Dr. Fabolous

So today, whilst I was perusing my rap collection in my library, I came across a song I have a love-hate relationship with in "Say Aah" by Trey Songz featuring Fabolous. Whilst, I recognize that it's a terrible song and I should have no business liking it, I can't help but to listen to it whenever I notice in my tracks. On this particular listen, I paid particularly close attention to words coming out of Trey and Fabo's mouths.

Boy, were there some great ones. We have Trey saying that he will "Beat your body like a congo" in what I would say is likely the worst sweet talking I have ever heard. Outside of Trey's ambiguous reference to what could be assault, we also have him talking about "maple leaf gas got you feeling like Toronto". I could be skeptical and say that maple leaf gas is something he made up because he needed to bring in the Toronto rhyme, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he means some sort of Canadian flatulence.

Play those cards right, ladies, and you too can get "beat like a congo".

However, the lyric that took the cake and inspired this post is credited to Fabolous. When I first heard it, my knee-jerk reaction was to check Snacks and Shit to see if there was an entry. There was not, which in my mind opens the door for me to do this quote the justice I personally feel it deserves. You have the floor Fabolous, lay it on us.

"I make’em say ahhh
Just like I’m your doctor
All I prescribe
Is cranberry and vodka"

Oh boy, where to begin... Now you claim you are just like my doctor, but for the life of me I cannot remember Dr. Burchill ever looking me in the face and saying, "Well the course of action I'm going to recommend is that you take is to liberally take cranberry and vodka." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if all you prescribe people is cranberry and vodka you should probably be a sorority's bartender rather than a doctor.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Faboulous, I'll be performing your surgery today. Some quick pre-op questions, are you allergic to gold, platinum, or diamonds?"

Or am I wrong? Is Fabolous actually a pioneer in the field of healthcare? Will cranberry and vodka be the biggest medical discovery since penicillin? My mind ran with these thoughts and two red bulls and a pack of Doritos later, the screenplay was completed. Ladies and gentleman, I give you a sneak peek of the script for the pilot of CBS's new hit drama...

Fabolous M.D.

(Fabolous enters the hospital and all of the stop stop and eye him with reverence.)

Intern 1: Who is that?
Intern 2: Shhhhhh, You've never heard of Dr. Fabolous? He's said to be the most brilliant mind in medicine. I heard that he once cured a guys cancer just by pouring Nuvo on it.
Intern 3: I heard that he invents new diseases because others are too easy for him to cure.
Intern 4: I heard that he kept his music career alive for a full three years before it tragically passed away.
Inetern 1: Is that true?
Intern 4: No, it was dead on arrival.

(Fabolous's pager goes off. He checks it and breaks into a run, turning into a room where other members of the staff are working on a flat-lining patient.)

Doctor 1: She's coding!
Fabolous: What do we have?
Doctor 2: Twenty-three year old female, Alexis Scutaro. Admitted with headaches and loss of appetite 3 hours ago. She just crashed.
Fabolous: (swooping to the patients side) Alright, I'm going to need 30 ccs of cranberry and vodka. And damn it somebody get me a shotglass.
Doctor 3: Are you crazy? She's showing obvious signs of being partied out. Her body can't handle any more alcohol. You've gone too far Fabolous! You're letting your ego get in the way.
Fabolous: DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS TOO FAR! I've got a hunch that she loves to party...
Doctor 3: And what if your wrong? An innocent girl will feel really, really bad. Can you handle that on your conscience?
Fabolous: (with steely resolve) I'll take my chances. (turns and administers the cranberry and vodka).
(Patient's pulse returns and stabilizes. Other staff in the room seem relieved.)
Fabolous: (in doctor 3's face) Never question a patient's will to party...Doctor. (storms past into the hall).

(Cut to Fabolous walking the halls later that day.)
Voice: Fabolous!
Fabolous: Chief of Medicine Saunders... What can I do for you.
Saunders: I heard about what happened today with Ms. Scutaro.
Fabolous: I hear she will make a full recovery and be partying again in no time.
Saunders: Nonetheless, you were out of line Fabolous. That kind of cranberry and vodka dosage could have make her hungover. It was too big of a gamble.
Fabolous: I did what I had to.
Saunders: I'm sorry Fabolous. You are too much of a loose cannon.I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely. You can turn in your hospital ID on the way out.

(Saunders walks away while Fabolous is left standing in the hall. The final shot is Fabolous in the empty hallway staring after Saunders. The Fray plays while the camera fades out)

So tune in this Sunday and watch the pilot. We have a great time slot between "Fucking Generic Forensic Science Show" and "Another 24 Rip-Off". Will Fabolous get off suspension? You'll just have to tune in and see.

"Everybody do the throw it in the bag!"