An Open Letter to My Stalker(s)

Howdy there stalker. Oh that's right, I know about you. I got that new Facebook app that lets you see who looks at your profile. I don't care if it is a violation of privacy. And now I know all about you and your sick fascination with me. I know I'm wonderful, but come on. Now, I'm totally getting a restraining order against you... Just kidding, I have no idea that you are stalking me. I'm just writing this for the sake of being facetious. So, yeah keep up whatever you are doing, I have no idea.

However, if you are out there stalkers, I figure you might want a few pointers. I remember back before my restraining order, how frustrating it was that no matter how many letters I stole out of Bob Barker's mailbox and read, none of them contained useful personal information I could apply to impressing Bob. So let me make your job a little easier and spell out exactly what you can do to catch my eye without committing a federal offense.

Constructive Harassment

So here's the scenario, you call me up just because you want to hear my voice. The problem is you've got nothing to say, so you settle for the stereotypical heavy breathing. What with me being a fairly normal human being, this shit won't get you anywhere with me. It'll just freak me out and probably piss me off a little.

Here's the new gameplan. Try rattling off a few Killers lyrics every now and again. Not only will it not piss me off, I might be a little bit into it. Considering Midnight Show is about commiting murder and Jenny Was A Friend of Mine is about covering murder up, you might want to steer clear of those two, but outside of that you should be money.

Example:

Me: Hello?
You: ...
Me: If you don't stop this I'm going to call the police.
You: The velvet sun, it shines on me and you.
Me: ...
You: Saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a night gown.
Me: ...
You: Crashing cars in his brain...
Me: You want to grab coffee sometime?

That's my best estimate of how that would go down. But say you really want to step up your game. You're more than the average stalker and you want to really go all out. So you sneak into my room at night to watch me sleep. This is even more creepy than sneaking into someone elses fridge. Now, I don't care how totally romantic you think it is when Edward does it to Bella. That's fucking creepy even without you constantly fighting the urge to drink my blood. If that is the case, maybe give up on me and move on, huh?

Now, lets say you sneak into my room while I'm sleeping and clean everything up. Then you leave a pint of Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide and a puppy with your number attached to both with a sticky note (You could also staple the note onto the ice cream, probably not the puppy, though.) Will I call you back? I'd say I'm much more inclined than I would have been had I awoken to see you huddled in a corner of my room smelling my hoodies.

Acceptable Love Letters

Now you are ready for the big show. You want to write me love letters. But what to do? Do you lead off with how you've been collecting my discarded trash cause it help you get to know me? Or maybe you add some of the sexually explicit poetry you've written about us? Well, chances are that would make me think of you up to your elbows in coffee grounds or just make me feel totally inadequate. Here's a quick overview of what your letter should look like. I've left you with a few choices that you can make on your own.

Dearest Sam,

From the first time I saw you I knew (you were one of the funniest people in the world/would one day become the world's greatest dad/that your facebook addiction is cute and in no way annoying). We met this one time at a party, and you probably remember me as that girl who looks like (Kate Beckinsale/Kristen Bell/Blake Lively/the kinda girl who has season tickets to every Boston sports event, which i do). I was so (flattered when you said you liked my Firefly-themed outfit/upset when you got thrown out for punching the kid who changed the music to Nickelback/impressed by the range of your projectile vomit), it really made my night. I would have stayed later, but I had to get up early the next morning to go to my job as (the sound technician for Coldplay and The Killlers/the CEO of Babies, Puppies, and Fireworks Inc./ a talent scout for Comedy Central) and couldn't burn the midnight oil with you. Maybe we could meet up sometime and (I could listen to you talk for long periods of time. I would both be very interested and not at all think it rude/we could battle Pokemon/discuss why christening your firstborn son with the middle name Danger is totally acceptable).

Love,
(name that doesn't sound to hooker-y)

A Solid Exit Strategy

Say the unthinkable happens and I reject these bulletproof advances. You decide you want to go for 110% crazy and make an attempt on my life. Do the thing that Lennon's dude did and just walk up to me and pop me.

That's so amateur, though. What you will want to do is go into a police station and explain what you were thinking of doing to me. They will likely totally sympathize with your point of view and give you everything you need to get the job done. They will certainly not arrest you and keep me safe. That's the last thing that would cross their minds.

So that's all the advice I have for you stalkers. Aside from not letting on that you got your tactics for acquiring me from this blog post. Then I would think you were crazy.