The Worst Presidents of All Time

Now I know what you are all asking. But Sam, you are (the next great hope for our generation/ undoubtedly the most physically attractive man i've ever seen/father of my child/that kid i made cry on the playground in fifth grade by ripping your brand-new Secret World of Alex Mack shirt.) and are obviously neither of those two things. Well, you are right! I am not those things.

You see, I'm an outside the box thinker, and I saw this as a great new way to educate the public on how right I am and how wrong those are that disagree with me. I will address every question that needs to be answered.

Can a simple blog really hold the answer to all the great questions to life? Yes. Did the previous question count as one of the great questions? Yes, and if you are keeping track that's two already.

Before we jump into things I'd like to write a disclaimer, if you are easily offended, (grow a pair/get the fuck out of here/Sorry mom, you weren't supposed to find this). I'll start my education of all you great people with a quick history lesson.

Throughout our country's great history, we have had some quality presidents. George Washington led our nation's army before it was even a nation and was tall enough in the 1770s to play small forward for the Jazz. Abraham Lincoln threw down the emancipation proclamation and brought top hats into style like he worked for GQ. John F. Kennedy set the bar for many presidents to come by, amidst the Cuban missile crisis and all the other shit going on, still managing to find time to sleep with the most attractive superstar of the times, Marilyn Monroe.

However, not all presidents were good. To the contrary, some were downright awful. Like this guy, who i believe to be the 3rd worst president of all time. Rutherford B. Hayes. Lets just start with the name. Rutherford? I'm sure he never got beat up in school. If he lived now I'm sure he was that kid in the corner of the cafeteria with that ridiculous P.O.G. collection who smelled a little like cat food and insisted you refer to him simply as Red Ranger. Here's the problem Red Rutherford Ranger. You lost the popular vote for president. Yeah, that's right no one wanted you to be president. However, through sexual favors and bribes, you weaseled your way into office by one goddamn electoral vote. Red Ranger, my ass. You are the Blue Ranger at best.

I know what you are thinking. "Wow, who would elect cat food kid to be president, that mean he had to be the worst president of all time." If only, If only. You see many years before Rutherford, there was a president named William Henry Harrison, and he was worse. That's right, this guy set a new bar for suck. After winning the presidential election Harrison, thought "So I got this inauguration thing coming up and it's pretty cold out, but hey what's a jacket to me?" So what did this fucker do? He fucking caught pneumonia and died. He was such a dumb ass he didn't even bother putting on a coat. So, to reiterate, this president died for not wearing a coat. No sniper or angry actor shooting him... pneumonia. WTF.

And now for the coup de grace. The absolute shittiest president of the United States. Warren G. Harding. I don't even know where to begin. This guy's big political scandal was called Teapot Dome. Literally everyone in his cabinet took bribes or blackmailed someone. If he lived today he would likely not think that "Sweetest Girl" was a good song. I just hate this man. I mean I wish i could keep listing things he did, but I'd rather talk about how much I hate him. Sam hating Warren G. Harding > Fergie missing you like a child misses their blanket. I think he died in office just so I might "honor his memory" a little more. Well, No Warren G. Harding. No.