Sports Predictions: The Bold. Evan Turner, D.C., and Lebron's Coach

I can't fucking help it. I have to write something. If anyone has ever actually read my blog before, you know that I focus on writing things that I think will amuse others. Occasionally, however, the rabid sports fan part of me requires that I pretend that people give a shit about what I have to say in the world of sports. (Example: my prediction posts during the NFL playoffs.) Though I will sometimes make these posts funny, a lot of times they are written with the intention of testing my knowledge and seeing just how well I know sports.After my shattered dream of becoming a househusband or my other dream (currently on life support) of pitching a hit tv show, writing sports for a living is third on my list. When that is taken into account, it makes sense that I would want to have an accurate sense of what is going on in professional sports and have the highest prediction rate possible. Though my Beat the Streak record and previous sports related posts suggest the contrary, (I maintain that since I had Saints the whole way, that wasn't a tremendous bust.) I still would like to think I do this well. After all, if I split 50-50 I'm doing a much better job than the average sports writer.

How to predict sports better than ESPN Analysts.

Also, that's only counting team's win-loss predictions (I defend to the death that I have been saying Rajon Rondo is the most underrated player in the past 2 NBA seasons. It's fucking true. Ask Scott Friedlander. He'll tell you. He had to sit next to me during a Bulls-Celtics playoff game.) These past few days, as I've been desperately trying to formulate a plan to catch the attention of Bill Simmons (Put his name in every one of my Twitter posts?) and get him to make me his apprentice, I realized everyone is going to call 'bullshit' on me if I say things like "I knew Durant over Oden," and "I predicted the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup this year." (I like Boston sports, too, Bill. I also am a cross country runner, meaning I can fetch your vente two-cream one-sugar at least a minute faster than anyone else.) So I decided to make a list of sports predictions that I hold near and dear to my heart, to prove my sports worth.

I correctly picked the underdog in the Little Mac-Tyson fight. I knew the new Nintendo controller with turbo would prove too much for the champ.

I've clustered my predictions into Bold, Bolder, and Boldest, which I'm sure is not only different coffee flavors, but some sort of Fabio-endorsed cologne. (It has bits of real panther in it, so you know it's good.) Obviously, as we drift upwards and closer to to the superlative, the predictions are going to become crazier. But bear with me, and by the end you might see that I predict a Coach of the Year Award for Stan Van Gundy.

**Bursts into hysterical laughter for five full minutes, before recomposing himself.**

But seriously, shit that will actually happen.

Real coaches don't look like porn star Ron Jeremy... Jesus, that was way too easy.

Bold

1. The City of Washington D.C is about to become relevant in sports again.
When I think of cities plagued with shitty sports luck, Murdacap is near the top of the list. Particularly in recent years, the city has had plenty to complain about. The disappointing seasons the Redskins have had, the famous 'gambling confrontation' that landed star Wizard Gilbert Arenas in trouble, the Nationals constant death spiral, and most painfully, the Capitals' first round implosion at the hands of the Canadiens this past month.

However, this to me seems like a city that's about to turn it around. The Redskins' acquisition of Donovan McNabb gives them something they've never really had in an honest-to-goodness Pro-Bowl caliber QB. I'm of the opinion that you need a good QB to win games, much less win the Super Bowl, (Panthers and Bears fans shake their heads and/or throw their computers across the room.) so this will immediately make them contenders in my mind.

How to not win a Superbowl.

The Wizards surprise draft lottery win will almost certainly result in John Wall coming to the capital, which may not seem like a big deal at first glance. However, think of young, playmaking, early picks in recent NBA years, and how they've performed when arriving at the crappy teams that drafted them. Rose and the Bulls. Jennings and the Bucks. Durant and the Thunder. Even, (to a certain extent) Curry and Warriors. With the poisonous, me-first Agent 0 out, the Wizards can focus on putting together a team around Wall, much like the Thunder have done with Kevin Durant.

When it comes to the Nationals, don't look now, but they actually have a winning record and are only four games behind the NL leading Phillies. Not to mention that they have one of the most exciting and talked about pitching prospects in recent memory coming to the bigs this June. Here you can say, "Well yeah, but how important is one pitcher to a team, really?" To that I would say, "Ask the now Halladay-less Toronto Blue Jays", who have three times as many empty seats per game now.

That leaves only the Caps, whom I believe learned a lot from the humbling that Montreal unloaded on them and will return next year locked in for a title. Ovie is the most exciting player since Gretzky, and they have too much experience and talent to not make a big run next year.

The Bottom Line Prediction:Of the four teams, three will have winning records in the next year and two will make the playoffs and win their first round match up.

2. Evan Turner will be the biggest draft bust this year.
I am going to write this little blurb of information assuming (like I did in the last post) that the Washington Wizards front office are not retarded and actually take John Wall with their pick. This means that the 76ers will probably take Evan Turner with their pick. Ohio State fans probably want to know why I am knocking on their players so much. (Oden had red flags, guys. One leg shorter than the other? COME ON!) The simple fact of the matter is, I don't think that Evan Turner is an athlete designed for the NBA.

He looks phenomenal on paper. Even better than Wall does. But to truly get a measure of Turner, you have to watch some of the games he played in. The guy just simply doesn't play well against big, strong guys. In the Georgia Tech game, (a big, long team) Turner was only able to catch fire after flopping and getting Georgia's big guys in foul trouble. Something the more consistent NBA referees will catch. Ohio State were bounced the very next game, when they ran into Tennessee, another big team. Given that Turner scored 31, but being sent to the line 9times and taking 23 shots, I would hope that he scored at least that much. (The entire rest of the team took 35 shots) You could make arguments both ways, but this comes down to gut feeling, and I can't shake the bad one I have associated with Evan Turner.

The Bottom Line Prediction: Turner will not only have the lowest shooting percentage of any of the other top four draftees, but will also be the only one not starting for his team three years from now.


3. Phil Jackson will end up coaching LeBron, probably in Chicago.

Now given that I am a big Celtics guy and I am going to harsh on the Lakers and anyone associated with them. It's hard to argue that Phil Jackson isn't one of the greatest coaches of all time. I don't think you can go to Wooden levels with him and I would argue that what Auerbach did as a coach was more impressive, but with what he has done with the Bulls and Lakers teams.... Well, you can't argue with results.

I can, however, argue with the fact that no basketball player has ever given me a bigger sex offender vibe.






Oh.......

That being said, it's hard to argue when I make my point that he is the biggest primadonna that league has as far as coaches go. His feud with Kobe prevented the clearly loaded Lakers (arguably the most talented team in the history of the NBA) from building on the three championships that they started. Though, he came back and he coached the "new Lakers" to a championship, I believe his days in LA are numbered. With mutterings of the Lakers wanting Jackson to take a pay cut, I can't see Jackson staying in L.A., a city he doesn't think really appreciates him. As an elite coach, he is going to expect the money and appreciation that comes with that. No, I think if the Lakers don't repeat this year, Phil will leave.

And what better to draw him in than the player who draws so many comparisons to the great Micheal Jordan? Lebron is no Kobe. He is more coachable, team friendly, defensively able. (Kobe fans here go, "But that's not fair! Kobe is a scorer! That's what makes him great! And his team wins titles! Lebron's doesn't." Lebron plays with Mo Williams and Varajao. Kobe plays with Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum loosening up shots for him. Lebron still scores more. Nuff said.)

Lebron is the player of his generation, might be the most talented athlete to ever walk into his sport. I can almost hear PJ's boner ripping his pants in half at the thought of coaching Lebron. And with Chicago, a place where Phil knows he is loved, having the money, personnel (Derrick Rose could do a remarkable Scottie Pippen, I bet), and overall best chance to win for the two of them, it's easy to see the two of them going there. (Only Lebron's Ohio pride or fear of living in MJ's shadow could kill this move, and I don't think either are very likely.)

Bottom Line: If the Nets owner doesn't offer Jackson the most absurd deal of the century, (I can't see Lebron going there, even if the franchise is going to be Brooklyn, eventually) Jackson will be Lebron's coach next year. Cleveland and New York are possible, but Chicago makes the most sense.

As usual, my post is 5 times longer than I intended, so I'll put up the Bolder and Boldest predictions in subsequent posts.

To Be Continued...