heard it, my knee-jerk reaction was to check Snacks and Shit to see if there was an entry. There was not, which in my mind opens the door for me to do this quote the justice I personally feel it deserves. You have the floor Fabolous, lay it on us.
"I make’em say ahhh
Just like I’m your doctor
All I prescribe
Is cranberry and vodka"
Oh boy, where to begin... Now you claim you are just like my doctor, but for the life of me I cannot remember Dr. Burchill ever looking me in the face and saying, "Well the course of action I'm going to recommend is that you take is to liberally take cranberry and vodka." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if all you prescribe people is cranberry and vodka you should probably be a sorority's bartender rather than a doctor.
"Hello, I'm Doctor Faboulous, I'll be performing your surgery today. Some quick pre-op questions, are you allergic to gold, platinum, or diamonds?"
Intern 1: Who is that?Or am I wrong? Is Fabolous actually a pioneer in the field of healthcare? Will cranberry and vodka be the biggest medical discovery since penicillin? My mind ran with these thoughts and two red bulls and a pack of Doritos later, the screenplay was completed. Ladies and gentleman, I give you a sneak peek of the script for the pilot of CBS's new hit drama...
Fabolous M.D.
(Fabolous enters the hospital and all of the stop stop and eye him with reverence.)
Fabolous M.D.
(Fabolous enters the hospital and all of the stop stop and eye him with reverence.)
Intern 2: Shhhhhh, You've never heard of Dr. Fabolous? He's said to be the most brilliant mind in medicine. I heard that he once cured a guys cancer just by pouring Nuvo on it.
Intern 3: I heard that he invents new diseases because others are too easy for him to cure.
Intern 4: I heard that he kept his music career alive for a full three years before it tragically passed away.
Inetern 1: Is that true?
Intern 4: No, it was dead on arrival.
(Fabolous's pager goes off. He checks it and breaks into a run, turning into a room where other members of the staff are working on a flat-lining patient.)
Doctor 1: She's coding!
Fabolous: What do we have?
Doctor 2: Twenty-three year old female, Alexis Scutaro. Admitted with headaches and loss of appetite 3 hours ago. She just crashed.
Fabolous: (swooping to the patients side) Alright, I'm going to need 30 ccs of cranberry and vodka. And damn it somebody get me a shotglass.
Doctor 3: Are you crazy? She's showing obvious signs of being partied out. Her body can't handle any more alcohol. You've gone too far Fabolous! You're letting your ego get in the way.
Fabolous: DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS TOO FAR! I've got a hunch that she loves to party...
Doctor 3: And what if your wrong? An innocent girl will feel really, really bad. Can you handle that on your conscience?
Fabolous: (with steely resolve) I'll take my chances. (turns and administers the cranberry and vodka).
(Patient's pulse returns and stabilizes. Other staff in the room seem relieved.)
Fabolous: (in doctor 3's face) Never question a patient's will to party...Doctor. (storms past into the hall).
(Cut to Fabolous walking the halls later that day.)
Voice: Fabolous!
Fabolous: Chief of Medicine Saunders... What can I do for you.
Saunders: I heard about what happened today with Ms. Scutaro.
Fabolous: I hear she will make a full recovery and be partying again in no time.
Saunders: Nonetheless, you were out of line Fabolous. That kind of cranberry and vodka dosage could have make her hungover. It was too big of a gamble.
Fabolous: I did what I had to.
Saunders: I'm sorry Fabolous. You are too much of a loose cannon.I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely. You can turn in your hospital ID on the way out.
(Saunders walks away while Fabolous is left standing in the hall. The final shot is Fabolous in the empty hallway staring after Saunders. The Fray plays while the camera fades out)
So tune in this Sunday and watch the pilot. We have a great time slot between "Fucking Generic Forensic Science Show" and "Another 24 Rip-Off". Will Fabolous get off suspension? You'll just have to tune in and see.
"Everybody do the throw it in the bag!"Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Lyrical Breakdown: Ke$ha's New Album, Animal
For the past 12 hours of my life, I've been transfixed by the latest addition to the electro-pop family in Ke$ha's new album Animal. For those of you unfamiliar with her, Ke$ha is a recording artist who got her start by being the female part of Flo Rida's "Right Round". This is also known as the song that replaced the lovable feelings of the old 80s track with a thinly veiled euphemism for oral sex.
Her single "Tik Tok" has been on top of iTunes for (give or take) 3 weeks due to her ability to ride the thin line between Lady Gaga's raucous, synth party music and Miley Cyrus's hopeful, feel good pop rock, simultaniously drawing valuable fans from both demographics. This means that myself and every other teenage girl have been aquiver with anticipation for this album, desperately listening to what we have lying around to kill the time (RA RA AH AH AH AH, ROMA ROMA MA MA, GA GA OO LA LA).
Now, when Tik Tok first came out, I totally fell in love with the song, but I did notice the questionable lyrics for a song that I would witness a 6 year-old sing 5 days later. I don't know about you guys, but if I passed out in a tub, the thought of whisky, moving, or even toothpaste would induce dry heaving. I'm calling you on that shit right now, Ke$ha. She goes on to teach other phenomenal lessons for the female college hopeful. Happiness, ("Ain't got a care in the world but got plenty of beer") optimism, ("Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here") and even problem solving, ("Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk") are all explained in the various lyrics.
To be fair, it is a party song, and bottom line is that I consider it one of the most valuable party tracks of the year. So nice job Ke$ha, I'm even willing to forgive your retarded insistence to place a dollar sign in your name. "Hmmm, how do I dick over and frustrate people who want to easily find me on iTunes or You Tube?" Thank god her original spelling, |<3$|-|@, was taken when a fifteen year old her tried to make her My Space account.
Once I had pirated the album off of Limewire, (Oh calm the fuck down, I buy albums I actually like and listen to) I found all my wishes for more of the same party-synth-pop-rock fulfilled immediately. I hopped about my living room performing every stupid dance move from the simply pelvic thrust, to the patented Knocked Up dice roll, and even the Jersey Shore fist pump.
Me and my boys getting ready to fist pump the shit out of it.
It wasn't until much later in the day, when even my dogs seemed embarassed by my dancing, ("You can air hump, but you don't have the time to throw me a fucking tennis ball?") that I started to actually listen to some of the lyrics. I found them diffrent from Tik Tok's. They, for the most part, made Tik Tok look like it had been written by a nun.
"Errybody getting crunk, crunk."
Her single "Tik Tok" has been on top of iTunes for (give or take) 3 weeks due to her ability to ride the thin line between Lady Gaga's raucous, synth party music and Miley Cyrus's hopeful, feel good pop rock, simultaniously drawing valuable fans from both demographics. This means that myself and every other teenage girl have been aquiver with anticipation for this album, desperately listening to what we have lying around to kill the time (RA RA AH AH AH AH, ROMA ROMA MA MA, GA GA OO LA LA).
Now, when Tik Tok first came out, I totally fell in love with the song, but I did notice the questionable lyrics for a song that I would witness a 6 year-old sing 5 days later. I don't know about you guys, but if I passed out in a tub, the thought of whisky, moving, or even toothpaste would induce dry heaving. I'm calling you on that shit right now, Ke$ha. She goes on to teach other phenomenal lessons for the female college hopeful. Happiness, ("Ain't got a care in the world but got plenty of beer") optimism, ("Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here") and even problem solving, ("Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk") are all explained in the various lyrics.
To be fair, it is a party song, and bottom line is that I consider it one of the most valuable party tracks of the year. So nice job Ke$ha, I'm even willing to forgive your retarded insistence to place a dollar sign in your name. "Hmmm, how do I dick over and frustrate people who want to easily find me on iTunes or You Tube?" Thank god her original spelling, |<3$|-|@, was taken when a fifteen year old her tried to make her My Space account.
Once I had pirated the album off of Limewire, (Oh calm the fuck down, I buy albums I actually like and listen to) I found all my wishes for more of the same party-synth-pop-rock fulfilled immediately. I hopped about my living room performing every stupid dance move from the simply pelvic thrust, to the patented Knocked Up dice roll, and even the Jersey Shore fist pump.
Me and my boys getting ready to fist pump the shit out of it.
"Errybody getting crunk, crunk."For example, the chorus to her song "Take It Off" goes like this.
There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.
Wow, sounds appealing. Or like a strip club/AIDS den. The freaks coming around is particularly appealing for me. Maybe, I can grind up on a bearded lady or an elephant man. I'm not going to lie, this is like a conversation you would have with that Uncle you tried to sell you weed when you were eight. Ok Ke$ha, you have one more verse in your chorus to convince me that this place is wonderful. And...GO!
There's a place I know
If you're looking for a show.
Where they go hardcore
And there's glitter on the floor.
Oops, see that show part seems to suggest hookers. Then, the 'they go hardcore' really confirms that hooker suspicion in my mind. Luckily, there is glitter on the floor. So it's a whorehouse and Jo-Ann Fabrics. I knew Nana was after more than sewing equipment. She's goes on to mention people breaking bottles and demand that you take it off. Broken glass, glitter, and herpes. It just sounds like I wanna be naked there.
But that just could have been a particularly offensive track, right? Oh dear.
In what is shaping up to be one of the more popular tracks of the album, Blah Blah Blah features the power duo 3OH!3. If you don't remember this particularly sensitive pair of gentlemen, maybe I could remind you of their hit song "Don't Trust Me". You know! Where the chorus is "Don't trust a hoe" three times, and they drop the 'holy fuck did they really just say that' lyric "Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips".
There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.
Wow, sounds appealing. Or like a strip club/AIDS den. The freaks coming around is particularly appealing for me. Maybe, I can grind up on a bearded lady or an elephant man. I'm not going to lie, this is like a conversation you would have with that Uncle you tried to sell you weed when you were eight. Ok Ke$ha, you have one more verse in your chorus to convince me that this place is wonderful. And...GO!
There's a place I know
If you're looking for a show.
Where they go hardcore
And there's glitter on the floor.
Oops, see that show part seems to suggest hookers. Then, the 'they go hardcore' really confirms that hooker suspicion in my mind. Luckily, there is glitter on the floor. So it's a whorehouse and Jo-Ann Fabrics. I knew Nana was after more than sewing equipment. She's goes on to mention people breaking bottles and demand that you take it off. Broken glass, glitter, and herpes. It just sounds like I wanna be naked there.
But that just could have been a particularly offensive track, right? Oh dear.
In what is shaping up to be one of the more popular tracks of the album, Blah Blah Blah features the power duo 3OH!3. If you don't remember this particularly sensitive pair of gentlemen, maybe I could remind you of their hit song "Don't Trust Me". You know! Where the chorus is "Don't trust a hoe" three times, and they drop the 'holy fuck did they really just say that' lyric "Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips".
"Dayum gurl! Back dat azz up!"
Alright, what do you have for us Ke$ha. This song takes place in a club, so let's see what you do to try to catch a guy's eye.
I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that.
Dont be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dicks at.
Wow.
So first off, with regards to the dick, it's gonna tend to be in the same place on most guys. So I guess I could draw you a map, but really between the legs is where you are going to want to go with that one pretty much every time. Second of all, the "chit chat" that makes me a "bitch" is probably "You're fucking (drunk/crazy/trying to commit rape/all the above). Let me out of this corner now." I'm a little perturbed that I need to turn around in order for her to "hit that". Maybe my anatomy isn't what it once was, but I think that me being turned around will make things more difficult than necessary. She goes on to ask that you "put a little love in her glove box", in the most subtle lyric since Lady Gaga's disco stick.
In all seriousness, Animal is a great party album that gets progressively better as you crank the volume. I could make jokes about how the cover of the album looks like she just gave C-3P0 head, but really she's following in Lady Gaga's footsteps with the in-your-face party all day music. She even manages to do it without creating haunting images that will be burned into my memory forever.
I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that.
Dont be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dicks at.
Wow.
So first off, with regards to the dick, it's gonna tend to be in the same place on most guys. So I guess I could draw you a map, but really between the legs is where you are going to want to go with that one pretty much every time. Second of all, the "chit chat" that makes me a "bitch" is probably "You're fucking (drunk/crazy/trying to commit rape/all the above). Let me out of this corner now." I'm a little perturbed that I need to turn around in order for her to "hit that". Maybe my anatomy isn't what it once was, but I think that me being turned around will make things more difficult than necessary. She goes on to ask that you "put a little love in her glove box", in the most subtle lyric since Lady Gaga's disco stick.
In all seriousness, Animal is a great party album that gets progressively better as you crank the volume. I could make jokes about how the cover of the album looks like she just gave C-3P0 head, but really she's following in Lady Gaga's footsteps with the in-your-face party all day music. She even manages to do it without creating haunting images that will be burned into my memory forever.
"Hey, Lady Gaga never burnt a haunting image into my... OH MY GOD!"
Seriously, Lady Gaga. The music is tight, but for fuck's sake.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
An Open Letter to My Stalker(s)
Howdy there stalker. Oh that's right, I know about you. I got that new Facebook app that lets you see who looks at your profile. I don't care if it is a violation of privacy. And now I know all about you and your sick fascination with me. I know I'm wonderful, but come on. Now, I'm totally getting a restraining order against you... Just kidding, I have no idea that you are stalking me. I'm just writing this for the sake of being facetious. So, yeah keep up whatever you are doing, I have no idea.
However, if you are out there stalkers, I figure you might want a few pointers. I remember back before my restraining order, how frustrating it was that no matter how many letters I stole out of Bob Barker's mailbox and read, none of them contained useful personal information I could apply to impressing Bob. So let me make your job a little easier and spell out exactly what you can do to catch my eye without committing a federal offense.
Constructive Harassment
So here's the scenario, you call me up just because you want to hear my voice. The problem is you've got nothing to say, so you settle for the stereotypical heavy breathing. What with me being a fairly normal human being, this shit won't get you anywhere with me. It'll just freak me out and probably piss me off a little.
Here's the new gameplan. Try rattling off a few Killers lyrics every now and again. Not only will it not piss me off, I might be a little bit into it. Considering Midnight Show is about commiting murder and Jenny Was A Friend of Mine is about covering murder up, you might want to steer clear of those two, but outside of that you should be money.
Example:
Me: Hello?
You: ...
Me: If you don't stop this I'm going to call the police.
You: The velvet sun, it shines on me and you.
Me: ...
You: Saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a night gown.
Me: ...
You: Crashing cars in his brain...
Me: You want to grab coffee sometime?
That's my best estimate of how that would go down. But say you really want to step up your game. You're more than the average stalker and you want to really go all out. So you sneak into my room at night to watch me sleep. This is even more creepy than sneaking into someone elses fridge. Now, I don't care how totally romantic you think it is when Edward does it to Bella. That's fucking creepy even without you constantly fighting the urge to drink my blood. If that is the case, maybe give up on me and move on, huh?
Now, lets say you sneak into my room while I'm sleeping and clean everything up. Then you leave a pint of Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide and a puppy with your number attached to both with a sticky note (You could also staple the note onto the ice cream, probably not the puppy, though.) Will I call you back? I'd say I'm much more inclined than I would have been had I awoken to see you huddled in a corner of my room smelling my hoodies.
Acceptable Love Letters
Now you are ready for the big show. You want to write me love letters. But what to do? Do you lead off with how you've been collecting my discarded trash cause it help you get to know me? Or maybe you add some of the sexually explicit poetry you've written about us? Well, chances are that would make me think of you up to your elbows in coffee grounds or just make me feel totally inadequate. Here's a quick overview of what your letter should look like. I've left you with a few choices that you can make on your own.
Dearest Sam,
From the first time I saw you I knew (you were one of the funniest people in the world/would one day become the world's greatest dad/that your facebook addiction is cute and in no way annoying). We met this one time at a party, and you probably remember me as that girl who looks like (Kate Beckinsale/Kristen Bell/Blake Lively/the kinda girl who has season tickets to every Boston sports event, which i do). I was so (flattered when you said you liked my Firefly-themed outfit/upset when you got thrown out for punching the kid who changed the music to Nickelback/impressed by the range of your projectile vomit), it really made my night. I would have stayed later, but I had to get up early the next morning to go to my job as (the sound technician for Coldplay and The Killlers/the CEO of Babies, Puppies, and Fireworks Inc./ a talent scout for Comedy Central) and couldn't burn the midnight oil with you. Maybe we could meet up sometime and (I could listen to you talk for long periods of time. I would both be very interested and not at all think it rude/we could battle Pokemon/discuss why christening your firstborn son with the middle name Danger is totally acceptable).
Love,
(name that doesn't sound to hooker-y)
A Solid Exit Strategy
Say the unthinkable happens and I reject these bulletproof advances. You decide you want to go for 110% crazy and make an attempt on my life. Do the thing that Lennon's dude did and just walk up to me and pop me.
That's so amateur, though. What you will want to do is go into a police station and explain what you were thinking of doing to me. They will likely totally sympathize with your point of view and give you everything you need to get the job done. They will certainly not arrest you and keep me safe. That's the last thing that would cross their minds.
So that's all the advice I have for you stalkers. Aside from not letting on that you got your tactics for acquiring me from this blog post. Then I would think you were crazy.
However, if you are out there stalkers, I figure you might want a few pointers. I remember back before my restraining order, how frustrating it was that no matter how many letters I stole out of Bob Barker's mailbox and read, none of them contained useful personal information I could apply to impressing Bob. So let me make your job a little easier and spell out exactly what you can do to catch my eye without committing a federal offense.
Constructive Harassment
So here's the scenario, you call me up just because you want to hear my voice. The problem is you've got nothing to say, so you settle for the stereotypical heavy breathing. What with me being a fairly normal human being, this shit won't get you anywhere with me. It'll just freak me out and probably piss me off a little.
Here's the new gameplan. Try rattling off a few Killers lyrics every now and again. Not only will it not piss me off, I might be a little bit into it. Considering Midnight Show is about commiting murder and Jenny Was A Friend of Mine is about covering murder up, you might want to steer clear of those two, but outside of that you should be money.
Example:
Me: Hello?
You: ...
Me: If you don't stop this I'm going to call the police.
You: The velvet sun, it shines on me and you.
Me: ...
You: Saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a night gown.
Me: ...
You: Crashing cars in his brain...
Me: You want to grab coffee sometime?
That's my best estimate of how that would go down. But say you really want to step up your game. You're more than the average stalker and you want to really go all out. So you sneak into my room at night to watch me sleep. This is even more creepy than sneaking into someone elses fridge. Now, I don't care how totally romantic you think it is when Edward does it to Bella. That's fucking creepy even without you constantly fighting the urge to drink my blood. If that is the case, maybe give up on me and move on, huh?
Now, lets say you sneak into my room while I'm sleeping and clean everything up. Then you leave a pint of Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide and a puppy with your number attached to both with a sticky note (You could also staple the note onto the ice cream, probably not the puppy, though.) Will I call you back? I'd say I'm much more inclined than I would have been had I awoken to see you huddled in a corner of my room smelling my hoodies.
Acceptable Love Letters
Now you are ready for the big show. You want to write me love letters. But what to do? Do you lead off with how you've been collecting my discarded trash cause it help you get to know me? Or maybe you add some of the sexually explicit poetry you've written about us? Well, chances are that would make me think of you up to your elbows in coffee grounds or just make me feel totally inadequate. Here's a quick overview of what your letter should look like. I've left you with a few choices that you can make on your own.
Dearest Sam,
From the first time I saw you I knew (you were one of the funniest people in the world/would one day become the world's greatest dad/that your facebook addiction is cute and in no way annoying). We met this one time at a party, and you probably remember me as that girl who looks like (Kate Beckinsale/Kristen Bell/Blake Lively/the kinda girl who has season tickets to every Boston sports event, which i do). I was so (flattered when you said you liked my Firefly-themed outfit/upset when you got thrown out for punching the kid who changed the music to Nickelback/impressed by the range of your projectile vomit), it really made my night. I would have stayed later, but I had to get up early the next morning to go to my job as (the sound technician for Coldplay and The Killlers/the CEO of Babies, Puppies, and Fireworks Inc./ a talent scout for Comedy Central) and couldn't burn the midnight oil with you. Maybe we could meet up sometime and (I could listen to you talk for long periods of time. I would both be very interested and not at all think it rude/we could battle Pokemon/discuss why christening your firstborn son with the middle name Danger is totally acceptable).
Love,
(name that doesn't sound to hooker-y)
A Solid Exit Strategy
Say the unthinkable happens and I reject these bulletproof advances. You decide you want to go for 110% crazy and make an attempt on my life. Do the thing that Lennon's dude did and just walk up to me and pop me.
That's so amateur, though. What you will want to do is go into a police station and explain what you were thinking of doing to me. They will likely totally sympathize with your point of view and give you everything you need to get the job done. They will certainly not arrest you and keep me safe. That's the last thing that would cross their minds.
So that's all the advice I have for you stalkers. Aside from not letting on that you got your tactics for acquiring me from this blog post. Then I would think you were crazy.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Ryan's Mom: The Rise of America's Favorite Band- A Rolling Stone Article by Sam Sheehan
A year and a half ago, a small band emerged in the living room of Ryan Thomas. Thomas, a college student and resident of middle Jersey, had gotten together with some of his friends and they had been bouncing the idea around about maybe starting a band.
"Well Jared [Fountaine] and I already knew how to play guitar," said Thomas of how the idea came about, "Leo [Pastrana] was in an acapella group at Rutgers (where the four met), and I had gotten all the equipment we would need for my birthday. So, Malcom [Nason] said he'd learn how to play drums and the rest is just kinda history."
The rest is history indeed. They named the band after Thomas's mother for providing the instruments and equipment ("and because she's smoking hot," jested Nason), and began playing when they went back to college.
"We would only play at night, once our homework was done," said Pastrana of the rules Thomas enforced as band leader. "He was worried we'd get carried away and addicted to playing and neglect our school work." Once everyone had completed their work, however, they'd meet up in Thomas's room and begin jamming.
"We stared out slow at first," recollected Nason of their first session, "Our first song was Eye of the Tiger. It was terrible and we barely got through it, but it was a start." Though there was a noise limit for dorm rooms imposed at Rutgers, the boys managed to get away with their jam sessions. "The RC's were really into it, and they let us keep it up. They even wanted to try out the guitar once. It was a really supportive enviroment." Eventually, word got out about their jam sessions, and small crowds would turn out to hear them play.
"It was really nerveracking at first, but you got used to it." Fountaine who predominately played bass when they first started, played his first guitar solo at one of these crowded jam sessions. "Eventually everyone kinda knew who we were. We were known as those rock band kids."
The boys eventually decided the time had come for them to play professionally and they began playing sets at their local venues. "We just exploded. Suddenly, we were playing all these new songs in all these new places and we had a tour going." said Thomas of their quick rise to fame. "It was incredible, we were getting more and more fans everyday. After a while, we had played practically everywhere in every corner of the globe. We didn't stop until we had all of the stars that we could get." Unfortunately, like all bands that rise to fame quickly, Ryan's Mom started suffering their creative differences.
"Leo didn't want to sing some of the songs that the rest of us wanted to play." explain Nason with an edge to his voice. "We wanted to do Chop Suey, but Leo called it just a bunch of screaming. It was pulling teeth to get him to do it. We had to explain that we needed more stars in Stolckholm so we could play the showcase and get a plane. When he did it, he wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic and he only got 76%. The 'Spirited Survivor' award at the end said it all."
The problems continued for the band, the most important being the fanbase. "We couldn't get anymore fans and we all knew it," said Fountaine "We needed to step up the difficulty. We were all playing Expert level, except for Malcom who just kept plodding along at Meduim. When we confronted him about it, he got all defensive talking about how much harder the drums were then everything else. He even attacked me specifically. He said that bass is what you let your girlfriend play when she doesn't want to sing."
"I think alot of it was us being high strung about the tour," admits Pastrama. "We were all getting less sleep. One gig, the roadies forgot the game disc and we had to cancel. I was pushing Jagged Gorgeous Winter to be in every make your own setlist, and none of them wanted to play it. We wanted new songs, but Xbox Live charges so much. It was really ugly there for a while. We decided it was time for a us to all take a break and pursue our own things."
The dream was over, but not before the band had made their mark as America's favorite band.
"I never understood it," admits Thomas, "We were really just a big cover band, literally nothing we did was original. We even played a Spongebob song once. There was abosolutely no reason for anyone to ever come to our shows."
It seems the band will deny their genius until the very end. However, this writer will never forget their incredible energy, their commitment to excellence, and when they kept a star power going for a full minute. That shit was sick.
Where are they doing now?
Jared Fountaine launched a successful solo career and just earlier this month got 98% on Through the Fire and Flames on Expert.
Ryan Thomas got himself a turntable and game disc at Walmart and now is a DJ in his spare time. He says, "It's way more fun cause you don't fail and there are all these sick mashups like Rhianna vs The Killers."
Malcom Nason joined the space marines and now has 3,012,468 confirmed kills. A squadmate said of Nason, "He's awesome with the sniper rifle and battle rifle. He's not some noob out there using the needler and grav hammer. This guy is the real deal. I hope he's keeps playing team slayer with me for a long time."
Leo Pastrama got a girlfriend and now regularly has sex. She doesn't play bass.
"Well Jared [Fountaine] and I already knew how to play guitar," said Thomas of how the idea came about, "Leo [Pastrana] was in an acapella group at Rutgers (where the four met), and I had gotten all the equipment we would need for my birthday. So, Malcom [Nason] said he'd learn how to play drums and the rest is just kinda history."
The rest is history indeed. They named the band after Thomas's mother for providing the instruments and equipment ("and because she's smoking hot," jested Nason), and began playing when they went back to college.
"We would only play at night, once our homework was done," said Pastrana of the rules Thomas enforced as band leader. "He was worried we'd get carried away and addicted to playing and neglect our school work." Once everyone had completed their work, however, they'd meet up in Thomas's room and begin jamming.
"We stared out slow at first," recollected Nason of their first session, "Our first song was Eye of the Tiger. It was terrible and we barely got through it, but it was a start." Though there was a noise limit for dorm rooms imposed at Rutgers, the boys managed to get away with their jam sessions. "The RC's were really into it, and they let us keep it up. They even wanted to try out the guitar once. It was a really supportive enviroment." Eventually, word got out about their jam sessions, and small crowds would turn out to hear them play.
"It was really nerveracking at first, but you got used to it." Fountaine who predominately played bass when they first started, played his first guitar solo at one of these crowded jam sessions. "Eventually everyone kinda knew who we were. We were known as those rock band kids."
The boys eventually decided the time had come for them to play professionally and they began playing sets at their local venues. "We just exploded. Suddenly, we were playing all these new songs in all these new places and we had a tour going." said Thomas of their quick rise to fame. "It was incredible, we were getting more and more fans everyday. After a while, we had played practically everywhere in every corner of the globe. We didn't stop until we had all of the stars that we could get." Unfortunately, like all bands that rise to fame quickly, Ryan's Mom started suffering their creative differences.
"Leo didn't want to sing some of the songs that the rest of us wanted to play." explain Nason with an edge to his voice. "We wanted to do Chop Suey, but Leo called it just a bunch of screaming. It was pulling teeth to get him to do it. We had to explain that we needed more stars in Stolckholm so we could play the showcase and get a plane. When he did it, he wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic and he only got 76%. The 'Spirited Survivor' award at the end said it all."
The problems continued for the band, the most important being the fanbase. "We couldn't get anymore fans and we all knew it," said Fountaine "We needed to step up the difficulty. We were all playing Expert level, except for Malcom who just kept plodding along at Meduim. When we confronted him about it, he got all defensive talking about how much harder the drums were then everything else. He even attacked me specifically. He said that bass is what you let your girlfriend play when she doesn't want to sing."
"I think alot of it was us being high strung about the tour," admits Pastrama. "We were all getting less sleep. One gig, the roadies forgot the game disc and we had to cancel. I was pushing Jagged Gorgeous Winter to be in every make your own setlist, and none of them wanted to play it. We wanted new songs, but Xbox Live charges so much. It was really ugly there for a while. We decided it was time for a us to all take a break and pursue our own things."
The dream was over, but not before the band had made their mark as America's favorite band.
"I never understood it," admits Thomas, "We were really just a big cover band, literally nothing we did was original. We even played a Spongebob song once. There was abosolutely no reason for anyone to ever come to our shows."
It seems the band will deny their genius until the very end. However, this writer will never forget their incredible energy, their commitment to excellence, and when they kept a star power going for a full minute. That shit was sick.
Where are they doing now?
Jared Fountaine launched a successful solo career and just earlier this month got 98% on Through the Fire and Flames on Expert.
Ryan Thomas got himself a turntable and game disc at Walmart and now is a DJ in his spare time. He says, "It's way more fun cause you don't fail and there are all these sick mashups like Rhianna vs The Killers."
Malcom Nason joined the space marines and now has 3,012,468 confirmed kills. A squadmate said of Nason, "He's awesome with the sniper rifle and battle rifle. He's not some noob out there using the needler and grav hammer. This guy is the real deal. I hope he's keeps playing team slayer with me for a long time."
Leo Pastrama got a girlfriend and now regularly has sex. She doesn't play bass.
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