My Perfect Pet

(HARRY POTTER SPOILER ALERT)
I'm going to jump right into this post. Cats fucking suck. Like really, I can only think of two cats that I like. One of them is named Liberty and she lives in Stetson household of Woodland, Maine. The other is a dead cat, which fortunately are easy to convert from live cats (and fun too!). I would also like to point out an immediate difference between dead cats and undead cats, a.k.a. zombie cats. The only thing worse than a live cat that is not Liberty is a zombie cat. It combines the two things I hate most, cats and zombies. Dead cats and zombie cats are on opposite ends of the enjoyment scale for me.

I can just hear the girls (Note: guys who like cats fall into this category.). "But Sam, cats are so pretty and nice and blah blah blah!" So I'll explain right now. Cats actually begin as one of my favorite things, kittens! They are so lovable, cute and furry and they melt my heart. Are you ready, though, for the most disappointing transformation since the Olson twins? That's right, these things go from cute, adorable, and lovable to gaunt, scary, and fucking evil (this goes for both cats and Olson twins). So you pay for 3 months of cute by having a feral monster with nine lives skulking around your house for 15 years.

Alright, questioning voice. Do your thing. "But Sam, If you don't like cats, what is your favorite pet?" Well, in a perfect world, I would have all of the following pets on this pets list.

1. Mew
2. Snarf
3. The rabbit man from Donnie Darko
4. A Nazgul
5. An Ewok, especially a baby!

However, since all of those are fictional characters or from Lord of the Rings (counts as real).

An early front runner would be dogs, I mean they start out the cutest things ever, and only get mildly uglier as time progresses (like siblings). They are loyal, will be adorable, play with you, and will kill cats. Win-Win-Win-Win. Another possibility is a manatee, since they are endangered. They are large animals that often accidentally killed. I never thought I'd say this, but we need to work to save the obese. But what do I really want...?

Ah-Ha! I have it! My perfect pet is... a unicorn. It's the most magical creature ever, is majestic and beautiful, and I can use it to generate wand cores for Mr. Ollivander. I can't wait to give Cedric his new... oh, I see. Dead, huh? Yikes, my bad. Then give this to Mad-Eye Moody? No... Really? Well Shit. Maybe I should just give it to Vincent Crabbe. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY? FUCK IT I DON'T CARE. Professor Quirrel, Fred Weasly, Dobby, Professor Dumbldore, Barty Crouch, Bertha Jorkins, Professor Lupin, Wormtail, Nymphdora Tonks. Just give it to one of them. ... Wow, you have a better survival rate at the Alamo. Cute J.K Rowling, great children's book.